Gensler Physically Trapped in Office by Pile of Bitcoin ETF Applications

SEC Chairman Gary Gensler found himself confined to his office today, not by the usual bureaucratic red tape, but by a literal wall of Bitcoin ETF applications. 

Sources say the stack, comprising hundreds of applications, has reached such heights that it’s now blocking his office door.

As of the latest ETF-fueled crypto price pump on Thursday, the number of Bitcoin ETF applications awaiting SEC approval had reached a staggering count, rivaling the number of crypto memes on the internet. 

This pileup took a comical turn this morning when Gensler discovered he was literally barricaded in his office by a mountain of paperwork.

Among the applications are some creatively named funds such as the ‘Moonshot Bitcoin Bonanza ETF’, ‘Crypto Rollercoaster Ultra Fund’, and the ‘Blockchain Extravaganza Mega ETF’. An anonymous source added: “There’s even one called the ‘When Lambo Bitcoin Fund’, and we can’t tell if it’s serious or someone’s idea of a joke.”

The SEC, known for its stringent review process, has been under increasing pressure to approve a Bitcoin ETF, a financial product that would track the price of Bitcoin and theoretically make investing in the cryptocurrency more accessible to the general public. However, the approval process appears to be moving at the speed of a sloth riding a turtle.

In a phone interview, a slightly flustered aid remarked: “I thought I’d seen it all, but this is something else. Gary is considering an escape through the window, but he’s on the fifth floor. Maybe we’ll start approving these applications to make a path to freedom.”

As the clock ticks on, Gensler remains holed up in his office, reportedly surviving on a stash of emergency granola bars and water. Meanwhile, Bitcoin enthusiasts and investors are holding their breath, wondering if this bizarre incident will expedite the ETF approval process. 

For now, the SEC chair’s predicament serves as a tangible (and slightly humorous) representation of the overwhelming interest and enthusiasm – and possible euphoria – in the current market, which is desperate for the next bull run to start.

Warner Bros Set To Release Suicide Squad 3 Starring Themselves

Warner Brothers, the legendary company that brought us classics like “Casablanca” and “The Matrix,” has found itself in a bit of a pickle, as its stock took a nosedive faster than Superman on Kryptonite, plunging 19% last Wednesday. The company’s portfolio is looking sadder than a Batman v Superman Rotten Tomatoes score.

In what industry analysts are calling “a performance more disappointing than ‘Suicide Squad’s’ plot,” Warner has reported a loss so wide you could drive the Batmobile through it, with television revenues vanishing like a disillusioned audience during the interminable third hour of “Justice League.”

The executives at Warner are pointing fingers at Hollywood strikes and a difficult ad market, which is Hollywood-speak for “Please don’t look at our latest box office returns.” Insiders, however, can’t help but whisper about the studio’s misadventures in DC Land, where the Justice League is less “Super Friends” and more “Super Frenemies.”

Warner Brothers has treated us to Batfleck, whose portrayal of the Dark Knight was as warmly received as the Joker at a Gotham City Police ball. Then there’s the silver-screen version of The Flash, whose most remarkable feat seems to be breaking into places faster than you can say “legal streaming services.”

And who can forget “Wonder Woman 1984”? A film that promised us a return to the glorious ’80s but instead delivered a plot as confusing as a Rubik’s Cube solved by a toddler.

But fear not, faithful viewers, Warner Bros has a plan: A Harry Potter remake. Because nothing says “innovation” like rehashing a story that’s been told more times than Dumbledore’s age. JK Rowling, the Mother of Wizards herself, has promised this new series will stick closer to the original material than Harry’s glasses to his face – meaning, of course, it will be absolutely, positively devoid of any of that pesky “wokeness” that never featured in the books… that were all about the acceptance of different peoples and cultures.

So, as the studio prepares to cast yet another Expecto Patronum spell to conjure up profits, one has to wonder if perhaps Warner Brothers might need a bit more than magic to pull themselves out of this latest financial Chamber of Secrets.