Gen Z Not Becoming Millionaires Because They Chose To Exist In The Wrong Decade

If you’re a member of Gen Z, or a younger Millennial currently spending 65% of your paycheck to rent a windowless apartment that smells like damp carpet, we have some bad news. It turns out your current financial situation isn’t actually the fault of inflation or the housing market. It’s entirely your fault for being a lazy, unproductive non-entity back when the market was actually giving away free wealth.

According to a mind-boggling stat dropped by our friends over at Polymarket on X, anyone who invested a grand total of $10.41 into IBM back in 1932 is a millionaire today.

Which begs the obvious question: why on earth didn’t you just skip out on being born, travel back to the Great Depression, and cough up ten bucks for some tech stock?

“But My Parents Weren’t Even Thoughts Yet”

Sure, the haters and losers will try to use logic here. They’ll say things like, “I literally didn’t exist,” or “My grandparents were toddlers, and IBM was making punch-card tabulators, not smartphones.” But since when has Wall Street ever cared about excuses?

While your lineage was busy fighting in world wars or navigating the industrial revolution, prime corporate equity was practically being given away for the price of a modern burrito bowl. You could have easily walked into a smoky 1930s brokerage firm, slammed down a ten-dollar bill, and been sitting on a cool seven-figure fortune today. Instead, you chose to wait until the 2000s to manifest into reality. Look where that got you.

International Business Machines? More like Internal Bankruptcy Machines for anyone born after 1995.

Instead of capitalizing on nearly a century of compounding interest, an entire generation chose to sit out the foundational years of American capitalism. And now? The stock market is sitting at historically bloated valuations, houses cost a million dollars, and your avocado toast isn’t going to fix your portfolio.

The Playbook Moving Forward

So, what’s the move now that you’ve completely missed the bottom of a 94-year-old market cycle?

Simple. You take that remaining $10.41 in your bank account, accept that you will never own land, and put it all toward a highly speculative zero-day-to-expiration option trade or a cryptocurrency named after a household pet. After all, if a tech stock from the Great Depression can make you a millionaire over a century, surely a coin launched by an anonymous developer three hours ago can do it by Friday.

Until then, keep grinding, keep paying that rent, and try to time your next birth a little better.

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