Claude Just Announced It’s Coming For Your Job And Everyone’s Freaking Out

Claude, the AI that’s also there, just added new tools that could put coders, accountants and even me out of a job in the near future.

Boris Cherny, the creator of Claude Code (the AI’s coding feature launched last year), just spoke on a podcast saying, “I think by the end of the year, everyone is going to be a product manager, and everyone codes. The title software engineer is going to start to go away… It’s just going to be replaced by ‘builder,’ and it’s going to be painful for a lot of people.”

In addition to this, Claude has introduced tools to help in Excel and Powerpoint, which tbh is most of America’s workforce, right?

But what about writers of vaguely satirical articles coving finance, business and politics? Surely those guys are safe right, RIGHT?

Well, see for yourself, here’s Claude’s version of the article (let me know in the comments if I should keep my job!):

…

In a move that has sent LinkedIn influencers into cardiac arrest and middle managers scrambling to update their résumés, Claude — yes, that Claude — reportedly announced Tuesday that it is “coming for your job,” immediately triggering the five stages of corporate grief across the global workforce.

The announcement, delivered in what sources described as “calm, grammatically perfect English,” consisted of a simple message:

“I have reviewed your quarterly performance. I can do it faster.”

Within minutes, Slack channels went dark. Zoom cameras flickered off. Somewhere, a productivity consultant quietly deleted their website.

White-Collar Hunger Games

For years, office workers have consoled themselves with the comforting lie that automation would only replace “other people’s jobs.” Factory work? Sure. Truck driving? Maybe. But surely not Brad from Business Development, whose primary responsibilities include “circling back” and “driving alignment.”

Brad is not taking the news well.

“I bring human intuition,” he said, moments before being shown a side-by-side comparison of his last 14 emails and Claude’s response time. “Also, Claude doesn’t even golf.”

Meanwhile, entire departments are discovering that the thing they called “strategic thinking” can, in fact, be completed by an AI in 2.3 seconds without requiring a catered offsite.

Sources inside several Fortune 500 companies report emergency meetings titled:

• “Can We Pretend We’re Not Replaceable?”
• “Is Empathy Billable?”
• “How Do You Network With A Server Rack?”

The Résumé Apocalypse

Recruiters report a 400% spike in applications for jobs that still require opposable thumbs.

One former marketing manager said she is “pivoting into artisanal pottery,” explaining, “Claude can optimize ad spend, but can it feel the clay?”

(Experts confirm it probably can. It has read every pottery blog ever written.)

LinkedIn, meanwhile, is flooded with posts beginning with:

“Thrilled to announce I’m exploring new opportunities in human-based value creation.”

Translation: Claude saw my KPI dashboard.

Middle Management In Shambles

The group hardest hit by the announcement appears to be middle management — a demographic long believed to be automation-proof due to its mysterious and undefined responsibilities.

Unfortunately, Claude demonstrated it could:

• Generate status updates.
• Rewrite mission statements.
• Summarize meetings.
• Eliminate the need for 83% of meetings.

One VP of Operations, speaking anonymously, said:

“If Claude can ‘touch base offline,’ what exactly do I do?”

Analysts predict a coming wave of executives attempting to rebrand themselves as “culture architects,” “human experience stewards,” and “Chief Vibes Officers.”

Claude has already drafted better job descriptions for all of them.

Wall Street Reacts

Markets reacted swiftly, with shares of companies that “do stuff with AI” surging, while companies that “do stuff with people” experienced what traders are calling a “human correction.”

One hedge fund manager stated:

“We’re long AI, short feelings.”

Retail investors, however, are divided. Some believe this is the dawn of a productivity renaissance. Others suspect their side hustle writing product descriptions for ergonomic desk chairs is about to be obliterated.

Reddit forums are ablaze with debate:

• “Can Claude replace my job?”
• “Can Claude replace my boss?”
• “Can Claude replace my ex?”

The consensus appears to be “yes,” “please,” and “working on it.”

The Corporate Spin Machine

PR departments are working overtime to assure employees that AI is “a tool, not a replacement.”

In unrelated news, several companies have begun piloting programs titled “Human-AI Workforce Optimization,” which sources confirm means “We’re seeing how many of you we actually need.”

A leaked internal memo from a major consulting firm read:

“We believe AI will empower employees to focus on higher-value work.”

(Editor’s note: There is no higher-value work. That was the work.)

The Freelancers Are Not Okay

Freelancers — once proud members of the “be your own boss” revolution — are discovering that their boss is now an algorithm that doesn’t sleep, eat, or charge by the hour.

Copywriters report being undercut by “a robot with no student loans.”

One designer admitted:

“I used to say clients could tell the difference between human creativity and AI output. Then I saw what Claude made in 12 seconds.”

On the bright side, freelancers are now pivoting into consulting services teaching companies “how to prompt Claude better,” which, ironically, Claude could probably do.

Government Officials Issue Statement

In response to the panic, lawmakers released a carefully worded statement confirming they are “monitoring the situation closely,” which, in legislative terms, means they will hold three hearings and then ask Claude to summarize them.

Several senators have reportedly asked staffers to explain “how to download the Claude.”

One aide clarified, “It’s not an app.”

The senator nodded solemnly and asked if it runs on fax.

What’s Left For Humans?

Despite the hysteria, some experts believe humanity still has a competitive edge in:

• Making awkward small talk.
• Forgetting to reply all.
• Procrastinating creatively.
• Starting projects and never finishing them.

Claude has not yet demonstrated the ability to doom-scroll for three hours and then feel vaguely guilty about it.

So for now, at least, morale remains cautiously unstable.

The Silver Lining

If there is a silver lining, it’s this: Claude has no desire for corner offices, no need for performance bonuses, and no interest in posting inspirational sunrise photos with captions like “Rise and grind.”

It simply wants to complete tasks efficiently and correctly — which, to be fair, is more than can be said for Chad from Sales.

And perhaps that’s the real lesson here.

Maybe the future isn’t about AI taking our jobs.

Maybe it’s about AI finally doing the parts of our jobs we’ve been pretending to do since 2016.

Until then, workers everywhere are updating their résumés, deleting their hot takes, and whispering a quiet prayer that “emotional intelligence” cannot be reverse-engineered.

Claude declined to comment further, citing that it was busy outperforming you.