Oil Spikes 12% In Markets’ First Hour, Here’s Everything Hit By The US-Iran War

THE PRICE OF OIL IS UP! PEOPLE ARE DEAD! AMERICA HAS ATTACKED THE MIDDLE EAST! THE PRESIDENT HAS KILLED A FOREIGN DICTATOR!

Hehe, now, I know what you’re thinking, but no, this isn’t 1949, 1953, 1958, 1963, 1979, 1987, 1990, 2001, 2003, 2014 or 2020, no, this is completely different.

America is ISOLATIONIST now, haven’t you heard? Our America first president pulled our troops out of the middle east. HAVEN’T YOU HEARD! We’re not going to get involved in Israel or Iran or Lebanon or Syria or blahblablahblablah.

No, this isn’t a war because legally Congress would have to approve that. No, this is a conflict, completely different. These are limited airstrikes. This isn’t a full scale war (even though it’s spilled over into multiple countries).

But you’re not interested in any of this are you? No, you’re interested in your MONEY. Well, here’s a short list of all the assets and stocks hit by this war, sorry, conflict. Enjoy:

OIL

Mentioned at the top, oil prices have spiked because, don’t you know? Oil comes from the middle of the east? You thought it was shat out by dinosaurs? What? What is wrong with you? No, oil comes from the blood of dead civilians. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY.

STOCK FUTURES

Somehow affected by the present, American stocks tumbled following the news with Dow Jones Industrial Average Futures (DJIAF!) down 1%. Which doesn’t sound a lot but it is if it’s your one percent.

INFLATION

Is up, of course. So, good luck with that house you were planning on never buying because now it’s definitely not happening.

GOLD

The stability indicator. Gold is up. That’s not a good sign for anyone.

AMAZON

Amazon’s data center or something was hit or something? Idk, I’ve not read up on it, yet, that’s the second article I’ve got to write. I’ll let you know when it’s up.

OUR ATTENTION SPANS

I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but I can only handle about one major news story a week. Now that this war has come around, Epstein, Venezuela, Gaza, Ukraine have all been completely pushed out of my brain. I can’t wait for next week’s story that’ll push out this one too!

OH, YEAH AND ALSO PEOPLE AND STUFF

Sorry, forgot to mention like, people and property and infrastructure and soldiers and government regimes and cars and airports and children and teddy bears probably have also been hit but that just goes without saying.