Nancy Pelosi Is Retiring And Her Final Payout Is Wild

Famed insider trader and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided not to run for re-election next year, and the finance trades have been spiralling because of it.

“But how will I know how to invest?” commented one distressed junior trader. “My entire portfolio is based on Pelosi Tracker. What am I supposed to use? Reverse Cramer?”

Yes, the Big NP made a killing in politics. In 1987, before taking office, she and her husband had between $610,000 and $785,000 in stocks. Now that’s worth $133.7 million. You know what that is? That’s a 16,930% increase over 37 years. For comparison, the Dow Jones was 2,300%. Against the S&P, she beat that too by 559%. Does she know something we don’t?

Pelosi? More like, Gross-ly Overpaid

Pelosi has long been dogged by accusations of insider trading, exacerbated last year by her husband’s profitable sale of Visa stock shortly before a DoJ antitrust lawsuit against the company. The link is somewhat circumstantial, and no concrete evidence currently exists of Pelosi’s insider trading. Pelosi has even publicly spoken in support of greater regulation, which is exactly what she would say, wouldn’t she? Nevertheless, the running joke has come to exemplify the image of Democratic politicians as a corrupted elite, unlike all other elites, which are perfect.

HOT TIP: If you’re a Democrat, simply rinse and repeat this same critique, but against Marjorie Taylor Greene. (Don’t get that joke? Read this: Marjorie Taylor Greene Denies Insider Trading: “You Can’t Insider Trade When You’re A Political Outsider”)

Currently, the STOCK Act of 2012 (also voted for by Pelosi) requires lawmakers to disclose any trades over $1,000 within 30 days or pay a $200 fine. However, many believe the law does not go far enough. I personally think it should go even further and forbid politicians from using even money. They should be forced to trade seashells instead.

It seems that the general public’s widespread desire to see more fairness for lawmakers has made its way to Washington. Support is growing for some kind of increased restrictions. Maybe handcuffs when they visit the bank?

It’s OK because her husband did it, not her

Pelosi’s already got Democrats lined up to fill her vacant seat. In the queue we’ve got San Francisco Supervisor Connie Chan, former San Francisco Mayor London Breed (weird name but ok), AOC’s former staffer Saikat Chakrabarti and Democratic California state Sen. Scott Wiener. SAY THEIR NAMES.

Whether they’ll be as prolific traders as Nance was remains to be seen but who knows maybe we’ll all be trading on Chakrabarti Trackers this time next year…

For more Pelosi news, read this one: Congress Trading Ban Announced, Pelosi Frantically Uninstalls Robinhood