Putin Admits To Using Secret KGB Method Of ‘Crossing Fingers Behind Back’ In Negotiations

Russian President Vladimir Putin has admitted that at multiple points during peace negotiations with Ukraine, he has secretly crossed his fingers behind his back, making all his statements at the time legally null and void.

The action of crossing your fingers behind your back is a super duper top-secret method known only to the KGB and all children. In case you are neither of those things, let me explain: any statement made whilst holding crossed fingers behind your back means you didn’t really mean that statement. It’s just science.

The nullified statement can be anything from ‘I really promise I didn’t swallow Ashley’s Pokémon-shaped Cheeto!’ to ‘I really promise I won’t attack Ukraine’s energy infrastructure!’ Either way, the statement is no longer legally binding and cannot be upheld in the International Criminal Court.

Putin’s admission came this week during a press conference where he was asked about the latest ceasefire agreement. The Russian President then held up his crossed fingers and cried, “No give-ses back-ses!” (but in Russian) then scurried off stage squealing with glee like a little girl.

Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky(y) responded to the flawless outmaneuvering by saying, “Oooh, drats,” (but in Ukrainian).

United States President of the United States Donald Trump replied in a Truth Social post:

“WE MUST RESPECT THE HIGHEST LAW IN THE LAND, THE LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND!! President Putin (who I respect very much) made a great move and I only wish I had thought of it first! Do not fear! President Zelensky (who I respect) and I are already discussing a perfect comeback move we are thinking that maybe it was officially opposite day and Putin did not know or we might just tell on the teacher. WE WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!!”

Donald Trump ended the post with a winky face, suggesting that his entire statement might not be legally binding and that Trump has a secret finger-crossing technique of his own.

To learn more about this developing story, please, I’m begging you, read literally any other news source than this one:

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