Will Smith Kills Man At Oscars

Breaking news: Will Smith has killed a man at this year’s Oscars. The actor who was barred from ever hitting anyone again because it’s illegal was not allowed at this year’s Oscars. He did show up to the ceremony, however, but this year… he’d been working out.

Smith took his hand and, for some reason, targeted Bowen Yang and slapped him so hard that he died. Thankfully, Smith himself was only minorly concussed and received an Oscar for his performance. Critics are lead to believe that although the incident occured only three years ago it is still topical and worthy of writing a joke article about.

Now Will Smith’s murder of Bowen Yang will likely be the thing he is remembered for and not Wild Wild West.

Conan O’Brien commenting on the scene of the crime commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly performed a backflip.

The only individual elated by this turn of events was Jada Plinket Smith, who isn’t called that anymore because they divorced or something. Not-Smith commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly did a backflip.

For those of you who don’t keep up with movies at all, Will Smith is the first black actor to ever kill someone live on stage at the Oscars and hopefully won’t be the last. #oscarssowhite

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ceremony, a little someone I like to call Gremlin Boy is cooking up a storm. He’s wily, he’s timely, but I’ll tell you what he’s not: gay. That’s right, it’s Timpontee CHamletn!! Put your hands together and don’t take them apart until I tell you to!

Anora.

Oh boy, we’re in for a real evening tonight [insert Oscars transcript here later] [but then actually change it to make the first joke work, like, add the Will Smith thing back in here]

[If you end up watching it and find something more topical, maybe switch out this article.]

[Also not sure about the Gremlin Boy thing? I don’t really get it.]

[Sidenote: are you OK right now? I don’t know, a lot of your work has really declined in quality recently. I don’t know if you’re using AI or just high or something, but this one in particular seems like a low point, and if you need help with your workload or anything, you can always reach out. Just let me know – Tim.]