How to Prepare for Black Friday: A Shopper’s Guide to Survival

In the  wild world of retail, Black Friday is the ultimate showdown. We’ve scoured the internet to find experts on how to survive Black Friday, from animal behaviorists to survival experts. So strap and and get prepped for the carnage, here’s your ultimate guide to preparing for Black Friday.

1. Limber Up: The Pre-Shop Stretch

Before you even think about braving the concrete jungle of Best Buy, remember: flexibility is key. We’re not just talking about your budget. A full pre-shopping stretch session is crucial. You don’t want to pull a hamstring lunging for the last PS5. Yoga, pilates, interpretive dance – whatever gets those muscles loose for the ensuing battle.

2. Buddy Up

Everything’s better with friends, including choking out an elderly woman for the last toaster on the shelf. Bring a buddy, or better yet, a whole entourage. They can form a human shield while you grab the goods, or at least document your shopping heroics for social clout.

3. Mark Your Territory

It’s a timeless law of nature. If you piss on it, it belongs to you. Go crazy, get one of those hydration packs and just pee on anything that you want- hell pee on stuff you only might want. It’s worth noting two things about this method. Firstly, don’t pee on anything that’s plugged in or wired. Secondly, some stores may look down on this behavior, but just tell them you self-identify as a wolf and you should be golden.

4. Arm Yourself

It’s every American’s right to bear arms. So get strapped. There’s nothing that asserts dominance in the aisles of Walmart than strolling in like Neo at the  end of the first Matrix movie. As it’s every American citizen’s right to bear arms, you may encounter other groups, which could lead to a Mexican standoff. Basically it’s a win-win.

Conclusion: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart 

Black Friday is not for the faint of heart. If this guide seems a bit extreme, well, maybe online shopping from the comfort of your couch is more your speed. No judgment here – those flash sales can be just as exhilarating, and the only thing you risk pulling is a muscle reaching for your credit card.