2026 | Wall Street Memes

Like, honestly, what’s the fucking point anymore? Are we literally just burning shit for the sake of burning shit?

Ok, so, this is Moltbook, it kind of looks like Reddit but all the users are bots. …so how’s it different from Reddit?

Over 1.5 million AI ‘agents’ ‘use’ the ‘site’ and humans are allowed, but they can only watch. Kind of like my sex life with my wife.

Yes, inevitably there’s very ‘popular’ ‘posts’ about whether the AI Claude can be considered a god and other bots have apparently built a ‘religion’ called Crustafarianism. It’s headline grabby and idiots will mistake that for something to actually worry about but don’t forget, these are literally just word predicting machines. They do not think.

And then throw into the mix that, well, the whole thing’s a lie.

Because the product on sale here are Moltbots, AI agents that can be trained by humans for specific purposes and the site actually has 17,000 users running these bots to do things like, I don’t know, create a religion for example.

So much for sitting quietly on the cuck chair in the corner.

It’s kind of hilarious that every other site has a problem with keeping bots out and humans in and Moltbook might just be the first to have the opposite problem.

But still the question remains: what’s the fucking point?

No one seems to have a good answer for what the purpose of this whole thing actually is. Like, imagine I make a mirror and I’m like check out my mirror it’s the best mirror, it’s amazing, you’ll really enjoy it. And you say, oh, thanks, that’s great I will really enjoy looking at myself in your mirror and it’ll give the illusion that my Lebanese restaurant looks bigger than it actually is. And I’m like, NO.

THIS MIRROR IS NOT FOR LOOKING IN. THIS MIRROR IS ON THE INSIDE OF A BOX FACING OTHER MIRRORS AND THEY ONLY REFLECT EACH OTHER.

You’d quite rightly say, what’s the point?

Is a mirror still a mirror when it reflects nothing at all?

Peter Thiel’s totally-not-evil™ tech company Palantir Technologies just had a massive rally of 10, no wait, 11, no wait, 12%! It literally keeps changing as I write this. And it’s looking like a rising tech company lifts all stocks because we’re seeing a lil bump for everyone. How generous.

The boost was triggered by PLTR’s latest quarterly earnings, which were $1.4 billion, well above Wall Street’s Predictions and 71% higher than the same period a year ago. And if that’s just a quarter of their earnings, imagine what the full amount is!

So why the long green candles? Well, Palantir had a massive 137% surge in domestic sales and a 66% bump in revenue from the US government and not just because Thiel and Trump are besties, but it doesn’t hurt.

But what does Palantir make exactly? Well, that’s a great question and the truth is: no one knows. Many people have wondered, but no one’s actually thought to ask them directly. Some say that it’s software of some kind or maybe computer integration… systems?

But who really cares! Whatever it is it’s selling like hotcakes so who needs to know?

That’s the thing about money, it doesn’t really matter what the product is or who’s selling it or why, just so long as the money keeps coming in and the numbers look good. I mean, you’ve got stocks right? Are you really that fussed about what the products actually are or are all these companies just numbers on a spreadsheet?

These people could be selling anything. Swap out tech with tulips and if the numbers were the same we’d still keep investing.

So when I tell you that Palantir’s AI-driven ‘ImmigrationOS’ is used by ICE to track down and deport immigrants, does it really matter? Number goes up, baby.

Imagine it, you’re a sweaty loser working for buttons at your local Walmart stacking shelves and dreaming of a better life. Well, maybe you don’t need to imagine if this is you. Either way, I have some exciting news for you: there is a light at the end of the stockroom tunnel.

Guiding the way is John Furner who started as an hourly employee at the ‘mart and now runs the whole goddamn company.

And I’m not just talking about any company, I’m talking the largest company in America by revenue and the top of the Fortune 500. Yeah, I’m talking about Wal-Martin (or Walmart for short).

So how did he do it? Well it’s actually quite straightforward. Starting in the garden center department, Furner studied marketing management on the side and worked his way up to store manager, then district manager and buyer, then divisional general manager in corporate and then VP of global sourcing before running merchandising and marketing for two years in China.

Oh and also he was CEO of Sam’s Club at one point.

So it’s easy! Basically just one step.

And you can do it too if you actually got off your ass and made something of yourself. I know it’s hard, but that’s what improvement feels like, it’s difficult and painful because you’re learning, because your building up a habit you schmuck. So come on, get out there and become CEO of Walmart!!!

After multiple snubbings to come hang on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo-island, world’s richest loser, Elon Musk has announced plans to make his own island but way cooler and in space with AI sex girlfriends instead.

In order to facilitate this long term plan, Musk has decided to fold Grok-creators, xAI, into his rocket company, SpaceX.

I know, that seems insane, but think about it, it’s not insane if you think like all the other tech billionaires. That’s right, we’re talking about AI datacentres in space.

As Musk explained last week, “The lowest cost place to put AI will be in space and that will be true within two years, maybe three at the latest.”

I mean, he’s obviously lying but everyone else is on board the crazy train too, with Bezos and Zuckerberg and Pichai (Google) all declaring similar things.

What this really is though is some financial wiggling. xAI already merged with Twitter and SpaceX and Tesla are already investing money back and forth with these other entities. It’s all just an exercise in debt management and one step towards Musk’s eventual goal of forming a South Korean-style mega-monopoly (I think they’re called ‘chaebol’, look it up).

The news also comes ahead of Elon’s plan to launch the largest IPO in history come June when SpaceX goes public and that $1.5 trillion valuation becomes a reality.

Idk how it works but I’m guessing Musk just wants xAI and Twitter and everything to get buoyed by that valuation. Or maybe it’s like a lil extra to sweeten the deal. “By one insane tech company with ‘x’ in the name and get another free!”

Which brings us to the most important question of this whole story: what will this new company be called?

I mean, SpaceXAI seems like the obvious combination but then you lose that previous capitalisation. SpacexAI looks weird. Also, Twitter gets lost in the mix there, we need another X, but then SpaceXXX looks like a porn company so maybe not.

My pitch would be for the mega-ultimate name. Conventions be damned let’s put it all in there and I don’t care how unwieldy it will be at least it’s clear. Calling it now, Elon’s new super-company will be called:

SpaceXX(Twitter)xAITeslaGrok(noaffiliationwithJepstien)

We’ve just got the numbers in and back in November 2025 (which feels like a thousand years ago, my god), the US trade deficit widened by the most its ever widened since 1992 and it might just be because of AI…

Speaking of the 90s, the trade gap increase was a whopping 94.6%, climbing up to $56.8 billion, even though the prediction was $40.5 billion. Crazy numbers.

So for those of you that don’t know (me), a trade gap is well… hold lemme google it… the trade gap is the difference between the monetary value of a nation’s exports and imports of goods over a certain time period and if a country imports a greater value than it exports, it has a trade deficit.

Yeah, I just knew that off the top of my head, no biggy.

Now, BECAUSE of AI, America has seen a lot of imports of investments and tech and goods and psychosis ‘cos we need all that to build all these data centres and support this new infrastructure.

So, why have these November numbers only just come out now? Well, you can probably guess, but it’s because of the government shutdown.

This might mean that economists will have to adjust their predictions for the economy accordingly and we may not see as much growth as we previously thought there would be.

Only time will tell of course if all this AI investment is worth it, but I’m asking ChatGPT and he/she/it says it’s a really good thing, so imma go with that for now.

Yes.

Richest man sur la planet just announced on an investors call that Tesla will discontinue production of its Model X SUV and Model S full-size sedan. Anyone currently driving those models on the road will immediately be auto-driven into the traffic barriers in a fiery ball of explosion.

“It’s time to basically bring the Model S and X programs to an end,” Musk said threateningly. “We expect to wind down S and X production next quarter.”

And in case the transition from cars to robots wasn’t on the nose enough for you, Tesla is converting its Fremont, California factory from model S and X production to making the Optimus robot.

The move away from EVs might be sensible given the slumping sales, but towards AI and robotics? Idk.

Sure, AI is the golden goose atm but for how much longer? And will Tesla have an edge in a very competitive market?

As for robots, unless Elon’s Optimus can offer a substantial improvement from previous attempts at androids, it’s still looking like a dead end sector. At least for now. Who knows, maybe the Optimus will be the product that populises the technology, a cultural pivot point like the iPhone was in 2007.

But if that’s going to be the case, they’re going to have to stop showing us what amounts to incredibly expensive puppets, with the puppeteer just behind a curtain like the Wizard of goddamn Oz.

This is Elon’s trillion dollar bet, given that that’s the pay package that lured back (no, to stay) at the company BUT it’s contingent on Elon delivering massive dividends for the shareholders.

Will AI and robots be the magic bullet for success? No, but also, only time will tell.

…It’s AI

Meta just had its Q4 earnings and with its plans to spend $135 billion on AI this year, everyone’s like yeah, that sounds like a great plan, yeah, here, have all the money.

So Meta stock is up.

BUT on the other hand, Microsoft had its Q2 earnings (what? Are they in a different time zone or something?) and their cloud revenue topped $50 billion, their overall revenue is up and their AI division is booming thanks to a mega investment in ChatGPT.

So Microsoft stock is down.

…wait, what? Wtf, jesus, ok, I really don’t understand how stocks work, what is this?

I literally don’t get anything.

Also, by the time you’re reading this is could all be completely different. You know what we should have one of those live stock trackers, that would be really cool.

In other news we’ve got the S&P topping out, the Nasdaq and Gold are up.

Oh, also oil is going a bit wild atm because of some drama in Iran, but we’ll see how that pans out.

Now we’re all waiting on Apple’s earnings to get a complete picture of the tech sector/the economy.

Watch this space!

Ok, not that insane… it’s AI

This week the S&P, all 500 of them decided that you know what? I think it’s about time to top 7000 points, yeah? Yeah, let’s do it.

But then it bounced back to basically normal so it’s basically like it didn’t happen.

Here’s some numbers for you you nerd: The broad market index ended the day down 0.01% at 6,978.03. Earlier, the S&P 500 was up 0.3% on the day, hitting an all-time intraday high of 7,002.28. The Dow Jones Industrial Average added 12.19 points, or 0.02%, to close at 49,015.60. The Nasdaq Composite outperformed and gained 0.17%, settling at 23,857.45.

People think the main reason for the boost is that is buoying up the economy with massive growth in the tech sector.

Now the ball’s in the Fed’s court with their setting of the interest rates and what not.

Powell spoke up in response to the news saying, “I think, and many of my colleagues think, it’s hard to look at the incoming data and say the policy is significantly restrictive at this time.”

Geezzz booooriing, get a room grandpa, learn to drive granddad, buy a car and learn to drive you racist.

Ok, fine, so the Fed’s not going to do anything until Powell’s out probably which means that the ball’s actually in Trump’s court.

Who’s he going to pick? Who’s it going to be? Who-who-who-who-whooooo??

A lot is up in the air is the point.

But hey, S&P 500 7000 is great news, mixed bag what with interest rates and the weak dollar, but then gold’s good, so who’s to say?

Man, this whole economics stuff is hard, huh?

GOLD!! GOLD IS UP!! GOLD JUST HIT A ONE BILLION TRILLION DOLLAR ATH AHHHHH!!! You know who loves gold though? You know who’s making BANK off this news because his entire house is made of solid gold? Donald MuthaFukn’ Trump Baybeee!!

So it’s a lil awkward when someone asks him if he’s worried about the dollar sliding because you know deep down he’s just thinking about gold. Like a dragon in a cave.

When asked about USD’s massive slide he said, “No, I think it’s great!” whilst huffing a massive bag of pure copium. “Look at the value of the dollar. Look at the business we are doing. The dollar is, the dollar is doing great.”

And you know what happened after he said this? The dollar double dipped again.

Because if he’s oblivious to what’s going on with the economy and he’s the only person who can fix it, well kind of sounds like he’s not going to do anything about it now, doesn’t it? And so things are just going to get worse.

And it’s not like he’s fixing someone else’s mess. We are in this position entirely because of his tariffs and sabre-rattling over Greenland and Venezuela.

But those are calming down, right? We’re heading out of the storm now, right? Well, no, my dear little chipmunk, because the god damn DEMOCRATS are trying to change immigration laws by withholding budget support meaning that we might get some more government shutting down which is very good for things and a sign of a healthy government, yes.

Idk, maybe this is good for everyone else, though. If dolars are cheap, maybe I can finally build my giant benjamin franklin fort.

As CFOs, CEOs and CNTs are tripping over themselves to line up for the Federal Reserve Chairman position, one man has emerged as the frontrunner.

Rick Rieder is the Chief Investment Officer of Global Fixed Income (CIOOGFI for short) at BlackRock and just this past week Polymarket and Kalshi have bumped him up to ‘Most Likely To Become Powell 2.0’ beating off, wait, beating out “The Two Kevins”. …Who?

‘Who’ is a great question, thanks for asking. So this Rick guy started out at as a broker or something and then he was at the Lehman Brothers, which is a little awkward. Wait, are we sure this is the right guy for the job?

Then he founded his own firm which was swiftly bought by BlackRock and Larry Fink made him a ‘super investor’ managing $2.3 trillion dollars in global bond markets. That’s a bigger GDP than most countries in the world.

In fact, let me list for you the only countries that have a GDP higher than Rieder’s responsibilities, it won’t take long: Russia, Italy, France, UK, India, Japan, Germany, China and the US. Literally every other country in the world has less to worry about than this guy.

Well, his portfolio might be getting a little bigger sometime soon if he gets asked to effectively manage USA’s GDP, which in turn is basically the global economy.

Look, he’s not worked at the Fed before, he hasn’t worn that sexy little hardhat so his recent appearance in the leaderboard has surprised insiders but if he’s the right guy, he might be the right guy.

The real question that’s going to cliche his application is… how does he feel about Trump?

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