Coiner Asks To Go To The Moon, Musk Shoots Him Into Space

Billionaire innovator Elon Musk today granted the wish of a local Dogecoin holder by having him strapped to a Falcon 9 rocket and launched directly into a lunar transfer orbit.

The investor, 28-year-old Kyle Stockton, who reportedly quit his barista job in 2021 to “day trade freedom,” approached Musk outside a Tesla dealership this morning with a desperate plea. Eyewitnesses say Stockton, wearing a faded “WAGMI” t-shirt and clutching a phone showing his portfolio down 97%, fell to his knees before the SpaceX CEO.

“Papa Elon, please, you have to help us!” wept Stockton, his voice cracking. “My memecoins are in the gutter! My SafeMoon is neither safe nor on its way to the moon! Wen moon, Elon? Please, just send me to the moon!”

According to sources, Musk paused, stared at Stockton with the analytical gaze of an engineer diagnosing a software bug, and nodded slowly. “Affirmative,” Musk stated, pulling out his phone. “Request for lunar trajectory acknowledged. Stand by for fulfillment.”

Before Stockton could clarify that he was referring to the financial, metaphorical moon of massive returns on his $800 investment, a sleek, unmarked black van from the “SpaceX Rapid Response Customer Fulfillment Division” screeched to a halt. A team in pristine white jumpsuits emerged, efficiently placing a baffled Stockton onto a gurney.

“Wait, no, I meant my portfolio!” Stockton was heard shouting as the team fitted him with a surprisingly well-tailored flight suit. “My JPEGs of sad hamsters! They need to 100x!”

Ignoring his protests, Musk oversaw the operation with quiet satisfaction. “He expressed a clear desire for a specific destination,” Musk later told reporters while sipping a sparkling water. “We pride ourselves on customer satisfaction and vertical integration. He asked for the moon. We delivered. Problem solved.”

As the hastily erected launch gantry finished fueling, Stockton’s final, panicked words were picked up on a hot mic: “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY DIAMOND HANDS! HODL! HODL THE GURNEY! TELL MY MOM TO WATER MY CRYPTO MINING RIG! IT’S A POTTED PLANT I PLUGGED A USB INTOOOOOO!”

The crypto community has hailed the event as an unprecedentedly bullish sign.

“This is it. The prophecy is being fulfilled,” tweeted user @CryptoCzar420 from his mother’s basement. “Elon is literally sending one of us to the moon as a pioneer. This is more bullish than a laser-eyed bull riding a rocket. I’m all in on KyleCoin (KYLE).”

Within minutes, #KyleToTheMoon was trending on X, and over seventeen new cryptocurrencies, including MoonKyle, AstroChad, and LiftOffInu, had been created, rugged, and declared dead.

At press time, Stockton was reportedly halfway to his destination, his faint screams for a Wi-Fi password to check his Blockfolio account being drowned out by the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. The FAA has released a statement saying they are “looking into the legality of on-demand orbital citizen launches,” but admitted they were “mostly just impressed with the turnaround time.”

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