Yesterday Donald Trump announced a plan to lynch shoplifters over “one really violent day”, apparently taking campaign strategy from the movie franchise, ‘The Purge’.
At a Pennsylvania rally, Trump described the new policy to combat shoplifting by allowing police to act as Batman, enacting violent retribution against petty criminals, but for a limited time only.
Self-proclaimed movie buff and ‘Purge Historian’ (not a real job), Derbert Monfreese explained that, “The six films and one television series that constitute the Purge Cinematic Universe depict a future in which all crime is legal for 24 hours. What Trump describes however is just a period in which the police can do whatever they want to criminals. Technically, that’s not the purge, that’s just a regular day in LA.”
When asked whether the nerds couldn’t let us just have one fun thing without running it with technicalities, Derbert replied, “No.”
In response to whether Trump’s idea was, “maybe closer to ‘Kristilnact’, then instead, can we do that?” Derbert said, “I’ve not seen that movie.” So, I think we’ll go with that analogy instead. Hold on, I’m looking it up… no, that’s like the exact opposite thing. Ugh! Great, well this article’s ruined. I’m going to have to rewrite this whole thing now! God, I hate you Derbert, you ruin everything and you suck.
Trump’s suggestion appeared founded on the claim that, “In San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted.” However, Derbert tells me, even though I didn’t ask him, that, “Actually, Trump is misremembering a Californian law from ten years ago in which some violent crimes (including shoplifting a value below $950) were reclassed as misdemeanors.”
The Republican nominee continued to assert that, “You saw kids walking with calculators… They didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing with calculators, adding it up.” He then mimed holding an old-timey brick calculator from the 80s. Maybe he saw that in a movie too because when was the last time a kid used a calculator instead of their phone?
Video clips and quotes from the rally give the appearance of Trump’s words being taken out of context but I didn’t make this up, Derbert! He really said this, look, here’s the portion of the speech with the rambling bits crossed through so you can see nothing’s cut out.
“We have to let the police do their job and if they have to be extraordinarily rough. And you know the funny thing with all of that stuff, look at the department stores, same thing. They walk into a– you see these guys walking out with air conditioners with the refrigerators on their back. The craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family your house, your car. The police wanna do it, the border patrol wants to do it. The border patrol, they’re incredible. They wanna do it. They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let ‘em do it. The liberal left wants to destroy ‘em and they wanna destroy our country.”
“You know if you have one day like one real rough nasty day with the drugstores as an example, where when they start walking out with, you know she created something in San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted. Well, it works out that the 950 is a misnomer ‘cos you can steal whatever you want, you can go way above but you’d see it originally, you saw kids walking with calculators. They would calculate. They didn’t want to go over the $950 they’re standing with calculators, adding it up. You know these are smart, smart people, they’re not so stupid but they have to be taught.”
“Now if you had one really violent day like a guy like Mike Kelly put him in charge, congressman kelly put him in charge for one day. Mike would you say, you right here. He’s a great congressman. Would you say Mike that if you were in charge you would say, ‘Oh, please don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let–’ all these stores go out of business right? They don’t pay rent the city doesn’t have money the whole, it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. ONE. ROUGH. HOUR. (and I mean real rough) the world will get out and it will end immediately. End immediately. You know? It’ll end immediately. Crooked Joe Biden…”
You happy now Derbert, you goddamn nerd?
‘The Purge: Election Year’ is available to stream now on Netflix and CSPAN.
