Just yesterday Donald Trump said he would not be removing ‘Jerome’ ‘Jay’ ‘Powell’ from his position as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Today, however, the president-of-Christmas-future announced that he would in fact be replacing Jay with someone who’s, “A very smart girl, a lot of business sense. She’s pretty but she’s also got a good head on her. Brains too. Tremendous numbers. And she knows those numbers and she’s going to help us run the economy of this country. Here she is, Hawk…? Hawk Tuah? …what kind of a name is that?”
Hawk Tuah Girl, also known as ‘Haliey Welch’ is an internet ‘personality’ who went viral, like, years ago for humorously simulating a sex act that is too explicit to name here. Now she’s ahead of the rest as she’ll likely head up the Fed as the Fed’s head head.
(And just as an aside, I’m not making this up but the Wikipedia page for Hawk Tuah begins with an explanation of the Ancient Greek word for spit. “Onomatopoeia for spitting sounds have been attested since time immemorial,” who writes this stuff?)
The news comes after Hawk has been accused of running a pump-and-dump crypto scam with her memecoin, HAWK, which has dropped a massive 91% since its first release. Billions have now lost their life savings and Tuah is facing multiple disgruntled looks from fans and distant cousins alike.
“She’s someone you want running your economy. They’re calling her a scam but if she got money that’s not a scam that makes her smart. The people in my government are going to be people who make money, not lose money. I don’t need losers. And Hawk-Girl is not a loser. She’s a winner.”
Hawk Tuah runs a podcast cleverly titled Talk Tuah and a dating advice app not-so-cleverly called Pookie Tools. I don’t get that last one, is that a pun or what? She’s not had Trump on the podcast but she was once asked if she would hawk-tuah Donald Trump, which is a normal thing to ask a person, and she said, “It’s a no from me.”
We are barely weeks away from the end of 2024 and God shalt not let mine soul rest. There’s always time for a topical crossover. We have to squeeze every last drop of 2024 memes out of this year. In the split seconds before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve we’ll all be writhing on the floor chanting Hawk Tuah crypto Donald Trump Jake Paul memecoin until our lungs give out. It’s called synergy and it’s what we do now.
