After Failure Of ‘Up’ And ‘Down’, Trump To Trial Secret ‘Third Direction’ For Markets

In an idea that has never before been tried for good reason, Donald ‘The Jay’ Trump will attempt to add a secret third direction to the US stock markets after no one seemed to like the ups and downs of last week.

The news follows the topic of Trump’s tumultuous tariffs that have left everyone second-guessing the cost of their bulk order of defective Chinese defibrillators.

“We’re going to make a big announcement, Tuesday, maybe, maybe, later, but it’s going to be big,” explained Trump succiencely in a press conference today. “We’ve tried up, we’ve tried down, you people didn’t seem to like either, so we’re doing something else. Maybe a loopdeloop, I don’t know. Maybe a dead end? Could be fun. We’ll see.”

Financial analysts reportedly have their fingers crossed that Trump’s new direction will simply be a straight, flat line. You know, just to give everyone a breather, catch up with themselves for once.

Simultaneously, financial analysts are keeping their fingers uncrossed for the very real possibility that Trump’s secret third direction might be backwards.

“Trump’s made a lot of unprecedented changes recently,” explained Barry Gurstewin, CEO of MoneySlut, “Maybe he does have the power to reverse time, we just don’t know.”

A new direction of backwards would correspond with Trump’s desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ (or Mamericaga for short), a statement which famously refers to the past.

Speculants in the finance sector (them again) also suggest that this whole thing might be a grift, like a pump and dump but on a national, nay, global level. It’s simple, you just short the economy or sell before the dip, then crash the economy, then undo what you did so it’s all back to normal, and in the chaos of whatever the next thing is, everyone will forget this ever happened. It’s so simple an idiot could do it. …Or an idiot could do it by accident. Unclear which one we’ve got here…

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