In what many are calling the most important political debate of the year, You and Your Opinionated Uncle are scheduled to face off this Thanksgiving.
Although not the first, depending on the rhetoric, this may be the last debate between these two hot-headed candidates. Whilst You are expected to bring up numerous issues focused on policy grounded in facts and statistics, Your Opinionated Uncle is predicted to go in on “just vibes”.
It’s true that neither candidate for the title of ‘the most right family member’ has ever seen eye to eye with the other, but this year viewers are hoping for a more cordial back and forth.
“I just want to get through one Thanksgiving without having to play political mediator,” says Granny Sue who normally has your back but you are not sure how she voted this year so maybe she’s a goddamn traitor like the rest of them. “To try and calm things down, both debaters have agreed to have their mics muted whilst the other is talking.”
“I enjoy it personally,” says your cousin Jim who can’t talk because he’s been overseas with some NGO in Africa for years so how can he say he’s invested? None of this really affects him. “What? It’s fun to have a good healthy debate. A bit of intelligent discussion. It’s character-building. So long as no one gets punched like last year.”
Pundits are already putting up odds on who they think will win with 2:1 on Your Opinionated Uncle.
Some people ask if this is really in the spirit of things. Isn’t Thanksgiving about giving thanks? Being thankful and spreading love? Well, no.
Every year millions of turkeys are slaughtered PRECISELY so you can have a shouting match with a family member who’s distant enough that you don’t mind offending them a little.
[*The Star-Spangled Banner starts playing*]
Because America is all about our differences. It’s all about our freedom of speech and expressing that freedom violently. You have an obligation to debate the economy until the gravy gets cold and everyone hates you. That’s what the pilgrims did. You have a right, no, a god-given mandate to brandish your First Amendment right. Because if you don’t then all those Indians, all those turkeys, and probably Granny Sue as well (let’s be honest she’s on her last legs), all of them will have died for nothing.
So you cuss out your Uncle, boy. You go out there and put a smile on Lincoln’s face. Make tonight a night everyone will want to forget. Make the founding fathers proud. And God bless America.
Pass the peas, please.
