As part of Costco’s promise to sell absolutely everything, the wholesalers have started construction on an 800-apartment complex in LA. Now that’s a big BOOM!
Built above the store, the apartments will feature a gym, BOOM, basketball court, BOOM, play area, BOOM, and a rooftop pool that the developers have promised won’t drip into the bulk-buy-bargain-meats-bin. BOOOOOM!!!
The 14,000 sq ft, single-floor apartments are said to come fully furnished with a single stack of palettes and 6,000 empty cardboard boxes.
A tenancy agreement comes with unlimited soda refills and a free hotdog. Residents however are required to have a Costco membership to live there. The reverse will also be true and anyone with a Costco membership will be allowed access to the residents’ apartments to purchase any personal item of their choosing or to hang out and just vibe, you know?
Residents will also be contractually obligated to attend ‘Big Justice Breakfasts’, a daily morning meet and greet with the Costco Guys in which A.J., Big Justice and (if you’re very lucky) The Rizzler will provide tenants with, “an entertaining and energizing start to the day complete with classic Costco wit, humor, and life advice.”
Local doctors have already expressed their horror at the plans commenting, “For the love of God please don’t put an elevator in there, walking downstairs for snacks will be the only exercise these poor people will get.”
Swedish furniture company IKEA also released a statement expressing annoyance that they didn’t think of this idea first and have announced customers will now be allowed to sleep in the showroom bedrooms after closing time.
The Rizzler could not be reached for comment as his whereabouts are still unknown.
Costco’s full statement below:
“Costco is and always will be a brand that represents loyalty, trust, value, freedom, hotdogs, justice, big justice, bigger justice, and bargain deals. With all that in mind, we are proud to announce our partnership with developer Thrive Living to provide low-income housing to low-income individuals who need houses.
“Of the many houses that exist none, I repeat none, have a Costco beneath them. There is one Costco in Denver that has a small family of squatters living on the roof, but that doesn’t count obviously. No, these will be real houses, houses you can live in. Fresh, tasty houses house only a dollar fifty and if you don’t like it you don’t have to buy it, it’s as simple as that. Look, I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do but you just have to buy these Costco houses, it’s just too good a bargain to let go, it’s an offer you can’t refuse but not in a threatening way.”
“Also, you will be required to eat only Costco and purchase exclusively from Costco if you live there, did I mention that? It’s OK, we genuinely have everything you can want and in bulk too so you’ll never run out. Speaking of never running out, you won’t be able to leave. And you probably won’t be able to run anymore. Not in an ominous way, just why would you want to? It’s an offer you can’t refuse. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. AN OFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE. Hey, who’s that knocking at your door? It’s opportunity and they want you to sign over your life to me, Costco. The Costco guy. But for real.”
“Hey, you think living above a Costco is crazy? You should try living in one for six months like I did. They didn’t know I was there at first they just kept wondering where all the discounted meats were going but one day a customer mistook me for an employee and I just played along because of course I know my way to the frozen pizzas. And then I just kept it going, showing my face little by little and then I killed a guy and took his Costco uniform and then they made me employee of the month and I got promoted, and step by step I worked my way up the ladder and now I’m the goddamn CEO. Can you believe it? No, me neither. But it’s true. This event really did actually take place. And it can happen to you too if you do exactly as I say: BUY A COSTCO APARTMENT. BUY IT NOW. Alright, that’ll do, I’ve got to Cost-go take a dump…”
