New Trans-Atlantic Tunnel Plans “Definitely Real” Claims Science

Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written stories on a “3,400-mile tunnel” across the Atlantic Ocean connecting London and New York. All of these articles quote different numbers and refer to a vague “thought experiment” or “new research” but without saying what the hell they’re talking about. What’s going on?

Well, thankfully science has come to the rescue to explain that this tunnel is definitely real and also it is being built.

“I for one have heard of this tunnel and it is real,” said an individual associated with science. “The research all adds up and we can definitely say that this tunnel is.”

When pressed on specific details about the tunnel, the science-ist threw his lab coat in our faces and dived into a nearby canal.

Turning back to the articles then for answers, the cost of the tunnel is presumed to be $19.8 trillion. Where this presumption comes from is unclear. The journey time for tunnel users could theoretically be an oddly specific 54 minutes. What theory is being applied here and where these specific numbers come from also remains unclear. How this tunnel would actually work is also not described in any publication. And most importantly: NO ONE IS QUOTED AS THE SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION IN ANY OF THESE GODDAMN ARTICLES!!!

So where does any of this come from you might wonder. Well, maybe they all received the same press release. Maybe they’re all part of the same organization and it was a slow news day so they made something up. Maybe they all just copied each other but there is no original publication and they just copied each other going round and round without beginning or end. Maybe it was… Oh, no wait, he’s back…

“It’s real though and you can quote me on that,” said the science, dripping with canal water as he climbed back onto the land. “I’ve seen it, me and the boys, we’ve been down to the site, they’re building it, it’s big, maybe specifically 23 meters in diameter. And it’ll go underwater but you can look out of the windows and see the fish going past so it’ll be better than all the other tunnels out there. It’s true. I’m, I’m scientists.”

So that settles it, I guess I’m wrong and this is real after all. My apologies, go about your day.