10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

Err, guys, someone just emailed us the full Epstein list? Wtf. Ok, I guess we publish? What’s the worst they can do, assassinate me? Phhf. I would rather commit suicide in an unguarded cell.

Yeah, so, here it is, WallStMemes.com has exclusively obtained what appears to be the complete, unredacted Jeffrey Epstein client list. The 287-page document, a heavily water-stained (at least we hope it’s water) PDF titled “FINAL_LIST_REAL_THIS_TIME.pdf,” was delivered to our general inbox early Tuesday morning from the email address TruthSeeker_Patriot88@hotmale.com.

While we cannot yet independently verify the authenticity of the list, which was attached with the subject line “FWD: FWD: FWD: U WONT BELEIVE THIS,” its contents are so staggering that we felt a journalistic obligation to report on them immediately.

Here are the 10 most shocking revelations from the document we just received.

1. A Detailed Business Plan For A ‘Beanie Babies For Dogs’ Franchise

Tucked between a page of encrypted flight logs and a blurry photo of a receipt from a hardware store, the document contains a 40-page, fully illustrated business plan for “PuppyPals,” a line of collectible, bean-filled chew toys for canines. The plan, which sources in the document claim Epstein called “the real ticket,” includes market analysis, proposed television ad jingles, and a list of “Tier 1 Rare” designs, including “Sir Barks-A-Lot the Knight” and “Chew-bacca.” Hey, he might have been on to something there.

2. Stephen Hawking Allegedly Knew How The Game of Thrones Finale Should Have Ended

In a series of transcribed conversations, the famed theoretical physicist reportedly outlined a “logically and emotionally consistent” conclusion to the HBO series that involved Bran Stark using his powers to invest in herring futures, thereby bankrupting the Iron Bank and causing the peaceful dissolution of the Seven Kingdoms. According to the notes, Hawking called the showrunners’ actual ending “a narrative black hole from which no light can escape.”

3. Bill Clinton Borrowed A Copy Of ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ In 2002 And Never Returned It

A footnote on page 112 makes a single, damning allegation against the 42nd president: that he borrowed Epstein’s personal, hardcover copy of the popular relationship self-help book and, despite numerous polite reminders, failed to give it back. “Bill, if you’re reading this, I know you have it,” a handwritten note in the margin reads. “There was a hummus stain on page 47. I will not forgive.”

4. The Whereabouts Of Atlantis

The document definitively solves one of humanity’s greatest mysteries, revealing the location of the lost city of Atlantis to be directly underneath a Panera Bread in suburban Cleveland, OH. Oh! According to the document, the city’s legendary power source is what keeps their Broccoli Cheddar Soup at a “consistently pleasant and marketable temperature.”

5. A Surprisingly Thorough And Negative Review of a Local Olive Garden

Over three pages are dedicated to a scathing critique of an Olive Garden in Palm Beach, FL. The anonymous author complains about “limp breadsticks,” “inattentive service from a waiter named Chad,” and a Tour of Italy platter that was “less a tour and more a brief, depressing layover in a sad, marinara-soaked airport.” The review ends with the ominous line, “They will answer for this.”

6. The Original Recipe For Coca-Cola

The legendary secret recipe is revealed on page 204. While it does contain trace amounts of coca leaf extract, the primary ingredients are listed as RC Cola, slightly more sugar, and a single drop of “yes, cocaine.”

7. Prince Andrew Was Merely A Middleman In A Vast, International Scone Smuggling Ring

The document alleges that the Duke of York’s frequent international travel was a cover for his role as a key logistics operator for “The Crumb-pet Cartel,” a shadowy organization that illegally traffics authentic Devonshire scones into countries with inferior pastry laws. The list contains several coded references to “clotted cream shipments” and “high-stakes jam deals.”

8. A List of People Who Are “Definitely Lizard People”

A short, bulleted list under the heading “REPTILIANS (CONFIRMED)” contains several predictable names, but also includes TV’s Guy Fieri, the entire 1997 lineup of the Dave Matthews Band, and Brenda, the head of HR at a mid-sized bottle recycling company in Wisconsin.

9. The Answer To The Riddle “What Has An Eye, But Cannot See?”

A needle. The document spends a surprising amount of time on this, explaining the answer with detailed diagrams. It seems someone involved was just really proud they figured it out.

10. The Wi-Fi Password To Epstein Island Was ‘Password123’

In what security experts are calling a “stunning lapse in basic operational security,” the document reveals the Wi-Fi password for the main residence on Little St. James was, until 2018, simply “Password123.” The password for the guest house was reportedly even weaker: “GuestPassword123.”

So there you have it! The complete list. You didn’t want more, did you?

(Oh, and there was also a long list of the names of incredibly famous people (Diddy, Queen Elizabeth II, Elmo, Trump four times for some reason) amongst irrefutable, damning evidence of heinous crimes that would put anyone away for eternity… but you don’t want to hear about that.)

Well, if you do, it’s on my desk! HMU and I’ll release it… some time, idk, when I feel like it.

For more on this story, click here: Musk Retracts Trump Accusations: “I meant to say, ‘Ronald Prump’ is in the Epstein files”