Following the DOJ’s ruling that it must sell off its web browser, Google has found a clever workaround by purchasing Microsoft’s defunct browser, Internet Explorer.
“Yeah, we gotta lot of patching to do!” said lead programmer Susan DeCorastinatisazborasinoter. “It’s a broken product, it doesn’t work, it’s never worked. But what are we gonna do? We just gotta have our own browser, we gotta!”
The Dee-oh-Jay’s demand comes in an attempt to break up Google’s monopoly on the market. Chrome encourages users to make Google the default search engine and in Google search, Google can promote more Google products like Chromebooks, Android phones, and Israeli spyware. It’s called vertical integration, like when my sister Debbie said she didn’t like how we were all treating her new seven-foot boyfriend but she’s going to marry him and there’s nothing we can do about it even though she’s too good for him and now I guess we have to welcome him into the family.
To put it another way, imagine if Google owned Google Maps and Waze, then that’s like the whole maps-app market, that would be crazy, right? Oh… they do own both? Ok, never mind.
However, the government will have no qualms about Google’s ownership of IE since IE directs users to use, er, Bing which is not owned by Google (yet). And also Bing sucks and everyone hates it.
Microsoft Internet Explorer was once the most popular web browser in the world but then it wasn’t that anymore. Now, Windows Internet Explorer is called Microsoft Edge and my kids are 27 and thinking about having children for themselves. The only thing I’m on the edge of is my sanity, am I right fellas?
A Google executive spokesperson said in a statement that, “The DOJ continues to push a racial agenda that goes far beyond what would be profitable for us. This will harm consumers, developers, American technical leadership, our energy infrastructure, waste management, the troops, orphans, my pay rise, the pretty colors in the Google Chrome logo those will have to go, and of course, freedom of speech.”
It’s been a tough run recently for Google. Just a few weeks ago, the company was forced to sell off the letter ‘G’ in an anti-trust lawsuit and is still in the process of rebranding itself as ‘Oole’. This suit came in the wake of Google’s parent company, Alphabet losing a copyright-infringement case against Merriam-Webster. Then, to add insult to perjury, Russia forced the company to pay a $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 fine.
Thankfully Google easily paid the fine with change to spare to fork up the outrageous $7 fee for Internet Explorer.
