Foot Locker Buys $2.4 Billion Worth Of Dicks

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker Inc. so I guess it’s more a foot thing, then.

Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)

Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.

This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.

Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.

And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.

Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…

…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.

For more feet news, click here: Elon Musk Unveils Self-Driving Legs