Economists Predict Hangover Recovery Will Take Two Fiscal Quarters
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Leading economists announced that the average New Year’s hangover will require two full fiscal quarters to recover from, citing inflation, dehydration, and “whatever that last shot was.”
The report explains that while physical symptoms may fade by Tuesday, emotional damage from drunk texts is expected to linger well into Q2. “Consumers attempted aggressive year-end liquidity events,” said one analyst, referring to tequila shots as if they were a sound financial instrument.
According to the data, productivity is projected to remain flat until at least April, when workers finally stop saying “I’m never drinking again” with a straight face. Researchers confirmed that coffee provides only temporary relief, much like government stimulus but louder and shakier.
The study also notes that memories from the night are marked as “non-recoverable assets,” despite multiple failed attempts to reconstruct them via group chat.
Hospitals reported a surge in patients asking doctors to “just run a quick diagnostic” on their life choices.
Meanwhile, employers have adjusted expectations, acknowledging that “working from home” today really means “lying down near a charger.”
One economist warned that attempting a “hair of the dog” strategy often leads to a double-dip recession, but admitted it remains politically popular.
Markets reacted calmly to the news, largely because no one was sober enough to trade.
At press time, economists revised their forecast upward after discovering brunch plans, confirming the recovery timeline now depends entirely on mimosas.
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