Venezuela To Send US $2.8 Billion In Oil, Here’s Trump’s 5 Wildest Demands
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Ok, but what if we don’t want $2.8 billion dollars worth of oil? What if giving us that amount of oil WOULD DROWN US?? I will DIE if you dump $2.8 billion oils on me. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE THAT AMOUNT OF OIL TO US.
…oh, wait, you meant ‘U.S.’, the ‘United States’, not ‘us’ …ohhh, sorry, my bad, carry on.
So the news is that Donald President Trump is going to make Venezuela send America (us) 30 to 50 million barrels of oil. That’s worth anything upwards of $4.
But that’s just the beginning of Trump’s craziness so here’s our ranking of the top five wildest things he’s demanded of Venezuela.
5. Trump Claims ALL The Oils
Olive. Baby. Nerdy teens’ sweaty foreheads. If there’s oil in Venezuela, I’m sorry, but YOINK. That’s now the property of the United States Armed Forces LLC. Trump claims that all of Venezuelan’s $17.3T of oil is America’s. That’s a figure that would add more value to the US than all the GDP of every country in the world combined.
4. Machado Will Not Be President
Trump’s just salty that she’s got a Nobel Peace Prize and he doesn’t. Opposition leader Maria Corina Machado seemed like the obvious choice to take over from overthrown dictator Maduro but you know who would be a better choice? Maduro’s second in command. Yeah.
I’m sorry, did you think this was about democracy? Oh, you sweet summer child.
3. The Government Will Reimburse Oil Companies For Rebuilding Venezuelan Infrastructure
Mmm, yeah, that’s just not going to happen.
2. Trump Demands Venezuela Kick Out China and Russia From Their Oil Business
Jesus Christ we’re actually heading to a full blown war. This is it. This is how it starts. I’m restocking the fallout shelter kids, everyone grab a gasmask!!
1. Greenland’s Next
Trump’s reportedly already looking into options for taking Greenland which he says America “needs”. But they got Maduro for arms dealing and drug trafficking, what are they going to book Greenland’s president for, smuggling penguins? (“You said you exported ‘snow’?? Yeah, you’re going to prison for a long time, buddy.”)
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