Fed Uploads Economy to Minecraft Server, Market Goes Full ‘Chicken Jockey’

In an unprecedented technological mishap, the U.S. Federal Reserve has accidentally uploaded the entire U.S. economy into a public Minecraft server, triggering a cascade of ‘chicken jockey‘ market rallies, and a complete redefinition of America’s GDP to include enchanted diamond swords.

An internal memo leaked early Tuesday revealed that a junior Fed systems analyst was attempting to simulate inflation models using a private server when he “accidentally ported the entire economic backend to Minecraft Realms.” Within hours, the U.S. GDP had been replaced by the collective value of cobblestone, wheat farms, and digital horse armor.

“We didn’t realize the NASDAQ was running on a chunk loader,” said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell in a hastily convened press briefing. “But now that it is, we believe monetary policy will be guided by Redstone logic and Ender Dragon behavior.”

Markets React with Confusion and Creative Mode Frenzy

The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged to an all-time high of 1,027,432,550 points, largely due to speculative bubbles in obsidian futures and a hostile takeover of Home Depot by a 12-year-old streamer named “xX_EconWarrior_Xx.”

Meanwhile, the S&P 500 was replaced by a leader board displaying “Top 10 Wheat Producers (Survival Mode Only),” with Iowa narrowly defeated by a coordinated Reddit farming guild.

Major hedge funds responded by hiring pixelated interns and converting their Bloomberg Terminals into crafting tables. BlackRock reportedly placed a buy order for “whatever item makes villagers stop scowling.”

Congressional Response: Mostly Panic and Lag

During an emergency session of Congress, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries appeared confused as to whether the U.S. dollar still existed, asking the Fed chair, “So my wallet is now a chest and my income is now entirely paid in emeralds, why then does the IRS still need me to do my taxes?”

Jerome Powell, appearing at the session as his Minecraft avatar, explained that although the U.S. Mint was now a fully automated piston smelter located under the Washington Monument, yes, everyone still has to pay their taxes.

Economists ‘Not Experts In The Craft’

Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman stated the move could have benefits: “In-game scarcity creates real value. If emeralds are the new reserve currency, I welcome our new block-based future.”

Others were less optimistic. “You cannot base a sovereign economy on pixelated livestock and hope,” warned MIT’s Dr. Helena Zhao. “Also, someone griefed my retirement portfolio.”

What’s Next?

According to sources inside the White House, President Trump is expected to address the nation from a procedurally generated podium, likely built from birch wood and surrounded by torchlight.