November, 2024 | Wall Street Memes

Dear Dairy,

Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president un-elect and pretty soon I won’t even be that anymore!

In a couple months Don-Don (worst frienemy ever) is going to take my job and so I’m not sure what I can do until then. Am I even allowed to make laws? Am I just supposed to keep the seat warm until he gets here?

I’ve been real stuck looking for things to do, Dairy. I went outside to play for a bit but that got boring real quick. I already tidied my room like Jill (biden) told me to. She said I don’t want to leave it messy for the next guy but what if I don’t even like the next guy!!!!!

Although, maybe it would be fun to play a few pranks… hmm… Maybe I could hide the nuclear codes or stack the Supreme Court or… Ok, how about this, I slip a little whoopie cushion under a chair here, a mattress there. Dumb Don won’t even know until… Trump! Haha. Now, that’s comedy.

Kamala’s not being any fun anymore either. If I was ever bored she’d come over and have a laugh but I don’t think she’s left her room since she lost the big competition that I wasn’t allowed to even enter because I’m too old which I don’t think is fair because I’m only a little bit too older than Don-Don. Sigh. Mega-big HUGE sigh.

What to do, Dairy, what to do… I could play on my new DS. Well, it’s an old DS I got it in a flea market but it still works and it’s really good and it came with Animal Crossing: Wild World already in it. I’ve almost saved up enough bells to get the tartan rug from Tom Nook.

Oh! That reminds me, I need to ask what furniture Don’s going to keep and what I can take with me. I think last time Melania threw it all out so I’m going to ask if I can keep the curtains because I think they’ll look really cute in my new… wait, where am I even going to live? Oh.

Oh, Dairy there’s just so much to think about but nothing to do! January 20th can’t come any sooner. Anyways, bye-bye for now!

Love, Joe (biden)

Following the election of Donald Trump, Elon Musk has declared, “My work here is done” and has shut down the social media website formerly known as Twitter, which now goes only by the unpronounceable symbol, ‘𝕏’.

Musk explained in a statement that when he bought the website two years ago for $44 billion he knew he was overpaying but saw a vision of the site as a platform to support the reelection of Donald Trump.

During the campaign, Elon appeared at Trump rallies, used his social media account to voice support for the ex-former president, and legally bribed voters to register in swing states (can we say that?).

Now that Elon Musk has achieved his goal and earned a cool $21 billion in the process, the website has been shut down, all X employees have been fired and the offices have been sold to Spirit Halloween.

The strategy almost makes sense but confusingly Elon has also stepped down from his role as CEO of SpaceX, Tesla, and another secret company suspected to be Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin. This would somehow imply that Musk also saw his role in these companies as part of some grand plan designed with the sole purpose of achieving Trump’s re-election. Huh.

Several meme accounts responded unfavorably to the news with one obscure meme account, Mr. @Arthurmeme01, writing, “NOOOOOOO” which of course no one read because X doesn’t work anymore.

Musk has not released a statement since announcing his retirement but was last seen boarding a Falcon Heavy rocket assumed to be destined for Mars where his hidden Martian colony is based. The colony, only recently revealed, was constructed in secret over the last decade by Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin.

It is unclear whether Musk will work in his promised role as head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) or if the 15-minute communication delay between the planets will make things too inefficient.

I guess we’ll all start using Threads now, then? Ugh. ok. OK! Fine. I’ll do it. Here I go… I’m making an account… I’m logging in… Oh, this is literally just the same thing. Ok, fine I guess I can use this. Alright… Byee!

Following the election results on Wednesday (Tuesday? What is time anymore?), political pundits have been spotted up and down the country staring, glassy-eyed at blank walls, kicking stray cans along the street, and sighing sadly.

“What do we talk about now the election is over?” bemoaned local news anchor, Stacey Ulituristos as she sat crocheting a map of Pennsylvania’s 4th congressional district. “I guess we go back to the regular news but is anyone really interested in anything other than politics? I’m not sure they are. When’s the next election? Maybe I’ll just hibernate until then.”

Some news stations have committed to a continued discussion of politics by analyzing how Kamala could have possibly lost or how it was always obvious that Trump would win but many are saying that political coverage is over and stations should simply move on.

MSNBC and FOX News have both opted to halt their broadcasts and display just static, whereas most other stations have switched back to regular non-political scheduling.

“I got a little excited when we wheeled the election forecast map into the studio again,” continued Ms. Ulituristos. “But it turns out it was just the weather forecast map. Ugh. But seriously, what other news is there? I literally can’t remember. I’m starting to wish we hadn’t euthanized our election expert, Dan. That was a dark day.”

But political scientist O.B. Oblese suggests that news-face-talkers can in fact discuss politics without anyone even noticing, “Poli-ticks all my boxes if you know what I mean,” said the distinctly unfunny Oblese, “but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is to discuss. Most people, boring normies, they want to talk about other things but I’ve got a trick so you can talk politics even when you’re not talking politics.”

“I’ve been telling news channels that now the election’s over you’re going to go back to covering things like foreign wars, and, if you really think about it… that’s politics. If you cover some crime that’s happened, that’s a politics. A musician wins an award. They have political views sooo that’s-a-politics!”

“It’s easy if you know how. I’ve put it into the form of a song and I’m touring newsrooms up and down the country to present my training seminar: ‘Overcoming Post-Election-Stress-Disorder: Talking Without Talking: The Politics of Politics (musical repertoire) by O.B. Oblese’. So far I’ve had no takers but wait for the politics withdrawal to really set in and they’ll come crawling back. Just like my [then current] wife.”

Fingers crossed O.B. will be able to get the word out and we can all get some of our precious, precious news again.

Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor.

Peanut’s owner and OnlyFans model, Mark ‘Squirrel Daddy’ Longo has retained possession of the body which will be embalmed and, after a funeral procession through Washington will lie in state in the Capitol’s rotunda for two weeks so the nation may pay its respects.

A squirrel ambassador was spotted visiting Vice President Harris prior to her concession speech, apparently in order to negotiate the appearance of the squirrel delegates at Peanut’s funeral.

Incumbent President Joseph Robinette Biden refused to comment saying, “Trump can’t do that you know, I’m still the president. He can’t just start having state funerals for anything he likes. I’m supposed to have the next one, not some rabid tree rat.”

Foreign dignitaries from around the world are expected to attend including the ambassador to Nigeria (that’s a really good get).

In New York it is illegal to keep wild animals as pets however Longo sought to classify Peanut as an educational creature because, I guess, he promotes pornography and that’s educational? After a dramatic raid of Longo’s property, Peanut was seized and euthanized in order to test for rabies, like how my half-brother Guiseppe died when he had a blood test but that was more of an accident because they forgot to turn the valve off or something and they sucked all the blood out of him like a raisin. RIP G.

Peanut then became a martyr for supporters of Donald Trump because… wait I don’t get it, what’s the connection? Hold on, I’ll look it up… Ok, so it’s about government oversight, Trump supporters don’t agree with the government coming for illegally held individuals like migrants or… wait no, that’s not right.

Ok, well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Point is, now everyone’s all about this dead squirrel which is normal and now they’re going to have a big ol’ funeral with an iddy-biddy coffin it’s gonna be adorable and maybe we’ll finally get to see Trump cry.

There was another animal that was also euthanized after the seizure, a raccoon named Fred. Fred however will not receive the same funeral as he was thrown into a pit off the interstate.

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”

Tweeting from his Truth Social X account Trump wrote, “I WON and by MUCH MORE THAN THE FAKE NEWS is saying I did. WE WON EVERYWHERE!!!! STOP THE STEAL!!!!!!!”

Although advisors close to the president-elect have urged him to “take the w” and accept the sweeping republican landslide, reportedly Trump has refused, claiming the election was rigged in his favor but not in his favor enough.

“Yeah, he’s not going to let this one go,” said Preston Mobisher, senior advisor to the Trump campaign. “He really, really wanted to win Dixville Notch, New Hampshire. He was pissed when that came in as a tie and don’t think he’s going to accept the election until he gets it.”

Mobisher says Trump plans to refuse the invitation to his own inauguration and was last seen deleting congratulatory DMs from world leaders before heading to bed.

“If he… um, if he doesn’t want it, can I have it?” asked Vice President Harris in response to Trump’s refusal. “That’s how it works right? Because I’ll take it, I’ll settle for sloppy seconds, I’m not proud! *laughs maniacally*”

Weighing in on the controversy, current (yes) President Joe Biden commented, “Please Don, just take the job, I’m gonna be 82 this month. Just let me quit. Please.”

Some states have already rushed to fulfill the presidentially mandated request. One Nevada counting center was reportedly seen shaking up its giant, novelty-sized abacus to start counting all over again.

Many Americans stayed up late to find out the election results and now hope the recount won’t take too long as one voter put it, “I would very much like to sleep now please.” News hosts expressed a similar sentiment after Wolf Blitzer passed out live on air, bringing the virtual results map crashing down with him and accidentally calling the election for Al Gore in the process.

Whether counters will be able to find Trump’s missing 100% of the vote remains to be seen but one thing is for certain this may indeed turn out to be one of the most consequential, eventful, important, significant, and historicious elections of the past couple of weeks.

Back to you in the studio, Rolfe.

Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in shit?

There’s only one way to find out: stay up all night watching numbers go up very slowly. Maybe, if you’ve been extra good this year, you’ll get to see footage of rooms of people counting bits of paper. It’s like if math was a sport or the DMV had live television coverage.

So, why not get into the festive spirit and play along at home? Here are some easy steps for recreating the perfect election night right here in your living room (yes, I am hidden somewhere in your living room).

First, gather all of your friends and family into your house and have them stand in disordered lines for hours. Feel free to spice things up with a little pushing and shoving depending on what hats people are wearing. Next, cut up 150 million pieces of paper into little strips, set yourself down at the table, and count every single one of them one by one. Once you’ve counted them all, congratulations you’ve found the winner! But oopsy, the loser doesn’t like the results and demands a recount so start all over again!

To add extra realism, allocate a friend or stranger to stand in the corner shouting their guesses about how many bits of paper you might count and how you will count it. 5,672? 7.8 billion? 4? Maybe you’ll count the ones on that side of the room first and the ones on the other side later, that’s what you did last year, that will be fun, you should do that.

It’s just a bit of fun, but also don’t forget that the entire future of everything is at stake. One simple way to recreate that election night fever and ensure everyone is on edge throughout the night is to serve only espresso but spike one with a slow-acting poison. Don’t tell your guests who has been poisoned but do tell them that the number of the correct vote count is also the code to the safe containing the antidote. So get counting guys!

If done correctly your guests will leave with the perfect blend of exhaustion, boredom, and fear, regardless of who won. Who wouldn’t be excited to do this all over again in four years’ time?

Merry Electionmas everybody!

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail [Kamala/Trump] has officially become the first President to also be a [woman/convicted felon].

A President with these credentials will surely bring about the destruction of America as we know it. In the next few weeks expect to see riots, skyrocketing inflation, and even the beginning of World War III all thanks to [Kamala/Trump].

Despotic dictators around the world have already phoned in to announce how pleased they are with the electorate’s destabilizing choice. Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated [Kamala/Trump] on [her/his] victory saying, “Everything is proceeding as planned. Our loyal puppet will now bring about the New Russian Order! Huzzah!”

The defeated candidate returned to their home in [idk the White House??/Florida] and has already [accepted/challenged] the results. [Republican/Democratic] protests broke out across the country but [Kamala/Trump] clamped down on their political opponents in what is being dubbed by many as the end of free speech.

The economy has already spiraled out of control with the price of gas at much higher than an all-time high and the value of the dollar at much lower than an all-time low. The price of eggs is now the price of ham and the price of ham is now the price of most clothes-still-on sexual favors.

COVID. Remember that? Yeah, that’s back too, and all because they [followed/didn’t follow] the science. People are now dying and coughing at the same time again and it’s all [Kamala/Trump]’s fault.

[PICK ONE: Kamala has immediately fulfilled her campaign promise of “We’re not going back” by unleashing a totally new, hitherto unimagined hell upon this country. OR: Trump has immediately fulfilled his campaign promise of “Make America great again” by making America as great as it was during the Great Depression.]

Newly elected Vice President, [Tim Walz/JD Vance] has yet to be seen doing much of anything.

[TEMPLATE. DO NOT FORGET TO CHANGE ON WEDNESDAY DON’T DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME WHEN YOU PUBLISHED THE UNEDITED VERSION AND GOT YOURSELF IN A RIGHT-OLD TIZ YOU SILLY GOOSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT ALRIGHT, DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE HERE YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR READERS TO GET OUT FACTUAL INFORMATION AND …you’ve already hit publish, haven’t you?]

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been ramping up their appearances and political rhetoric but there’s one man who’s looking forward to ramping down.

Local man, Tony Fallose has been following both election campaigns closely ever since they began back in a few weeks ago.

“I don’t even like politics, I just feel like I have to and it’s there, I guess,” explained Fallose in an unverified statement. “But then the more you read the more you start to form an opinion, then you get invested and before you know it it’s the only thing you can think, talk, or dream about. It’s like a baseball game that you can’t help but look at because you paid tickets to go see it.”

Tony works a regular job, just like you or me, he has a pet turtle called Oblong, just like me or you, and takes his daily COVID vaccine, just like you or I. But unlike I or you, Tony Fallose is looking forward to when the politics is over and he can return to his true passion: thinking about birds.

“I’m just sick of it, you know? Every day there’s politics. Every day! It’s exhausting. The name-calling, the war, the other war, the economics, the pretending to be interested in my taxes. No one likes economics, are you kidding me? I can’t wait for it to be over then I can just sit here and think about birds.”

“Falcon. Partridge. Rhinoceros hornbill. Now those are things people like. I don’t care about other people, what, you think I want to think about illegal immigrants or Kentucky coal miners or Tim Walz? No. I want to think about how the Florida Grasshopper Sparrow tends to have darker plumage and a larger bill than the Grasshopper Sparrow.”

Mr. Fallose will likely achieve his goal of thinking about birds come November 5th however he seemed unaware that the politics would in fact continue after the election.

“You’re kidding me, right? Then what the hell am I voting to end? Next thing you’re going to tell me that they’ll do this again in four years’ time… wait, THEY WHAT?!”

24-year-old, Dilgen Belsif is a retired influencer from Erm, Pennsylvania. She’s been following the election cycle avidly but now that it’s nearly time to cast her vote, she’s cautious. “Neither of them really speaks directly to me and my face, you know? So I think I’ll vote for both.”

Dilgen is part of a growing trend of boomer and Gen-Z voters who are apathetic and disillusioned with the system so plan on voting for both the Democratic and Republican candidates come November 5th.

“Neither of them really get my vote, you see,” explains Dilgen, hyperventilating between words. “But this way I don’t feel the guilt of not voting either.”

Meanwhile, in rural Austin, Texas, 48-year-old Carton Carsowell expresses similar disinterest. “Didn’t we already have an election just four years ago? What so we’re going to do this every four years forever? They must have found someone good by now.”

Whilst Carton has been a lifelong Republican, he now says that he too will be voting for both candidates. “You know, like how the French do it?” he says. “I just couldn’t bring myself to help elect a guy who called my man Mike Pence a wimp once. Of course, I’m still voting Trump but if I vote for Kamala as well, then my vote cancels out, so it’s all good.”

Unfortunately for Carton and many other voters, the American system is not “like how the French do it,” and voting for both constitutes a spoiled ballot. A vote for both candidates would cause the vote to be thrown out and so neither vote would be counted… which would effectively cancel out both votes… Huh.

Widower Jeannly Tipplers, 68, represents another reason to vote for both candidates. As Jeannly puts it, “I just think they’re both swell. I couldn’t possibly pick one. They are all so adorable.”

Jeannly is a “double lover” as they’re known and represents a surprisingly large, 0.4% of the electorate. She believes that both have done, “an equally swell job in the past and they both deserve a second chance. I just feel that they could work real well together and maybe, just maybe, my vote for both will encourage them to team up instead.”

Friends of Jeannly have made plans to prevent her from voting come election day and have hidden her car keys ahead of time. “If Jeannly’s the reason Jill Stein wins again I’ll break her legs. I’m not even kidding,” said one neighbor.

Whatever the outcome of this election, one thing is certain, it has indeed been an election.

In a stunning move of 3-dimensional-geopolitical chess, Russia has successfully sued Google for 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles ($20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) allowing Putin to buy the entire planet with change to spare.

The original lawsuit was filed in retaliation to Google refusing to pay fines for blocking 17 pro-Russian YouTube channels. Russia claimed $20 billion trillion trillion in fines, a number that would double every day if not paid within nine months (I swear, though I’m not making this bit up). For reference, Google is worth $2 trillion, the GDP of the ENTIRE PLANET is $110 trillion.

Thankfully Google understood the unbreakable bond of the rule of law and agreed to pay the fine. After an agreement with the United Nations to use every country as collateral, Google has agreed that Russia now owns everything everywhere for all of time. And, as an added bonus, Google also unbanned all of Russia’s precious YouTube videos.

In one step Vladimir Putin has cured his three major headaches: the Ukraine war, foreign sanctions, and access to PewDiePie.

Putin announced the successful payout in a YouTube collab with Mr. Beast. In the video, a grinning Mr. Jimmy ‘Beast’ Donaldson narrates as he and Putin walk into the United Nations to deposit a novelty-sized check to purchase the earth. The rest of the video involves Mr. Beast and the Russian President traveling to various global landmarks to perform stunts such as go-karting around the Taj Mahal, bobsledding down the pyramids, and painting Buckingham Palace neon pink all whilst proclaiming, “You can’t stop us, we own this!”

The video now has over 7 billion views as it is mandatory viewing for all citizens of the New Soviet Union.

Google declined a request to comment on their selling out of all of humanity.

Some experts have suggested the laughably high number may have originated from a miscommunication by Russian lawmakers mistaking the tech company ‘Google’ for the very large number ‘googol’. Others suggest the idea may come from the film character ‘Dr. Evil’ who is an evil doctor and not a qualified financial advisor.

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