Trump Discovers Cure For Cancer And It’s The Last Thing You’d Expect

It’s Diet Coke. Of all the things…

Millionaire hack Mehmet Cengiz Oz (M.D.) recently appeared on Donald Trump Jr’s podcast (why the fuck does he have a podcast?) to chat shit and now that’s news that I have to report on for some reason.

Anyway, in a throwaway joke, Dr. Oz said that President Trump will, “First start off with candy bars, that little candy jar, he’ll call it. He’ll hit the red button. And then comes the diet soda pop, which your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass if poured on grass, so therefore it must kill cancer cells in the body.”

Don Jr. laughed along so it was clearly a joke, but Dr. Oz continued, “I’m not even going to argue this right now. You know, we were on Air Force One the other day, and I walk in there because he wants to talk about something, and he’s got … an orange Fanta on his desk. So I say, ‘Are you kidding me?’ And he starts to sheepishly grin. He goes, ‘You know, this stuff is good for me. It kills cancer cells. And then he tells me, ‘It’s fresh-squeezed. So how bad could it be for you?’”

Technically, Trump is on a diet if he drinks Diet Coke.

It’s hard to feel sorry for a quack TV doctor who’s made millionaires peddling snake oil to desperate people but I do feel a little bit sorry. Mehmet is still a medical professional and I can only imagine trying to make the population healthier when the head honcho has the self control of a rabid dog.

“It’s fresh squeezed”? Shut the fuck up, what is this playground logic, does he really believe that? God, I hope not, we are doomed.

But hey, Trump’s got some admirable dietary qualities, as his son explained, “He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t do drugs, he never did, never tried it. So, he always jokes, when he pushes that button for the Diet Coke and the candy, the big bowl of candy, he’s like, that’s my alcohol.”

Yeah, I think you just might be on to something there. Maybe everyone needs a vice and sugar is clearly Trump’s. But one good doesn’t outweigh others and I’m not sure Trump can really claim the moral high ground he often does considering his sweet tooth. Heck, why am I passing judgement, I’m no better, what am I doing here, I don’t care about any of this any way.

POINT IS don’t quit the chemo just yet, guys, diet coke is not a cancer cure. It was a joke. A JOKE. ON A DUMB PODCAST. THIS IS NOT NEWS.