Congress Trading Ban Announced, Pelosi Frantically Uninstalls Robinhood

A bipartisan group of gay cheesemakers… wait, that’s not what bipartisan means? Oh, ok… A bipartisan group of politicians has unveiled a new bill that would forbid lawmakers from trading individual stocks, leading Nancy Pelosi to shit an entire gold brick.

The bill has been put forward by the most Texas Republican sounding man ever, Chip Roy, and the most Rhode Island Democrat sounding man ever, Seth Magaziner.

If passed, the bill would require current lawmakers (AND their spouses AND their children, wtf?)  to sell their stocks within 180 days and new Congress members to sell off stock holdings before being sworn in. Failure to do so would result in a fine of 10% of that stock value and maybe certain death. Damn girl, chillax.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was seen shortly after the announcement marching down a corridor house-yelling into her phone, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT IT COSTS, SELL IT ALL!”

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

HOT TIP: If you’re a Democrat, simply rinse and repeat this same critique, but against Marjorie Taylor Greene.

A Bill 65 Million Years In The Making

This isn’t the first time such bills have been proposed, but it does seem to represent a more bipartisan, combined effort. Just last month, Senator Josh Hawley’s Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments (yes, that spells out PELOSI) bill passed through a crucial committee just last month. Ironically, Nancy Pelosi herself supported the bill.

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

Let’s see what happens, but until any such bill passes, I’m doubling down on my Pelosi portfolio.

For more on insider trading news, click here: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”