Former President Donald Trump won a landslide victory over his debate partner, “the mania-induced hallucination of Joe Biden” in their first televised debate.
Although Trump was scheduled to spar against the current Vice President, Kamala Harris, Trump insisted throughout the night that he was in fact witnessing the hazy apparition of the current President and therefore won.
As the debate began, Harris approached Trump for a handshake but the Republican nominee seemed reticent and walked behind his podium. Psychologist and amateur paranormal investigator Dr. Ellen Shpochman has since explained that “The handshake was the moment when the dissonance between his mind and his vision became too extreme and Trump’s brain formed an illusion of Joe Biden to prevent further mental anguish. You will note that Kamala introduces herself but Trump does not, clearly busy reconciling her words with what he wants to hear.”
To Trump’s great advantage, the pulsing Biden-shaped light was an unskilled debater and would only respond to the moderators’ questions with unintelligible moans, much like the real Joe Biden. Trump was able to mock Biden’s economic plan of “four sentences”, label him guilty in his “documents case” and criticize him for approving the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, all points to which the indistinct Biden-like blur offered no rebuttal.
Gradually, however, the illusion began to fade and Biden’s ethereal face slipped into the nether world revealing briefly the vision of Kamala Harris. But Trump, still haunted by the Ghost of Presidents Present could only repeat, “She is Biden… She is Biden!” To which Harris replied, “Clearly I am not Joe Biden.”
As the multicolored kaleidoscope of Biden-ness seemed to leave the debate stage, it was apparent that Trump would lose his advantage. Once again at odds with reality, Trump lamented Biden’s fading specter, “Where is our president?” he cried of the vision, “We don’t even know if he’s a president.” And then, in a moment of touching empathy for his former rival, “They threw him out of a campaign like a dog,” Trump mourned and in realization whispered, “We have a president that doesn’t know he’s alive.”
This moment of concern, like a teardrop awakening a sleeping princess, was powerful enough to restore the Biden hallucination and Trump was back in the debate. Throwing zinger after zinger, Trump accused the fragmented memory of Biden and the hallucination of his son (who had also materialized on stage) of taking money from China and Ukraine and in the final sentence of his closing argument called him, “the worst president in the history of our country.”
Shadow-Biden pulsed silently for a moment then said inexplicably, “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” before fading out of reality. Trump left the debate stage the clear winner with a final score of 32 to 1.
