Palantir Stock Slumps 12% After Everyone Realizes No One Knows What The Company Does

Palantir Technologies Inc. (PLTR) has felt a massive stock slide of 12% after investors took a look at the company’s valuation and realized that they have no idea what the company does or what a ‘palantir’ even is.

Is it like a knight? Oh, no, that’s ‘paladin’.

The company, which makes… which invests in… which does something involving AI, probably, posted a 5% decline in the first quarter of last year, well below analysts’ expectations for a company that does something.

Maybe it’s a bit of armor? …nope, that’s ‘pauldron’ damn.

Europe. That’s a place. They had a share decline for the company. 16% to 10% this quarter compared to last year’s same quarter. So that’s interesting. Are you guys genuinely interested in this? Like, this entertains you? Ok, alright, then.

In a post-earnings conference call, Palantir CEO Alex Karp explained that “Europe doesn’t get AI yet.”

Ah ha! I knew they did an AI! Nice, nice, nice.

Oh, wait, isn’t a palantír that orb in Lord of the Rings that the White Wizard Saruman keeps secretly at the top of Orthanc tower in Isengard to commune with the Dark Lord Sauron?

Wait, let me Google it…

Yes! I’m right, the palantíri were forged by Fëanor, one of the Noldor elves of Valinor in the Uttermost West during the First Age to communicate across Arda. At least eight were made; however, by the time of the War of the Ring, only three are known to still exist, one with Saruman, another with Denethor in Gondor, and another with Sauron in Mordor, casting the reliability of the stones’ premonitions into doubt.

…What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, OK, so that’s it then, Palantir Technologies Inc. makes evil orbs.

Geez. No wonder their stock is slipping.

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