Elon Musk Seeks $113bn For Intelligence

Billionaire meme enthusiast and part-time Twitter gladiator Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to divulge all the government secrets that he’s learned during his time in the White House. …Oh, wait, that’s not what that headline means? OK, let me change that, hold on…

Billionaire meme enthusiast Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to sell off portions of his brain. The Tesla CEO will allow neuroscientists to carefully cut off little slivers of his brain that will be sold in an auction on Craigslist… Oh, oh, OK, sorry, I got that wrong again, one last time…

Billionaire Elon Musk has announced he is seeking $113 billion to buy other people’s brains… No? OK, he just wants money to be smarter? He’s paying people to call him smart? He’s building a new, improved version of Brain Training on Nintendo DS?? HE’S BUYING AN AI COMPANY?! …Close? OK, erm, he’s selling off his AI company? Yes? YES! Alright! Hahaha, finally got there. Not sure why I have to guess the news headline but here we are.

Elon Musk has announced a $300m share sale that would value xAI at $113bn. In the deal staff could sell off their shares to outside investors all as part of a scheme to get some more cash flowing through the Musky empire following his governmental departure (Dismissal? Fleeing? Firing? idk).

xAI is the company behind Musk’s own brand of memified AI, Grok. xAI also owns, wait, really? xAI owns X? Huh? Ok, fine. God, I just really don’t understand anything anymore.

In case you’re in the market, the overall group is priced at $113bn, xAI will set you back $80bn, but if you want X on its own, that’ll be $33bn, please. Bear in mind Musk bought X (then going by the pronouns, ‘Twitter’) for $44bn, so honestly it’s a bargain.

Last month Musk X’ed, “Back to spending 24/7 at work and sleeping in conference/server/factory rooms, I must be super focused on X/xAI and Tesla.” The announcement terrified the world and sent stock markets everywhere plummeting as everyone collectively cried out, “BUT WHO WILL RUN THE COUNTRY THEN?!”

Any more questions? No, well OK, I’ll be here if you need anything.

For more on this story, click here: Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla