Colombian Trade War Averted Thanks To Mark Wahlberg’s ‘Flight Risk’ (2025)

President-again Donald Trump has praised actor Mark Wahlberg, saying that his latest performance in ‘Flight Risk’ (2025) was instrumental in preventing a trade war with Colombia.

“So there I was, watching Flight Rish (2025),” the now-president explained on Truth Social. “Great movie. 26% of tomatoes that watched it had a good time, did you know that? Mel Gibson. Nice guy. Mark Wahlberg, not so nice. Nasty, and I mean real nasty. Just a real piece of work. And you know he’s a piece of work because he’s bald. Not really bald of course, they just shaved his head. You can tell he shaved his head, you can see he’s not a natural bald, but otherwise, the effects were good. I believed the movie. I believe it could happen, sure.”

The diplomatic crisis (which bears no resemblance to the events depicted in the fictional film Flight Risk (2025)) began on Sunday when Colombian President Gustavo Petro barred two planes transporting deported Colombian migrants from landing. Petro said he disagreed with the use of military planes instead of passenger planes which have previously been accepted. Petro took to social media to protest but little did he know Trump also uses social media and a very public spat began.

“So I’m staring at his bald head,” continued Trump after recounting the entire plot of Flight Risk (2025). “And I’m thinking to myself. I’ve got a plane problem myself. We’re deporting these Colombian MIgrants. Colombian. MIgrants. Real nasty people, you think Bald Wahlberg is bad… But then I think to myself…”

“W.”

“W.”

“B.”

“D.”

“Very simple, ‘What Would Baldberg Do’? I live by those words. Ever since I saw Flight Risk (2025). And I think, Baldberg, that sonofabitch, well he’d impose a 50% tariff increase unless Colombia lands that plane.”

“So that’s what I did. I said, ‘You don’t want your people back, that’s fine. That’s fine. But then you’ve got to pay. You’ve got to pay.’ And Colombia they said, yes. They had to say yes, I practically forced them.”

“And for that, I’d like to thank Baldberg. Rest in peace.”

Trump then announced his intention to add Flight Risk (2025) to the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress and bestow Wahlberg with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Wahlberg has yet to accept.