John Krasinski Named Sexiest Man Alive, Disappointing Dozens

Across the globe, millions of men cried out in pain and then immediately committed seppuku, knowing that they had lost out on the chance to be dubbed the sexiest man alive. Instead, PEOPLE Magazine’s award for the man who is objectively the sexiest goes to John ‘Jim from the Office’ Krasinski.

“Yeah, not going to lie, I’m pretty disappointed,” said 43-year-old bachelor and retired dog-euthanasiologist, Barton Meegles, from Michigan. “I know I’m not anyone famous or anything, but I think I’m pretty sexy.” Meegles then demonstrated by flexing a negligible bicep. “How can they tell he’s actually the sexiest though when they didn’t even take a look at me? This really sets my game back another five years.”

PEOPLE Magazine did, however, conduct extensive research on men up and down my wife’s ‘free pass’ list. Tests included a grueling five-mile obstacle course, a tax audit, a date with PEOPLE Magazine editor Wendy Naugle, and a blood test to discern the nominee’s midi-chlorian count.

Once the data was in, years of discussion and analysis by some of the world’s top scientists, mathematicians, and beauticians determined that indeed Krasinski is mathematically the man most filled with sex, narrowly beating notorious sex addict and convicted pervert, Slippery Steve.

Having successfully murdered the previous winner, Chris Evans, in a battle to the death, Krasinski now wears the crown for a year until his inevitable defeat by next year’s sexiest man.

The results of the most important election this year were announced during The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, accompanied by an instructional video skit explaining how you too can be sexy that is genuinely hilarious… what? Game recognize game.

PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Dead award will be announced later in the year, with Elvis Presley, Genghis Khan, and Joe Biden pegged for the top spots.

Emily Blunt could not be reached for comment.