Trump FURIOUS With Positive CPI

President Donald Trump is reportedly furious that this month’s CPI (not the TV show, that’s CSI, I know, I got confused too) was a real win for him, coming in cooler than expected, with a (still high but) lower-than-expected inflation rate and an all-around bullish outlook for the economy.

Trump was keen for even better results than ‘OK’ and took to Truth Social to say, “CPI more like CPR! (NEEDS RESUCITATING!!) A minus is not fair when I deserve an A+++ S-TIER BIG WIN!!! The inflation rate is lower than anyone could have predicted but it needs to be LOWER! Jerome Powell will still swivel on a stick over this. CUT THE INFLATION RATE! TARIFFS WORK!!”

Sources close to the president say that he either wanted a really bad CPI that he could blame on Biden, Powell, Hilary, and the Illuminati OR a really, really good CPI that he could blame on himself. However, with only a mildly good CPI, Trump has reportedly smashed his favourite orange juice glass and sworn four times in the last hour.

Here is the CPI in full: 

• Judge: PA 429, K% 25.4, BB%16.1, wOBA .484, xwOBA .467
• Soto: PA 423, K% 18.4, BB% 18.2, wOBA .386, xwOBA .455
• Ohtani: PA 438, K% 24.9, BB% 14.2, wOBA .410, xwOBA .429
• Crobes: PA 500, K% 8, BB%% 9.1, wOBA .800, xwOBA .1

Oh, wait, sorry, those are baseball statistics. Here’s the right one: 

• US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (YoY): +2.9% vs +3.0% expected, miss of -0.1%
• US Consumer Price Index (CPI) ex. Food & Energy June (Core) (MoM): +0.2% vs +0.3% expected, miss of -0.1%
• US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (YoY): +2.7% vs +2.7% expected, meets consensus
• US Consumer Price Index (CPI) June (MoM): +0.3% vs +0.3% expected, meets consensus

…whatever that means. Maybe that’s why Trump’s angry, maybe he’s looking at this like I am with a squint and a big, “Huh?”. No one wants to look stupid. Especially when it’s your job to know these things…

That last comment was not directed at Jerome Powell. Please don’t sue me.

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