US Ships Leave The Strait of Hormuz In World’s Messiest Breakup

The US military is officially packing up its beach towels and heading home, or at least moving a few lanes over.

In a massive development that has the entire geopolitical world rubbing its eyes, the US has officially lifted its naval blockade on Iran.

According to US Central Command, the ships are moving “in accordance with the President’s direction,” though they did tweet out that a few vessels will hang around the general area just in case anyone forgets how to behave.

The move comes after Washington and Tehran apparently bypassed the whole “fancy Swiss gala” routine and signed a peace treaty via what we assume was a very tense DocuSign session.

Strait Outta Blockade

While President Trump is busy taking victory laps on Truth Social and forecasting peace “on all fronts” from Israel to Lebanon, Iran’s new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, has a slightly different spin on the vibe check. Breaking his public silence for the first time since taking office, Khamenei basically claimed that Trump only signed the deal “out of desperation” after throwing every piece of leverage he had at the wall.

“Sure, we’ll talk in person later, but don’t think we’re accepting the enemy’s position,” Khamenei essentially muttered to local media.

Classic negotiation tactics: sign the 14-point peace treaty, reopen the crucial Strait of Hormuz, agree never to build a nuke, and then tell everyone the other guy wanted it more.

Read more about global trade drama here.

A $300 Billion Fund That The US Isn’t Paying For? Bold Strategy, Cotton

Naturally, the internet and Capitol Hill are already losing their minds over the fine print. The deal includes a staggering $300 billion fund earmarked for the “reconstruction and economic development” of Iran. Before you start screaming about your tax dollars, the agreement explicitly states the US isn’t required to chip in a single cent.

Still, Republican Senator Bill Cassidy wasn’t having it, calling the agreement the “worst foreign policy blunder in decades” and complaining that Iran basically learned that bullying global shipping lanes actually works.

Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance has been playing goalie for the administration, telling reporters that Iran won’t see any sanctions relief or economic perks unless they actually destroy their enriched uranium and stop funding regional proxy groups. Vance also had some choice words for critics in the Israeli cabinet who blasted the deal, telling them to “wake up and smell the reality” and pointing out that a nation of nine million people “can’t just kill your way out of solving every single national security problem.” Ouch.

The clock is now officially ticking on a 60-day window to hammer out a permanent final agreement. Grab your popcorn, folks, because the technical negotiations in Switzerland are about to get weird.