Amazon Offers Trump Olive Branch: Free Prime For A Month

After Donald Trump criticised Amazon for planning to list the extra tariff cost on their products, the company has rolled back the feature and even offered Trump a rare deal: one month of complimentary Amazon Prime.

The offer, valued at $14.99, includes free two-day shipping, Prime Video, an optional Audible trial, and unlimited passive scrolling through products the President will likely never purchase.

The deal was in the form of a gold-embossed letter titled “Let’s Move Forward, Together – With Prime™.” Sources say Trump initially believed it was a subpoena and tried to burn the document.

Amazon says they hope the gesture will “get that pesky Trump off our backs.”

“We believe even the most divisive national figures deserve 30 days of free streaming and expedited delivery,” said Amazon spokesperson Janus Panus between sips of union tears.

Trump Responds: “I Invented Amazon Prime, Frankly”

In a Truth Social post that spanned four paragraphs, three conspiracy theories, and one insightful review of Reacher, Trump wrote:

“Very honored that Jeffrey Amazon is finally acknowledging what everyone knows: I invented Prime. The drink too. Many people don’t know this, but I was the first to say, ‘What if packages came faster?’”

He concluded the post by tagging @PrimeSupport and asking if they could send “a new golf hat to Mar-a-Lago.”

Tensions Thaw as Trump Orders 600 Gallons of Orange Self-Tanner

Since activating the membership, Trump has reportedly placed over 120 orders, including:

• A Diet Coke drip
  
• A “presidential” karaoke machine preloaded with Kid Rock
  
• One thousand “MyPillow” knockoffs filled with shredded classified documents
  
• A 12-foot-tall lawn ornament shaped like himself riding an eagle made of bacon
  

Regarding his Prime experience, Trump replied, “It’s tremendous. The shipping is fast like Melania leaving a charity event.”

He reportedly left a 5-star review on the site saying: “Best bribe ever. Would destabilize democracy again.” then left a negative review for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, calling the show, “fake news.”

Bezos Reacts With Visible Emotions

Jeffrey Bezos has declined to comment and merely smiled menacingly from low Earth orbit. Sources close to the Amazon founder say he remains skeptical of Trump’s loyalty to the brand as a result of previously discovering the former president referred to Prime Day as “a Chinese hoax.”

“If this keeps him from starting ‘Trumpazon,’ I’ll give him two free months,” JB reportedly quipped.

Amazon has hinted at a possible “Unity Bundle” for other controversial figures, including:

• Complimentary Alexa for Rudy Giuliani (pre-programmed to call 911 at random)
  
• Audible Plus trial for Elon Musk titled “How to Stop Talking”
  
• And a special, “Maybe Chill Out A Lil” package for Vladimir Putin.