Trump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency

Following bitcoin’s skyrocketing value after Donald Trump’s election win, the President-elect has announced plans to make bitcoin the official currency of the United States, replacing the US Dollar.

For the first time, bitcoin rose to a value of over $80,000 which is almost 80,000 times the value of the dollar. Elon Musk’s dogecoin has also made massive gains, bolstered by his involvement in the election, and was seen chanting, “Shoot for da Mars and you’ll reach da Moon.”

Bitcoin’s high value would mean that, when used instead of all dollars, the value of the entire economy would receive a boost of at least 80,000%. When enacted this would immediately eradicate the national debt, poverty, and the need for any taxes.

Trump explained in an online video that bitcoin will replace dollars, whereas dogecoin will replace quarters, ethereum will serve as dimes, World Liberty Financial (the little-used crypto promoted by Trump’s sons) will be the new nickels and all cents will be replaced by the yet-to-be-unveiled ‘constipated hamster’ NFTs.

How exactly this will work has yet to be explained but financial experts are saying, “It won’t.”

Trump has vowed to make this his first executive order once in office, after sacking Gary Gensler and executing Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs. Once in place, all transactions that formerly used USD will now be entirely conducted with cryptocurrencies, the dollar will be effectively worthless, and the world will step into a new halcyon era, void of suffering or corporate greed.

On the campaign trail, Trump vowed to make the US “the crypto capital of the planet”, tantamount to a declaration of war against El Salvador. Trump has also previously commented that crypto is, “very young and very growing,” and “they call me the crypto president, I don’t know if that’s true or not but a lot of people are saying that,” and one more for luck, “as long as you have crypto, you’re happy. Nothing else makes you happy.”

With a Republican-controlled Senate and Congress, Trump will see little opposition to his plans to make a lot of money off the back of this.

SBF could not be reached for comment. We sent a note but it was confiscated by prison guards for containing, “contraband crypto news”, whatever that means.