Trump To Replace Presidential Motorcade With Cybertrucks

In a show of solidarity with Elon Musk against his slumping Tesla stock, Donald j. Trump (The President) has said he will “buy a brand new Tesla” but then went one step further and promised to replace the entire fleet of presidential cars with Cybertrucks.

The announcement follows a 15% dip in shares for the electric car firm which Trump blamed on “radical left lunatics” but is actually due to Tesla missing production targets and the fact that Cybertrucks just look so goddamn ugly.

Despite this, Turmp has vowed to travel only by Cybertruck from henceforth. Despite being much smaller, less sturdy and more prone to exploding than the presidential limousines, we will now only see Cybertrucks with those little American flags from henceforth.

The super strong vehicle dubbed, ‘The Beast’ will be retired and donated to the pope.

Here’s Trump’s full Truth Social post:

“To Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans, Elon Musk is “putting it on the line” in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s “baby,” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. They tried to do it to me at the 2024 Presidential Ballot Box, but how did that work out? In any event, I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American. Why should he be punished for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to help MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN???”

To unpack that, where Trump uses quotes here just note that he isn’t using an actual news source rather he’s making it clear that he doesn’t mean these things literally. Elon is not literally, “putting it all on the line” because there is no literal line and even if there were, everything couldn’t fit on it. Likewise, Elon already has a literal “baby” whereas Tesla is a figurative baby. …Just wanted to clear that up.

And in case you were wondering if this move is a conflict of interest, well, let me tell you, that… shut up.