Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

Warren Buffett, ‘King of the Meats’, has announced his plan to step down from Berkshire Hathaway after over 60 years leading the firm. The investor extraordinaire walks away with over $3000 billion dollars in USD, but just how exactly did he do it now?

Murder.

Yeah, you heard me. You don’t break a few omelets without making a few eggs, and Buffett was always a master egg chef extraordinaire.

Think about it, who has ever challenged Butteff for his meaty crown? Before Buffett came onto the scene, the richest man was shipping tycoon Daniel Keith Ludwig, who died tragically at the age of 95. Murder.

Then there was Walmart founder Sam Walton, who died at 74 of blood cancer. Or so people thought. No, it was Buffett again. Murder.

TV mogul John Kluge? Died peacefully in his sleep at 95? WRONG. He got Buffetted. Murder.

But things got tricky for Buffett in the 21st century when the new kids on the block seemed unmurderable. Bill Gates had his superhuman vaccinations, Jeff Bezos would retreat to space any time Buffett got close, and Elon Musk had those pesky bulletproof cybertrucks. Drat. Buffett would have to settle with the sixth richest man in the world… again.

Now, this is not financial advice, and I’m not saying that if you want to be wealthy like WB, you’ve got to kill for it. No, what I am saying is that you’ve got to be hungry, you’ve got to be ready to fight your way to the top. And if some people get a little bit dead on the way, then who’s to say that was you? Nothing that a little moolah can’t solve, you hear me?

Following directly in Buffett’s footsteps might not be possible as Buffett has already chosen his successor, ‘Greg Abel’, purely because his name is ‘able’, so I guess I’m not in the running then? Damn. So close.

Upon leaving the company, Buffett is reported to have said, “Capitalism is dead! Suck it, millenials!” before wingsuiting off the building. It’s not clear what Buffett intends to do in his retirement, but some have said he now feels free to pursue his lifelong passion and become a pilates instructor.

This won’t be Buffett’s last financial venture, however, as he has announced a new cryptocurrency, ‘BuffettCoin’, which goes on presale next month.

So it’s bye, bye Buffett, but before he goes we just want to honor the 94-year-old by listing his top 94 accomplishments. Want to know how he got his fortune and how you can too? Read on below:

1. Transformed Berkshire Hathaway: Acquired a struggling textile company in 1965 and turned it into a $1 trillion conglomerate.
2. Ate a dog.
3. Mastered Insurance Float: Utilized insurance premiums from companies like GEICO and National Indemnity to fund investments.
4. Legally changed his name from Buffet to Buffett.
5. Invested in Coca-Cola in 1988; Berkshire now owns 9.3% of the company.
6. Worked out how to crack an egg one-handed.
7. Invested in Apple: Initial investment in 2016 grew from $35 billion to $173 billion by 2023.
8. Invented gymnasiums.
9. Acquired See’s Candies in 1972; influenced Buffett’s approach to investing in quality businesses.
10. Fell in love.
11. Invested in BYD in 2008; proved to be a lucrative venture.
12. Increase monies from 0 to more.
13. Acquisition of BNSF Railway: In 2009, Berkshire purchased Burlington Northern Santa Fe for $44 billion, marking Berkshire’s largest acquisition.
14. Diversified Portfolio (probably)
15. Bought Dairy Queen
16. Bought Fruit of the Loom
17. Bought Benjamin Moore
18. Bought the love and respect of everyone on planet Earth.
19. Buffett studied under Benjamin Graham and championed investing in undervalued companies with strong fundamentals whatever that means.
20. Long-Term Strategy: Emphasized patience and long-term holdings, avoiding short-term market trends.
21. Decentralized Management but not in a crypto way: Allowed subsidiaries to operate independently, fostering entrepreneurial spirit.
22. Transparent Communication: Known for candid and insightful annual shareholder letters.
23. Mentorship: Guided future leaders like Greg Abel, ensuring Berkshire’s continuity.
24. The Giving Pledge: Co-founded with Bill and Melinda Gates, encouraging billionaires to donate at least half their wealth to charitable causes and secret illuminati programs.
25. Significant Donations: Committed to giving away the majority of his fortune, primarily to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.
26. Modest Lifestyle: Despite immense wealth, lives in the same Omaha house he purchased in 1958. 
27. Educational Impact: His investment principles are studied in business schools worldwide. 
28. Economic Commentary: Respected voice on economic policies and market behaviors. 
29. Presidential Medal of Freedom: Awarded in 2011 for his contributions to business and philanthropy. 
30. Carnegie Medal of Philanthropy: Received in 2016 for his significant philanthropic efforts.
31. Time 100: Featured multiple times in Time magazine’s list of the most influential people. 
32. Honorary Degrees: Received honorary degrees from institutions like the University of Nebraska and Harvard. 
33. Business Hall of Fame: Inducted for his outstanding contributions to the business world.
34. Shit, this is only 34, err, ok, what else has he done?
35. Cold showers.
36. Dreamt big.
37. Bought a house.
38. Whistled.
39. Made some money
40. Lost some money
41. Made the money back again. Nice.
42. Put two beers in cold storage for later.
43. Invented a time machine but never told anyone.
44. Bottles of beer on the wall.
45. Ok, wait, I’ve ChatGPTed some more:
46. American Express: Buffett’s investment in American Express began in the 1960s. By 2024, dividends from this holding reached approximately $409.3 million annually.
47. Bank of America: In 2011, Berkshire invested in Bank of America through preferred stock and warrants, which were exercised in 2017. This holding became one of Berkshire’s largest, though 15% was sold in 2024.
48. The Washington Post: Buffett purchased a stake in The Washington Post in 1973 for $11 million, holding it for over 40 years. By 2004, the stake was valued at nearly $1.7 billion.
    Idk if any of that’s true, but we’ll see if I get sued, I guess.
49. Hot Dog Stands: In 2016, Berkshire invested in 14,000 hot dog stands across America, showing that you too can stand up for small businesses.
50. Won first prize in a hot dog eating contest and not because he’d bought out all the hot dog stands.
51. Warren Buffett.
52. Warren Buffett.
53. Warren Buffett.
54. Warren Buffett.
55. Warren Buffett.
56. Warren Buffett.
57. Warren Buffett.
58. Warren Buffett.
59. Olgs.
60. Bought Wall Street Memes Dot Com and turned it into a hype site for Warren Buffett.
61. Fuck, ugh, 61. Why do I do this to myself?
62. Sixty two.
63. Why does he have to be so old?
64. The entry is left intentionally blank.
65. Fell over.
66. Meegledeeble.
67. Ahh.
68. Ahhhhhhh.
69. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
70. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
71. Warren Buffett died (future achievement).
72. Warren Edward Buffett (/ˈbʌfɪt/ BUF-it; born August 30, 1930)^[2] is an American investor and philanthropist who currently serves as the chairman and CEO of the conglomerate holding company Berkshire Hathaway. As a result of his investment success, Buffett is one of the best-known investors in the world. According to Forbes, as of May 2025, Buffett’s estimated net worth stood at US$168.2 billion, making him the sixth-richest individual in the world.^[3]
73. Warren Buffett!
74. My dad said he met him once but I think he’s a liar.
75. Can O Beans.
76. Reason number 77. I like to turn off the taps after I’m done using them.
77. Nebraska Furniture Mart (1983): Buffett acquired this retail giant, impressed by founder Rose Blumkin’s business acumen. The purchase exemplified his strategy of investing in well-managed, family-run businesses.
78. Died for our sins.
79. Came back again for our sins.
80. 81, come on, 81, so close.
81. Discover radium.
82. Didn’t get bullied at school or anything.
83. Loved by friends and enemies alike.
84. An olden bod by anyone’s stretch of the imagination.
85. Just a fancy guy.
86. Helped me out when i was struggling financially.
87. Role model.
88. Hot. Pretty hot. I would.
89. Called in a favor when he most needed it.
90. Refused to compromise.
91. Always looked ahead. Never backwards.
92. Dreams.
93. Gave us one hell of a performance in Hamilton: The Musical.
94. One more for luck. xoxo

Thanks for reading! I’m going to go lie down now.