The 2028 Presidential Race Is Already Heating Up: Here’s Everyone Who’s Running

We’re only halfway through Trump’s second term and two-ish years out from the next presidential race, but still, everyone’s asking everyone and confirming or denying or maybe-ing if they’re going to run when really half of them shouldn’t be doing any of that.

There’s been a lot of updates on this in the last week for some reason, so let’s look at the BOTTOM five candidates who have said that they’d run next election, ranked by how much they really, really shouldn’t run. Please god don’t run.

5. Gavin Newsom

Hey look, you win some, you Newsom, and Gavin would definitely lose some. Just last week the California Governor confirmed to CBS News that he had given “serious thought” to a Presidential Run but that he’d see how next year’s midterm elections go.

But Gav, I don’t think you need to wait. You might be the top choice among Democrats, but you are still deeply unpopular with half of the country, sir. Trump has long branded you enemy number one, and winning any Republican over would be a massive uphill battle. But then again, maybe they’re not the votes a Democrat would win anyway…

4. Charlie Kirk

The Republican commentator won a massive boost recently, with thousands turning out for rallies in his support and employers swiftly removing anyone who critiqued him. If Kirk can keep this momentum going into ‘28, there’s a chance that… wait, what? No, I don’t know why he’s become famous lately… he’s dead? Oh, shit, ok, my bad, scrub this one from the list. In fact, you know what, a dead person is still a better option than the next two.

3. Kamala Harris

Just yesterday, the former Vice President said “I am not done” in an interview with the BBC, firmly not ruling out that she’d run again but also not confirming it. The interviewer then pointed out that her odds were behind Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Savage.

But she’s not wrong. Kamala. Please, you lost. It’s over. ‘You didn’t do it, Joe.’ You had your unfair shake at the stick. The American public’s confidence in you has been shot to pieces. Please, for the sake of all our attention spans, do what Joe Biden didn’t and step aside for someone else.

2. Joe Biden

Oh, can you imagine…?

…NOOOOO! GOD. NO. GOD. PLEASE. NO. NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!

An Honorable Mention: The Presidential Also-Rans

Shout out to those who didn’t make this list because they have a better shot than the bottom of this barrel:

AOC. MechaHitler (AKA Grok). JD Vance. Me. Pete Buttigieg. Zohran Mamdani (he’s busy tho). Ted Cruz. A rotten potato. Donald Trump Jr. (AKA ‘Backup Trump’). Justin Trudeau. Mike Pence (who?). And Tim Walz (who?).

But the number one spot for the worst possible option to run for president in 2028 is…

1. Donald Trump!

Trump recently told reporters on Air Force One that the idea of running as Vice President, then slipping into the Presidential chair to circumvent the Constitution was, “too cute.”

Great! That’s great news, right? …but he did say, he’d ‘love to run’ for a third term. Oh, yes, of course, I forgot: why on earth would you bend the rules when you can just break them instead?

Shit. It’s going to be him again, isn’t it?