HEARTBREAKING: Rabid Monkey In Charge Of Tariffs Dies

It’s quiet in the halls of the White House today. A dark cloud has descended over the Washington skies. Pumpulina, the Capuchin monkey who decided tariffs for foreign exports, has sadly passed away at the age of six.

Pumpulina was born in the Cincinnati Zoo and lived there until one zoo keeper noted that she would become particularly involved in distributing food to other monkeys. The keeper contacted a local economist who brought Pumpulina away for study.

As it turned out, Pumpulina was extremely adept at applying economic tariffs to foreign exports. When given a toy globe, Pumpulina would identify the country she would like to be tariffed by throwing her own faeces at the map. Researchers would then determine the size and pungency of the tariff by how much shit had been thrown.

It wasn’t long before this phenomenal ability caught the attention of Washington.

After earning an honorary degree in economics from Harvard, Pumpy finally received the highest honor a monkey can receive when she was granted unrestricted control of tariffs on foreign exports during Trump’s second term.

Monkey Business

Pumpulina was all ready to bring the United States into a new era of unprecedented economic prosperity however, Pumpulina unfortunately contracted rabies mere days before Trump took office.

None of the staffers seemed to notice the monkey’s increasingly erratic behaviour and illogical economic decisions. They were all blinded by Lil Pump’s former brilliance.

Pumpu-Baby decided to incur massive tariffs that increased over time and then u-turned on a bunch of others in a strategy that would only make sense to a rabid monkey. Everyone went along with the choices, however, because, of course, the Pump-inator knows what she’s doing.

But rabies comes for us all in the end, and Ms. Pumpulina tragically lost her long battle with the debilitating virus, passing away in her sleep this Friday.

Pumpulina will receive a state funeral and be buried in the Capitol Rotunda.

And the tariffs are likely to get a bit more sensible from now on.

Rest In Peace, Pumpulina.