Month: November 2024

Following a trip to the Amazon ahead of Brazil’s G20 summit, President-still Joe Biden has announced his intentions to remain in the rainforest indefinitely and, “Wait for this whole thing to blow over.”

This weekend Biden became the first sitting president to visit the rainforest and the first to take up permanent residence among the trees. After a speech addressing reporters in the jungle, Biden turned from the podium and walked away into the undergrowth, never to be seen again.

Although days have now passed since Biden’s last sighting, one unverified witness reportedly saw Biden with an entomologist, claiming, “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.”

Government staffers however have assured the press that the President will continue his duties from the forest and there will be no noticeable decrease in his work output. All facilities required for governance have been moved to a mobile governing unit dubbed, ‘The White House Treehouse’.

Biden’s new home away from home will have everything the regular White House has including monkeys, coconuts, and bamboo plumbing. The only difference is this seat of power will be suspended 40 feet above the ground and require a rope bridge to access.

“Yeah, he’s now 100% WFH: ‘work from hAmazon-rainforest,” said one staffer in charge of the move. “It’s fine, most of the job is done remotely now anyways. Drone strikes. Kissing babies. Declaring insurrections… The only thing we have to worry about is if the internet connection goes out or if he decides to take a nap right when Russia invades. But that was always a problem so nothing’s new.”

President Biden’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden, has refused to make the transition.

Although Biden has said he will remain in the Amazon rainforest only until his term expires, experts say he could live in the trees throughout the Trump Presidency.

“Let’s imagine he camps out there temporarily, to begin with,” explained political commentator, George George. “But after a while, he ventures further and further from his home for food. Eventually, he stumbles across the rumored ‘Agazo Fruit’ hanging from a velvet-yellow tree. He takes a bite. He’s reinvigorated, feels decades younger. Little does he know but he’s stumbled across the magical, youth-giving nectar of legend. Well, in that case, I reckon he could live out there forever.”

As to Biden’s whole reason for going to the Amazon in the first place, conservation and climate change, well, who really cares anyway?

Follow for more Biden updates.

“Dig the pit!” was a rallying cry for many Trump supporters during the election and will now become a reality after the president-to-be unveiled a new policy in a recent video: replace the entire US-Mexico border with a 2,000-mile long, 300-foot deep trench.

The “Anti-Wall”, the “Mexico-Moat” or simply, the “Trench”, will be paid for entirely by Mexico (for real this time) and the soil dug up to make the structure will be transported to the northern border with Canada to create a Game Of Thrones-style earth wall.

“It’ll be like the wall, but better,” explained Trump. “Like the wall but upside down, a beautiful thing, it’ll be so deep you can’t even see. I said aren’t you worried about the lava? Won’t you hit the lava? And they said no Mr. President it will be deep, deepest you’ve ever seen but the lava’s much deeper than that and I said couldn’t we maybe have some lava, just a little lava at the bottom maybe as well? And they said they would have to see, but I think we will have the lava. If you want to come into America you’ve got to win the floor is lava. That’s the new rule.”

The “Border Hole” is due to break ground on the day of Trump’s inauguration and will take an estimated 647 years to complete at the cost of $1500 per taxpayer. Despite the high cost, Republican lawmakers have insisted the project will be a net gain for the country.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said border expert and illegal immigrant, Jesus Bots. “A pit isn’t something you can just climb over, unlike a wall. You can’t use ladders or anything… oh, wait, maybe if you laid down a really long ladder, I didn’t think of that.”

Other non-experts have pointed out that the border already has large trenches as part of the current barrier, not to mention the Rio Grande which is technically a large trench, to which Mr. Bots interrupted, “Yes, but shhh-shh-sh.”

Some fear that the “Grander Canyon” will soon fill with the dead souls of the unfortunate immigrants who become caught inside and those spirits will de-evolve the natural wildlife into warped monstrosities that will seek to escape the pit and wreak revenge on all the Americans who allowed this to happen.

The Trump team has yet to comment on this possibility.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to end his retirement prematurely following Donald Trump’s selection of Mark Gaetz for attorney general.

Nicholson has been playing the part of Gaetz for years but only ever saw the role as a side hobby according to Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” explains Bowls. “But now that this character will be attorney general, Jack’s pissed, he’s going to have to go back to acting full time.”

Nicholson’s performance as the congressman has earned near-universal acclaim, winning a Lifetime Achievement Oscar and a Kid’s Choice award for “Favorite Pretend Politician” narrowly beating out Meryl Streep as Nancy Pelosi.

“I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Many still dispute the claim that Gaetz is Jack Nicholson with multiple ‘friends’ and ‘family members’ coming out to say, “No he just looks like that.” …but they’re probably actors too.

Ok, so maybe Gaetz just has an odd face and well, then we shouldn’t make fun of people for how they look, they can’t control it. Unless they can… Unless Gaetz’s crazy eyebrows aren’t the result of genetics or method actor Jack Nicholson in disguise but are because of some botched botox. And if Gaetz himself has repeatedly made fun of other people for their appearance then maybe… maybe he’s fair game?

No, it’s still not ok to make fun of people for their appearance, instead we should make fun of other things like the sex trafficking allegations which Gaetz has handly avoided by resigning from Congress to head up the organization that is investigating him. A move that is now known as ‘the Trump’.

Jack Nicholson has denied all allegations.

President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January.

Hogan, whose real name is embarrassingly Terry Gene Bollea, will serve in the new role focused on domestic, foreign and wrestling policy.

Donning swimming goggles, a red bandana, and a red suit with the sleeves cut off, the 71-year-old addressed a crowd of reporters to accept the appointment. “I’m BACK, Hulkamaniacs! America is gonna get great again, BROTHER!!! …I hereby formally accept this governmental appointment and do solemnly vow to uphold its values… err… brother.”

“January 20th. That’s the day we’re gonna smackdown on the economy. Smackdown on terrorism. Smackdown on those stickin’ illegal border crossings. Smackdown on a diplomatic solution to the Israel-Palestine war. And we’re gonna SMACK… DOWN on abortion rights! Brrrrrotha!!!!!”

How the Hulk Machine will achieve these goals remains unclear as details are slim about the precise responsibilities of the Secretary of Whoopin’ Ass. Political experts have suggested the position would involve “asses” and that said asses would then be “whooped”, hopefully figurately.

Hollywood Hogan concluded the ceremony by leaping from the stage into the crowd of reporters, bodyslamming FOX News political correspondent, Michael Pedri to the floor and knocking Hogan himself unconscious.

Mr. Hogan’s appointment comes after a string of similar team announcements from the president-in-waiting. Tom Hogan (no relation)… wait, sorry, Tom Homan, with an ‘m’, and Elise Stefanik were most recently added to the team. Neither are wrestlers.

Still waiting to be picked for the team like kids lined up in the playground are desperate-to-go-viral billionaire Elon Musk and desperate-to-no-longer-be-viral politician Robert F Kennedy Jr. Neither are wrestlers.

Trump’s picks are hard on the border, hard on foreign policy but soft if left unrefrigerated. The appointments are scheduled to expire within the first few months of the administration just in time for the traditional “changing of the guard”, a staple of Trump’s government.

In other wrestlo-politicale news, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has officially endorsed the Harris campaign commenting, “I’m not too late, am I?”