Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

The Department of Justice has confirmed it is considering forcing Google to sell off parts of its business including the ‘G’ from its name to become ‘Oole’. 

The case comes in response to Google parent company Alphabet’s attempt to sue Merriam-Webster for copyright infringement. The court ruled in favor of the dictionary and suggested it was in fact Google that was monopolizing letters. 

Now the DoJ says it is considering, “behavioral and structural remedies that would prevent Google from using products such as Chrome, Play, Android, and the letter ‘G’ to advantage Google.”

Antitrust suits ordinarily bring about the breaking up of large firms meaning Google might be forced to sell off assets deemed monopolizing such as Google Glass, Google Buzz, and even the letter ‘G’. It is unclear whether other letters are on the table at this time.

The filing continued to explain that when the letter ‘G’ or ‘g’ is typed into the Google search bar, ‘Google’ and related products are the top results. The DoJ argues that this is unfavorable to other search engines such as the Turkish propaganda search engine, ‘Geliyoo’ or the defunct British real estate search engine, ‘Globrix’. Google should thus divest itself of the letter ‘G’ so it no longer comes up when that letter is typed.

Exactly how Oole is supposed to be pronounced has yet to be decided but amateur linguist Derbert Monfreese explains that the company’s name should rhyme with ‘hooole’ and the sound of retching.

Despite the massive rebranding required, insiders at Oole are said to be thrilled with the change. “I never liked the letter ‘G’ anyways,” said Oole spokesperson Gary G. Giggs. “As the story goes, the original name was supposed to be ‘Oole’ anyway, that’s French for when you’re surprised by a very large number, but they misspelled it as Google and the name stuck. So I’d be happy to go back to the O.G. name. I say, Olé!”

Early bidders for control of the letter ‘G’ include Apple, who have long talked about rebranding themselves as Gapple, and Microsoft’s search engine ‘Bing’, who is just happy to be involved.

Were the move to go ahead, this would be the biggest antitrust breakup since ‘Llama Zone’ was forced to sell off the letters ‘L’ and ‘E’ along with their lama petting zoo division to focus solely on online shopping as ‘Amazon’.