November, 2023 | Wall Street Memes

Tesla’s latest Full Self-Driving (FSD) update, FSD12, promises to mirror human driving behaviors so closely, we might as well throw road rules out the window. Scheduled for release in a mere two weeks, this update shifts from traditional code-heavy development to an approach more reminiscent of a teenager learning to drive by watching YouTube.

The Learning Curve: A Steep Drop into Chaos

FSD12’s groundbreaking learning algorithm is set to absorb millions of videos from Tesla drivers worldwide. While this might sound innovative, it’s essentially preparing to learn all the bad habits that make human drivers a menace on the roads. Blinker usage? A thing of the past. Staying in one’s lane? Optional, especially if there’s an urgent text or a fascinating billboard. Speed limits? More like speed suggestions.

Live Demo: A Wild Ride with Musk

https://t.co/VzTxpktH1q
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) August 26, 2023

Elon Musk, in his typical showman fashion, debuted the FSD12 update in a livestream that turned into a heart-stopping rollercoaster. Viewers watched with a mix of horror and amusement as Musk narrowly prevented the Tesla from running a red light and making an impromptu pit stop at Chipotle – because who doesn’t crave a burrito while testing groundbreaking AI?

The Future of Driving: A Nightmare?

As we brace for the arrival of FSD12, one can’t help but wonder if Tesla’s vision of the future includes a world where cars honk obscenities, casually speed, and treat driving guidelines as mere suggestions. In this new era, the term “autopilot” might just become synonymous with “your guess is as good as mine.”

it’s clear that Tesla is not just revolutionizing transportation; it’s also inadvertently championing a return to the wild, wild west of driving. Seatbelts fastened, everyone – it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Michael Saylor admits he’ll never stop buying Bitcoin and may need professional help after MicroStrategy’s Bitcoin holdings topped $5.7 billion this week.

MicroStrategy (MSTR) is the largest public holder of Bitcoin (BTC) with over 150,000 bitcoins in its treasury, accounting for over 80% of the business software company’s $7.1 billion market capitalization.

Bitcoin’s recent surge to $37,000 puts Saylor 25% up on his cumulative investment, which has been acquired over the last three years using company funds and proceeds from bond sales. His unrealized gains stand at over $1.1 billion.

Yet Saylor, lauded as a champion of the people for his very public backing of Bitcoin over the years, raised some alarm bells this week with his latest comments on the ‘Degens Den’ podcast. Some think he’s at a tipping point.

“I mean, 158,000 out of 21 million. Is that good? I’ll never stop buying Bitcoin. I want all the Bitcoin. Can I do that?” Saylor asked the interviewer, who goes by the alias ‘MuskMoonboi69’.

Saylor, the executive chairman of MicroStrategy, holds 10 times more Bitcoin than the second-largest institutional holder, Marathon Digital, which actually mines BTC directly on the network and counts 13,000 bitcoins on its balance sheet.

“It’s not enough. It can never be enough. Bitcoin is the scarcest asset in the world. I’m not aware of any limits to how much I can hold. I’ll just keep buying.”

Saylor last pulled the trigger on a BTC purchase on September 24, when he added 5,445 more coins to MicroStrategy’s books for just under $150 million, at an average price of $27,053.

“How much does Satoshi have? 1 million?” he added. “I can beat that. Why not?”

Obsessed much?

According to a source close to Saylor, some of his closest family are concerned that “this crypto thing” has become an obsession.

“The man never leaves his study. He’s either on some random podcast talking to crypto bros in t-shirts or he’s buried in his phone checking prices. We worried about him,” said the source.

Clinical psychologist Dr Kathy Woods confirmed to WSM that buying Bitcoin can be addictive to certain personality types, and that Saylor might well be on a dangerous path if he’s not careful.

“Everybody involved in cryptocurrency whom I’ve treated seems to display a particular kind of irrationality and blind courage when it comes to this volatile industry,” Woods says.

“Recent studies show that, besides the typical symptoms associated to gambling addictions, finance types who have had any type of success trading crypto seem to repeat unhealthy patterns. A lot of them have lost everything at one point, and believe they’ll eventually win it all back.

“Michael Saylor keeps winning though. I have to say, he’s one of the more successful ones out there. If he calls me for help, I’ll have to insist on Bitcoin as payment!”

Bitcoin’s recent rise in price is attributed to optimism that the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) could trigger an earlier-than-expected approval of the first spot Bitcoin ETF in the country.

Columbus, Ohio — In a pivot from its conservative roots, Ohio is now emerging as the unlikely epicenter of progressive policies. With the legalization of marijuana and the expansion of abortion rights, the state’s unofficial new slogan, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions,” is causing both uproar and applause nationwide.

The shift began subtly but has since grown into a full-blown cultural and legislative revolution. Skeptics and traditionalists voice concerns about the state attracting a new demographic of “abortion tourists” who might choose to overindulge in the legalized cannabis. “It’s like we’re rolling out the red carpet for them,” complained a long-time resident of Dayton, reflecting the unease among some community members.

However, the progressive faction in Ohio has embraced these changes wholeheartedly. Ethel Brown, a local baker in Columbus, has become a symbol of this new era. She’s pioneering a line of cannabis-infused baked goods, offering everything from THC-laden brownies to controversial “Happy Abortion Day” cakes. “It’s about freedom of choice and expression,” Brown states, as she decorates a cake with her signature green-leaf icing.

The economic and cultural ripple effects are already being felt. Analysts anticipate a significant uptick in sales of recreational items like hacky sacks, and snack items. Surprisingly, contraceptives might see a downturn in sales, a side-effect of the relaxed stance on abortion rights.

The societal impact extends beyond economics. Ohio’s universities are witnessing a rise in applications from students eager to partake in this new social experiment. “It’s like we’ve become the new hotspot for young progressives,” notes a professor at The Ohio State University.

Conversely, the state’s more conservative residents are grappling with this rapid transformation. Town hall meetings and local forums are buzzing with debates and discussions about the long-term implications of these policies.

As Ohio charts this bold new course, it stands as a curious case study for the rest of the country. Will it become a beacon for progressive values, or is this just a momentary deviation from its traditionally conservative path? What remains clear is that Ohio, once a middle-of-the-road state, is now at the forefront of a cultural shift that defies easy categorization. Only time will reveal the true impact of its decision to say, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions.”

Warner Brothers, the legendary company that brought us classics like “Casablanca” and “The Matrix,” has found itself in a bit of a pickle, as its stock took a nosedive faster than Superman on Kryptonite, plunging 19% last Wednesday. The company’s portfolio is looking sadder than a Batman v Superman Rotten Tomatoes score.

In what industry analysts are calling “a performance more disappointing than ‘Suicide Squad’s’ plot,” Warner has reported a loss so wide you could drive the Batmobile through it, with television revenues vanishing like a disillusioned audience during the interminable third hour of “Justice League.”

The executives at Warner are pointing fingers at Hollywood strikes and a difficult ad market, which is Hollywood-speak for “Please don’t look at our latest box office returns.” Insiders, however, can’t help but whisper about the studio’s misadventures in DC Land, where the Justice League is less “Super Friends” and more “Super Frenemies.”

Warner Brothers has treated us to Batfleck, whose portrayal of the Dark Knight was as warmly received as the Joker at a Gotham City Police ball. Then there’s the silver-screen version of The Flash, whose most remarkable feat seems to be breaking into places faster than you can say “legal streaming services.”

And who can forget “Wonder Woman 1984”? A film that promised us a return to the glorious ’80s but instead delivered a plot as confusing as a Rubik’s Cube solved by a toddler.

But fear not, faithful viewers, Warner Bros has a plan: A Harry Potter remake. Because nothing says “innovation” like rehashing a story that’s been told more times than Dumbledore’s age. JK Rowling, the Mother of Wizards herself, has promised this new series will stick closer to the original material than Harry’s glasses to his face – meaning, of course, it will be absolutely, positively devoid of any of that pesky “wokeness” that never featured in the books… that were all about the acceptance of different peoples and cultures.

So, as the studio prepares to cast yet another Expecto Patronum spell to conjure up profits, one has to wonder if perhaps Warner Brothers might need a bit more than magic to pull themselves out of this latest financial Chamber of Secrets.

Take-Two stock is pumping following news from Rockstar about Grand Theft Auto VI but gamers might not even be able to afford the next instalment.

Credit rates are so high and inflation so rampant that many gamers who completed GTA 5 back in 2013 now have 2.5 expensive kids, a painful mortgage, and crippling debt.

“I waited three years, then four, for GTA 6. It’s already been 10 years. I’ve got $150k student debt, a 7% mortgage, and two kids,” said a former gamer who also lost a fortune trading meme stocks.

“I don’t know who’ll play GTA 6, but it won’t be me, and it won’t be my ungrateful kids.”

Take-Two Interactive (TTWO), the company behind gaming giant Rockstar, has rallied nearly 7% since Wednesday following a mere mention of GTA 6, the publisher’s flagship title.

Rockstar announced that the first trailer for the much-anticipated title will be released next month, ending more than a decade’s wait for a first glimpse of the latest instalment of the open-world franchise.

How much longer? Really.

Ten years since its predecessor was released back in 2013, many hardcore gamers took the news with a pinch of salt. After all, GTA 5 was released on PlayStation 3 – two generations of consoles ago.

Speculation suggests a GTA 6 release window between April 2024 and March 2025. But at the current rate of inflation, when the game eventually gets released, it might cost as much as a monthly debt repayment.

“This means we’ll see it in 2026 if we’re lucky, I won’t get excited,” one gamer quipped.

“It’s kinda hard to be excited after how GTA 5 turned out,” said another. “I miss single player Rockstar and they spent the last decade releasing nothing but multiplayer DLC [downloadable content].”

GTA 6 = Cash Money

Yet Wall Street is drooling. The DLC strategy rakes in bags of cash for Rockstar, whose net bookings totalled $5.3 billion in the last financial year without any talk of Grand Theft Auto, the best-selling video game franchise of all time.

GTA 5 remains the best-selling single game of all time, and has consistently sold around five million units per quarter for the last several years. Total sales stood at 185 million units as of August.

And after Take-Two’s extremely bullish forecast earlier this year which promised to roughly double earnings over the next two financial years, confirmation that GTA 6 is on track is something of an ‘all-in’ signal.

Fringe traders caught by surprise by Take-Two’s latest move now await a bearish Jim Cramer prediction to confirm higher price levels to come.

NOW READ: Inverse Cramer Strikes Again: Bumble and Take-Two Edition

Wall Street has been reeling this week as the notorious “Inverse Cramer Effect” wreaks havoc, turning conventional market wisdom on its head. The phenomenon, named after financial pundit Jim Cramer, has become the buzz of the New York Stock Exchange after a series of astonishingly contrary outcomes following his stock endorsements—or lack thereof.

Take-Two Interactive’s shares have soared a staggering 46% since Cramer’s televised caution against buying the stock. “I don’t know what elixir Cramer’s sipping on, but I’ll have a double,” quipped an anonymous floor trader, who now tapes Cramer’s ‘Sell’ recommendations above his desk for inspiration.

Excitement over the upcoming release of “Grand Theft Auto 6” has propelled Take-Two into the financial stratosphere, in direct opposition to Cramer’s advice. “When Jim said ‘no,’ I heard ‘go,'” shared a mischievous analyst, who admits she now watches Cramer’s show with her finger poised over the ‘buy’ button.

Contrastingly, the dating app Bumble, once adorned with Cramer’s praise, has taken a nosedive, with stocks plummeting nearly 80% since his endorsement. It was back in February when Cramer confidently told his audience, “If you’re a growth-oriented investor, Bumble’s the way to go.” This statement has since become infamous among traders, prompting a jaded broker to say, “That Cramer quote on Bumble was like a bad pickup line—it seemed promising at first, but ended in disappointment.”

As a result of these bizarre market reactions, Wall Street’s elite have been left to ponder the paradox that is Jim Cramer’s financial advice. “It’s almost supernatural,” a veteran investor said, shaking his head. “If he says ‘buy,’ we brace for impact. And if he says ‘sell,’ we’re basically seeing dollar signs.”

Jim Cramer’s staff, meanwhile, are rumored to be exploring the launch of a new inverse ETF, cheekily dubbed “The Cramer Contrarian,” which would automatically invest in the opposite direction of Cramer’s calls. As for Cramer himself, he’s yet to comment on the phenomenon, but many on Wall Street wonder if his next book might be titled “The Bearish Bull: How to Prosper by Doing the Opposite of What I Say.”

In the high-stakes casino of Wall Street, where fortunes are made and lost on the spin of the fiscal wheel, the Inverse Cramer Effect has become the wildcard no one saw coming, turning the market into the world’s most lucrative guessing game. “In this market,” an anonymous strategist observed, “Cramer doesn’t just ring the bell at the top and bottom—he is the bell.”

In what financial analysts are calling a “diabolically innovative” move, Jack Jacobson of Tallahassee, Florida, has refinanced his home under terms that have raised more than a few eyebrows and ethical questions. In an effort to escape a 7% mortgage that felt more like a straitjacket, Jacobson has signed off on a deal that includes his immortal soul and his firstborn child as collateral.

Jacobson, who had hoped to ride the green wave of avocado farming, was keen on tapping into the millennial market’s obsession with avocado toast. However, the high-interest rates presented an insurmountable barrier, leading him to consider more ‘soulful’ financing options. “I mean, when the bank tells you your interest rates are going up, that’s one thing,” Jacobson said, “but when the guy downstairs offers a fixed rate for just a soul and a potential offspring? You start to weigh your options.”

Lucifer, who seemingly moonlights as a financial advisor, shared his take on the deal, “In the grand scheme of things, your soul and firstborn is actually, genuinely a better deal than you’ll get at many mortgage brokers right now. I don’t want to say it’s a steal, but… well.” The underworld CEO added with a fiendish grin, “Business is booming.”

This infernal refinancing scheme has apparently found traction beyond the Sunshine State. Lucifer disclosed a growing list of clients trading in spiritual and virgin assets to keep up with earthly payments. A Denver man reportedly traded his right eye, reminiscent of biblical times, to square away a car loan. Meanwhile, a family in Nevada signed away their daughter’s virginity for a Mediterranean-inspired pool renovation, complete with a grotto.

Back in Florida, Jacobson is reportedly scouring through dating apps, maternity wards, and even considering a mail-in application to ‘The Bachelor’ in a bid to meet the renegotiated terms of his mortgage. Friends of Jacobson have voiced concern, noting that he’s been brushing up on his nursery rhymes and baby-proofing his house, despite there being no baby on the immediate horizon.

Community response has been mixed. Some locals are calling it an innovative solution to a systemic problem, while others are dusting off their pitchforks and calling for a good, old-fashioned boycott of the underworld.

As the deadline for delivery approaches, Jacobson remains optimistic. “Look, I’ve always been a problem-solver,” he said, adjusting a new set of baby gates. “And I’m sure there’s a loophole here somewhere. Worst case scenario, I’ll start a GoFundMe for a soul buyback or a stork rental.”

In an age where the term ‘selling out’ has lost much of its sting, Jacobson’s case might just redefine it, setting a new standard—or underworld low—for the lengths one will go to for financial solvency and a slice of the avocado economy.

Woodrow Pugh of Arkansas has declared himself the first man in history to self-identify as a religious institution. Pugh, who insists on being referred to by the pronouns thy/thine, has claimed tax-exempt status, citing a deep spiritual connection with being a church.

“I’ve always felt at odds in my body,” Pugh proclaimed. “Turns out, I’m not a man, I’m a church. It all makes sense now. I love to have a sewing circle inside me on Tuesday afternoons.”

The IRS has yet to comment on this divine declaration of tax evasion, but local supporters have rallied behind Pugh. “Gender dysmorphia is a real thing, and we should be respectful of others’ decisions,” commented Alex Smith, a college student and part-time barista who has recently started a GoFundMe to help Pugh install stained glass windows in his eyes.

Critics argue that Pugh’s claim is less about spiritual identity and more about the holy grail of tax loopholes. However, Pugh’s followers, primarily online avatars, have been seen changing their bios to include thy/thine pronouns in solidarity.

When asked about the logistics of his transformation, Pugh was resolute. “Every Sunday, my soul hosts a bake sale, and on Wednesdays, we have bingo night. If that doesn’t qualify me as a church, I don’t know what does,” he stated while attempting to light a votive candle in his navel.

The local diocese has been less than amused, issuing a statement that while they support personal discovery, they are pretty sure that being a church involves more than just enjoying casseroles and speaking in King James English.

As the debate rages on, Pugh continues to enjoy his newfound identity, reportedly saving a fortune on both taxes and interior decorating by claiming religious sanctuary status. The IRS, meanwhile, has been spotted baptizing their calculators and praying for guidance.

In the meantime, Pugh has announced plans for a spiritual retreat in his backyard, promising enlightenment and tax deductions for all who attend. The event will be BYOB—Bring Your Own Bible.

Are you tired of being a mere mortal among the corporate gods? Do you dream of swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-style money pool but find yourself paddling in a bowl of pennies? Fear not, my underpaid friend, for we have the secret sauce to catapult you from dining on ramen to feasting on caviar. Here are the top five absolutely sure fire ways to negotiate a better salary that are guaranteed to make you the talk of the water cooler—if not HR.

1. Choose Violence

it’s a time tested method to getting what you want, so go nuts. Tear the office to shreds, assault HR, take a dump on your bosses desk. If you can think you can overcome security, you’re surely on to a winner.

2. Blackmail

This ones a bit more sneaky, but obtain some sensitive material on the board, partners, or your boss (in the business we call it leverage). If you’d like to avoid violence, and stick more to clandestine practices this is the one for you. Illicit photos are the media of choice, but secret debt, weekend fetishes, and illegitimate children / secret families all work well.

3. Be Someone’s Son

Difficult to achieve, but if you are lucky enough to be the owner’s son, then you’re pretty much guaranteed a decent salary for doing sweet FA. Why not shoot for the stars and go for quarterly raises, a per diem, and a company Porsche while you’re at it? Side note: this method probably also allows you to take a dump on the bosses desk, or assault HR.

4. Suck Some D

I mean, this one is pretty self explanatory. It’s a dirty job, but you can’t argue with the results. It’s also the only one of these methods you can do without using your hands, and on your knees.

5. Actually Doing the Work

Keep your head down, and do the work. This is by far the longest and least likely to get you a raise. It’s not recommended, and we couldn’t find anyone actually willing to step forward to admit they have successfully negotiated a better salary employing this method.

In an office space not so far away, WeWork, the once-celebrated unicorn of shared workspaces, seems to have taken its mantra “Do What You Love” a tad too seriously, and what it apparently loved was a game of financial Jenga. The company, which once boasted a valuation that could make Silicon Valley blush, is now reportedly filing for bankruptcy, making it the poster child for “How to Unwork Your Company 101.”

Founded by Adam Neumann, a man whose ambition was as high as his buildings, WeWork aimed to revolutionize the way people worked together. With a vision that could have only been conjured up after a few too many free beers (which they generously offered), Neumann created a world where work was synonymous with luxury lounges and caffeine-fueled networking. It was the ‘We’ decade, where iPhones and iPods were out, and community tables and mood lighting were in.

Fast forward to 2021, and the company’s valuation was cut from a towering $47 billion to $9 billion. The company’s strategy of long-term leases and short-term memory didn’t quite pay off, leaving them with more empty desks than a ghost town’s schoolhouse.

The IPO that never was became the talk of the town, as WeWork’s financials were revealed to be as solid as a house of cards in a wind tunnel. Neumann, in a move that surprised no one but probably should have, was leasing his own properties to WeWork, blurring the lines between ‘We’ and ‘Me’ in a way that would make even the most narcissistic blush.

As the pandemic hit, WeWork’s response was to lay off employees and close offices with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for going out of business sales. The company’s attempt to float on the stock market finally came to fruition through a SPAC, because nothing says “trust us” like merging with a company that’s essentially a big bag of cash.

Now, with a stock price that’s seen more downs than ups, WeWork is teetering on the edge of being delisted faster than you can say “We’re broke.” The irony is thicker than the espresso at their once-buzzing coffee bars, as the rise of hybrid working — the very trend WeWork was poised to capitalize on — has become the background music to their downfall.

As the company now prepares to file for chapter 11 bankruptcy, the world watches on with a sense of disbelief. WeWork’s saga serves as a cautionary tale that sometimes, when you reach for the stars, you forget about the pesky gravity of real estate economics.

So, let’s pour one out for WeWork, preferably a free latte or craft beer from their once plentiful supply. Here’s to the ‘We’ decade that almost was, and to the hope that their next chapter includes a little more ‘Work’ and a little less ‘Crash.’

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