Amazon has ordered an end to hybrid working and for all staff to return to their offices, but has made an exception for their drivers who will now be working entirely remotely.
“Amazon’s culture is innovative, inventive and collaborative and our delivery team have no place in that culture,” explained Managing Head Chief Spokesperson Jeffrey B. Bezos (no relation) in a memo performed at a private reading this week.
“We’ve been trying to eliminate the ‘human element’ from our distribution network for some time now. We looked into using drones but the robots have better unions. So, going forward we’re going to be implementing the same tech Tesla uses for their self-driving cars: just some guy sat at home with a video game controller and a patchy internet connection.”
When asked whether this change would affect one-day delivery, J.B. responded, “Please, save your questions for after the performance.” When asked again after the performance, J.B. responded, “No, if anything it’ll make it faster because the drivers won’t need to slow down to pee into bottles anymore.”
As to how the packages would be loaded and unloaded from the vans without a driver, the spokesperson mumbled something about catapults and then claimed not to work for the company. “Of course another solution, and I’m just spitballing here, you could just collect the package from the driver’s house, save this whole ‘delivery’ rigmarole. Can’t have packages on your doorstep overnight if they never left the drivers’ doorstep.”
Concerning the decision to end WFH practices for other staff members, Jeff continued, “Our culture is that of a start-up, the kind that’s just thrown together in your garage with sticky tape and string and monopolizes the online shopping sector.”
“A start-up is lean, not like this cumbersome behemoth we’re now saddled with, so we’re going to fire 15% of our managers (not including me though). A start-up is innovative and that only ever happens in person. What, you think a company like Amazon is going to use the internet?” *spits* “Start-ups aren’t ‘work from home’ (the garage isn’t technically part of the home) so get your ass back in this office! Not you though, drivers, you guys have a weird smell.”
