Trump Accuses Biden Of Being A Pen, “Everything Is Computer”

The currently president of the United States of America, Donald Joey Trump has accused formerly President Joey Donald Biden of being a pen this whole time.

In an address to reporters, Trump said, “The man was grossly incompetent. All you have to do is take a look, he signs by autopen. Who was signing all this stuff by autopen? Who would think to sign important documents by autopen?”

Given time to think on the idea, Trump eventually landed on a much deeper and more disturbing theory: Biden was not just using an autopen, Biden actually is a pen.

Think about it, pens are long and thin, can’t walk up airplane steps and are only used by old people. It all makes sense. Trump confirmed his theory when he was walking around the White House and came across the hall of presidential photos. Finding Biden’s picture to be particularly unusual, he snapped a pic and shared it on X:

Trump Dubs Scandal ‘Pengate’

This all started when, last week, people started to line up Biden’s signatures and realized they were suspiciously similar as if they were signed by the same person. Rumors began to fly that they were in fact the same person and this person was an autopen.

An autopen is a machine that signs documents on a person’s behalf to deal with a large volume of signatures. Since an autopen can’t legally run for president, this would be the greatest political scandal in history.

Trump has gone on to claim that every document Biden signed through this method is now null and void, particularly the large number of presidential pardons signed in his last few weeks in office.

However, signacologists have quickly pointed out that Trump should want to avoid people looking too closely into the legality of signaturistics. 

Dr. Elbow Moston, an accomplished signaturist points out that whereas Biden’s signatures are all uniform and definitely the same person, “All of Donald Trump’s signatures are very slightly different. Who’s to say that’s actually Trump signing and not a completely different person each time?”

Moston also points to Biden’s presidential pen (see featured image above) to disprove Trump’s theory. “You’ll note that this pen is signed by Joe Biden, if Joe Biden were a pen how could he sign himself? Now think about that one will you.”

“ALSO!” Moston continued, frothing at the mouth, “Has anyone thought that maybe Trump’s also a pen? Huh? No? Well, how do you explain this!”

Moston thrust this pen into my face and ran away into the forest.

Well, that’s damning evidence if ever I saw it.

Here’s Trump’s full accusation from Truth Social because I have a word count to fill:

“The “Pardons” that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them! The necessary Pardoning Documents were not explained to, or approved by, Biden. He knew nothing about them, and the people that did may have committed a crime. Therefore, those on the Unselect Committee, who destroyed and deleted ALL evidence obtained during their two year Witch Hunt of me, and many other innocent people, should fully understand that they are subject to investigation at the highest level. The fact is, they were probably responsible for the Documents that were signed on their behalf without the knowledge or consent of the Worst President in the History of our Country, Crooked Joe Biden!”

This article is sponsored by Sharpie, “Write out loud!”