First Crypto Zoo Opens, Bulls Immediately Escape

The world’s first ‘crypto zoo’ opened in Oklahoma this month but already faces difficulties after half the animals escaped in a massive bull run, leaving only bears as the primary attraction.

The crypto-themed zoo, which only accepts payments in crypto, opened to tepid fanfare with early visitors waiting in line to see Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster. Most left disappointed after realizing the zoo was for crypto, not cryptids.

Animals currently featured on display include two grizzly bears, four apes and a Shiba Inu petting area. Although further expansions have yet to be announced, the massive water tank under construction behind the zoo suggests the park’s managers are hopeful they may attract a whale.

The zoo was previously home to a large open field of bulls to host rodeos, bullfighting, bullhorn blowing competitions, bullwhip stunt shows, an antique china shop and a crypto bullpit trading floor.

On the first day of trading, however, one bull apparently saw the company was financially in the red and bolted, prompting all the bulls to stampede. The irate bovines crashed out of their enclosure, through the park, and out of the entrance, running onward to pastures new where they will be free to roam once more.

Thankfully only children were injured.

“In hindsight, putting a flock of bulls together in one field was a bad idea,” claimed the zoo’s former managing director, Gale Prosturni. “I had dreams, big dreams. But maybe this dream was too big for a little lad like me.”

When asked whether his crypto zoo had any connection to Logan Paul’s NFT scam, ‘Crypto Zoo’ (“let the breeding begin”), Prosturni seemed confused, “Paul who? Wait, someone’s already done this? Hold on, I’ll Bing it… Ew, what are these disgusting Pokémon knockoffs? What the hell is this? No, gross, I’d never let a freaky blobfish-molerat freak into my zoo and his animals can stay out too.”

Logan Paul has announced plans to sue.

The crypto zoo has also released its own memecoin trading under the $Z00 ticker. The zoo’s financiers initially planned to accept their coin within the park however upon release the coin’s value immediately tanked and the project was abandoned.

Adding to management’s headaches, the crypto zoo is being investigated for possible animal abuse and food safety violations following the discovery of three dead fruitflies in the zoo’s cafeteria.

“We’ll get things back on track,” continued Prosturni after gaining a sudden surge of enthusiasm from a shot of a non-descript substance. “I’ve got plans, big plans! There are dozens more references I can still make, dozens! Chickens, cats, dogs, sheep, sharks, rabbits, pigs, turtles, ostriches, wolves, stags, hawks, doves, ducks, swans, they’re all financial terms, look it up. We’ll get them all in, then you’ll be sorry!”

Mr. Prosturni awaits sentencing for (among other things) wire fraud, regular fraud, embezzlement, racketeering, and arson.