EXCLUSIVE: Earth’s Moon Feels “Replaced” By Smaller, Cuter, Younger Moon

With this month’s addition of a second ‘mini-moon’, Earth’s original moon, the Moon, has opened up about feeling “unwanted and replaced” in an exclusive interview.

“It just feels like the moment you reach 4.53 billion years, no one wants to hear from you,” the Moon admitted this weekend. “Why else would this mini-moon be suddenly getting all the headlines? I do think it’s ageism, I do. Mini-moon? More like mini-slut.”

The Moon is referring to 2024 PT5, the asteroid that recently entered Earth’s orbit where it will remain until the end of November. The mini-moon is not visible to the naked eye as it is only 10 meters across, but it is there, we promise.

“‘Petite’, they call it,” continued the Moon between cocktail sips. “I was never called ‘petite’. I have a diameter of 2,000 miles for god’s sake! And you know what? I’m proud to be big-boned. I’d like to see that PT5 bitch influence the tides with its itty-bitty waist.”

“How can you even call that a moon? I’ve seen more meat on a Saturn V rocket. You’re telling me Pluto is too small to be planet but this pocket-sized hussy gets to be called a moon? I’m the moon. I’M THE MOON.”

This development comes amid growing tensions between the Moon and the Earth. The astronomical bodies continue to drift apart at a rate of about 1.5 inches a year.

Last week the Moon Tweeted (‘X’d’, whatever), “YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I’m not made of cheese, I’m not a golf course, I’m not someone’s bare ass. I have feelings but half the time it feels like you don’t even know I exist. I’M DONE. I’M GONE.” However, at the time of posting, it was unclear if the Moon actually went anywhere since it was the middle of the day.

In related news, astrologers are said to be “shitting bricks” over the new moon. “New-new moon-moon rising? Is that what we’re calling it?” Carter Bungleslim, Head of Astrology at NASA said in leaked emails. “This is going to f*** up lunar birth signs for everyone. I’m calling it, any kids born right now are going to be retarded.”

When reached for comment, 2024 PT5 did not reply. Because it’s a rock. And rocks don’t speak. Obviously.