Area Man Discovers Fountain of Youth, Realizes He’s Still Boring

ew what even is that?

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to. 

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures. 

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

Latest news

Pen Smith• February 2, 2025D

Area Man Discovers Fountain of Youth, Realizes He’s Still Boring

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behi...
Culture
Pen Smith• D

Area Man Discovers Fountain of Youth, Realizes He’s Still Boring

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behi...
Culture