Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions.

China’s chip is a modified version of Nvidia’s existing Blackwell RTX Pro 6000 processor, like how my bicycle is a modified version of a Lamborghini. The chip won’t have advanced features like high-bandwidth memory, NVLink interconnects, and a free carrying case.

All of this is an effort to prevent China from once again harnessing the power of American tech, like when they stapled two Nvidia chips to an iPad last year to make DeepSeek, which blew everyone out of the water. Remember that?

America’s version of the chip, on the other hand, dubbed the Freedom Eagle Chip, will be the most powerful chip the world has ever seen, featuring a stars and stripes vinyl wrap and the sounds of an eagle’s kaw-KAW every time you run a process.

Take that, you commies.

Despite this, Huang’s meeting in Beijing plans to reaffirm Nvidia’s commitment to China and China’s commitment to Nvidia, who are both in too deep to turn back now. And hey, if Huang slips a couple of chips out of his long trench coat on the way, who’s watching? Trump, hahaha, lol, no, his eyesight isn’t that good. He can’t see all the way to China. What are you talking about?

Nvidia is like the biggest company in the world or something, becoming the first company to hit a $4 trillion market cap on Wednesday. But the corp’s stock is still at the whim of the ever-swaying tides of tariffs, so who’s to say how things will shake down?

Not me, that’s for sure.

For more lacklustre tech predictions and predicaments, read this one: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there.

An iddy-biddy beautiful part of the big beautiful bill is an addendum saying that deductions from gambling winnings would be limited to 90% of losses, if the bill passes.

Now, what this means is that, let’s say I earn $100, I’d get taxed on those winnings. That’s income, so that’s taxed. Fine. Now, let’s say I also lost $100, with my $100 winnings, now I’ve made nothing. No income, no tax right? WRONG! With this law you could only reduce $90 from your taxes. You’ve earned nothing because you suck at gambling and now, just to kick you in the balls when you’re down, you have to pay $10 to the government.

Now if you didn’t follow that, you’re probably confused because, yeah, it’s confusing. But if you did follow that, you’re also probably confused because, yeah, it makes no sense. Why you got to tax me on the sweet load of nothing I’m making? That’s what VAT is for!

Professional gamblers are up in arms as this law would make it much harder for them to earn a living. Should it pass, full-time players might even be driven out of US casinos and turn to unregulated, dirty, foreign casinos to make that dollar. This will likely lead to only more malleable, casual players at casinos, meaning that, once again, the house always wins.

Who knows if the whole bill will even pass, and if it does, whether this little paperclipped bit will have made it through. But either way, it looks like the only one GAMBLING here is Trump… with our VOTES that is! Hahaha, see what I did there?

For more gambling news, check out: Top 5 Degen Bets This Week

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here’s a car battery that’s MEANT to explode… financially speaking.

CATL, China’s Contemporary Amperes Technology Co. Limited (so it should really be CCATCL) just went public and received a massive jumpstart, again, not good for a battery.

CATL does not make CATL-itic converters (that’s a car joke), no they make more than a third of all EV batteries supplying Tesla, Volkswagen, Toyota and maybe even the Chinese military. Out of those, we obviously had to put Tesla in the headline because we are being secretly paid by Elon to promote his brand.

They raised $4.55bn from the listing which is crazy. Like, there’s no joke here, can you imagine that kind of money? That’s small country GDP kind of money. Imagine getting all the money in a DAY?? Whoah. I don’t even know.

Despite their global presence, China is 70% of CATL’s total revenue which just goes to show how massive the Chinese EV market is. So maybe think about that, Elon. (Yes, he reads this site.)

Because of this, CATL is likely not too bothered by ‘Trump’s Terrific Tariffs’, as 2025’s biggest IPO just goes to show.

Now you might not have heard of CATL (not the cow) before so, just for fun, here are some CATL facts:

FACT! CATL employs 100,000 people (which, if you ask Elon, is too many)!
FACT! CATL has 13 production plants worldwide! All arranged in a pentagram with Beijing at the center.
FACT! CATL was founded in 2011!
FACT! 2011 was 14 years ago!
FACT! 2011 is closer to the year 2000 than it is to now!
FACT! You are old!
FACT! CATL is an anagram of ‘clat’!

Well, would you look at that, you learn something new everyday. Now you can go out there and impress your friends. Have fun, son!

Lots of love,

Dad.

For more words to beam directly into your brain, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Welcome back to Wall Street Memes, your only source for news, memes, and streets named after walls (West Wall Street, Midland, Texas, anyone?).

But we’re also the home of top bets, tips, stakes, and bets, so read on below for our round-up of the top 5 degen bets this week! This is not financial advice!

5. Stonks

Now this is where Wall Street comes to play. The Stonk Market has been more volatile than ever, jumping up and down every time Trump sneezes. Who’s to say if it’s going to go up or down or a secret third direction, but for the right players, there’s some big gains to be made.

4. Soccer

Not just a European sport now, soccer is even played in places as far as Spain and even France now. There are games every weekend if you know where to look. Who’s to say if the teams will win or lose or a secret third option that I’m told is called a draw? Wtf, wtf is that? Ok, well, you can bet on that if you want, you maniac.

3. Horse

There is horse. Horse is for bet. Bet on horse. Horse bet. Money to horse. If horse win. More money. If horse lose. Horse keep money. Bet more on horse. Horse bet on you betting more. Horse race. Horse race each other. You race horse. You. Money. Horse. Race. Horse. Understood?

2. Jai Alai

Look, I don’t know about you, but I never heard of this sport until 30 seconds ago. It’s like squash or tennis, but all the players have these giant mutated hands so they can throw balls harder and not much else. The J is pronounced like an H, so you know it’s exotic, but it’s also not there’s loads of games happening all the time right here in Florida, and you’re supposed to bet on it so maybe look into that.

1. Yourself

Look, if you’re looking for a solid bet, look no further than the mirror. You should take them gains and put them all on you, son. If there’s ever been a sure bet, it’s my guy right here. The best odds, the only odds you can control, that’s all you. Believe in yourself, you goddamn angel. Bet on you.

And that’s it! Be sure to follow along for more tips and tricks in the coming minutes. Happy good luck!

Just yesterday Donald Trump said he would not be removing ‘Jerome’ ‘Jay’ ‘Powell’ from his position as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Today, however, the president-of-Christmas-future announced that he would in fact be replacing Jay with someone who’s, “A very smart girl, a lot of business sense. She’s pretty but she’s also got a good head on her. Brains too. Tremendous numbers. And she knows those numbers and she’s going to help us run the economy of this country. Here she is, Hawk…? Hawk Tuah? …what kind of a name is that?”

Hawk Tuah Girl, also known as ‘Haliey Welch’ is an internet ‘personality’ who went viral, like, years ago for humorously simulating a sex act that is too explicit to name here. Now she’s ahead of the rest as she’ll likely head up the Fed as the Fed’s head head.

(And just as an aside, I’m not making this up but the Wikipedia page for Hawk Tuah begins with an explanation of the Ancient Greek word for spit. “Onomatopoeia for spitting sounds have been attested since time immemorial,” who writes this stuff?)

The news comes after Hawk has been accused of running a pump-and-dump crypto scam with her memecoin, HAWK, which has dropped a massive 91% since its first release. Billions have now lost their life savings and Tuah is facing multiple disgruntled looks from fans and distant cousins alike.

“She’s someone you want running your economy. They’re calling her a scam but if she got money that’s not a scam that makes her smart. The people in my government are going to be people who make money, not lose money. I don’t need losers. And Hawk-Girl is not a loser. She’s a winner.”

Hawk Tuah runs a podcast cleverly titled Talk Tuah and a dating advice app not-so-cleverly called Pookie Tools. I don’t get that last one, is that a pun or what? She’s not had Trump on the podcast but she was once asked if she would hawk-tuah Donald Trump, which is a normal thing to ask a person, and she said, “It’s a no from me.”

We are barely weeks away from the end of 2024 and God shalt not let mine soul rest. There’s always time for a topical crossover. We have to squeeze every last drop of 2024 memes out of this year. In the split seconds before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve we’ll all be writhing on the floor chanting Hawk Tuah crypto Donald Trump Jake Paul memecoin until our lungs give out. It’s called synergy and it’s what we do now.

Riding his momentous victory against the 58-year-old former heavyweight champion, YouTuber Jake Paul has scheduled his next match against ‘Zeke Peterson’, a local 9-year-old who likes dinosaurs.

Zeke, who has no known boxing experience is said to be excited for the match, commenting, “I’m scared.”

Jake Paul made similar fighting comments saying, “I’m gonna rip off that little punk’s head, drink his blood then throw his body down at the feet of his weeping mothing! YOU’RE NOTHING, LITTLE BOY! NOTHING!”

Zeke will be trained ahead of the match by his best friend Noah who was expelled from his last school for ‘biting’. “Zeke’s a tough kid,” said Noah with the mannerisms of a 40-year-old. “Sweet, but tough. He’s got the advantage ‘cos he’s small and scrawny so I’m gonna teach him to be fast, outrun this Paul fella. The guy’s what, 27? Practically an old man, we got this in the bag. The pensioner’s goin’ down.”

“But yeah,” added Noah in a whisper. “We do have a will prepared, just in case.”

Jake Paul (who has a beard) was once a maker of fine video content for the inter-connected computational devices (YouTuber). These videos would consist of tricks, jokes, shocking moments, sketches, video game playing, beating up old men, beating up young men, pulling faces, and wearing surprising clothes. It was seen as inevitable then that Paul would seek to recreate his virtual virality in the real world with shocking acts of violence.

Paul’s match against Mike Tyson however was dull, despite drawing in 60 million viewers to watch the spectacle. Rather than showing the match in real time, first-time sportscaster Netflix opted to display still images of the fight in a slideshow format. Then, once the fight was reaching its climax the streaming service switched to text-based coverage broadcasting the cryptic title screen “Netflix has encountered an error. Retrying in 1 second. Code: tvq-rnd-101” which presumably translates to ‘Jake Paul is winning’.

The final scores were 80-72, 79-73 and 79-73 which means something, I think. Idk, Jake Paul won and boxing lost, that’s the headline, kids.

Tyson was paid $20 million in a match that will forever tarnish his legacy as the two-time heavyweight champion of the world and a convicted rapist. Paul on the other hand walks away with $40 million and a bright future in punching.

The Peterson v Paul showdown will stream everywhere, New Year’s Day, exclusively on Quibi.

Alright, I’m going to break this down real simple so even a billionaire can understand.

It’s summer and your mom has given you $6.75 trillion to start a lemonade stand. Now you’re a savvy business boy and think that’s far too much to spend on a lemonade stand. What you’ve got to buy lemons, some sugar, how much could that possibly cost? No, you can definitely do it for like, $4 trillion and save yourself 30%.

But here’s the problem. Your mom lent you the money and she wants a return on her investment, you know, for her retirement. She needs back $1.46 trillion and that’s non-negotiable so you can’t use that.

Oh, and she also needs $0.8 trillion back to cover the interest on her loan. You know, in line with inflation. Your mom’s always been savvy like that.

Fine, well what about your overheads? Well, you get to the store and turns out lemons are $0.9 trillion dollars now, sugar is $0.8tr and the trident missiles in case terrorists attack your lemonade stand, that’s another $0.8tr. And you need all those things.

Well, what else? Maybe you don’t need a stool to sit on, maybe you can stand up. And maybe you don’t need a table. And maybe you don’t need jugs and cups to serve the lemonade in, you can just leave it in a puddle on the floor and customers can just suck it straight out of the pavement.

Ok, so let’s not spend money on all those things that you need and…

Congratulations, you did it! You’ve saved $2tr by literally cutting everything you could until you have nothing left!

But then you think for a moment, sitting there in your lemonade puddle… wait a minute, my mom wouldn’t trust me with 6.75 trillion dollars let alone a lemonade stand. I asked her to buy me the lemons and a stand and print flyers and she said she really appreciated my advice but didn’t do anything I suggested.

And wait another minute, maybe there never was a lemonade stand maybe this was all pretend.

And wait a final minute, I’m a 53-year-old man!

Oh, well, that was all just a bit of fun anyway. At least people are now talking about you and at least you’re still rich, richer even. And at least, God preserve us, at least, “The merch will be 🔥🔥🔥”

Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell reveals SHOCKING new look, cutting his luscious locks by a MASSIVE 0.5%, the biggest trim he’s gone for in four years.

Taking the stage to showcase his new bob, Powell initially wore a brown paper bag over his head to build suspense. The audience waited with bated breath before Powell threw off the bag to reveal his dramatic transformation. Gasps could be heard from the initially surprised crowd but after a cheeky spin and a sassy pout, the press were won over to Powell’s fresh do.

“Today my barber and I decided to reduce the degree of scissor restraint by lowering my hair-growth-coverage by a half percentage point,” the chairman explained at the conference and on IG Reels with a light makeup filter, “This decision reflects my growing confidence in my appearance and that with an appropriate haircut, strength in social situations can be maintained and hair growth will move sustainably down to two percent.”

The Fed’s new cut is a great look and is predicted to be a real trendsetter for the Autumn with the European Central Bank, the Bank of England and Jessica Biel already flaunting similar stylish cuts.

Fashionistas are already lining up to praise Powell’s sleek getup. “It was innovative,” commented Peter Hooper, vice-chair of research at Deutsche Bank. “Getting closer to neutral is probably the right place to be,” added Tiffany Wilding a Pimco economist.

The move also comes as a relief to many citizens who have been contending with Powell’s longest hair in two decades and were beginning to miss his pretty baby blues.

“I think it really suits him,” said local Jamba Juice frequenter, Janet Egglegomortian, “He looks more his age now I think. He’s an old guy, what is he, pushing 40? Yeah, you don’t want to look like some floppy-haired freak at that age, kids will get scared. Mmm-hmm, yeah, short back and sides is more my kind of man. I definitely would.”

Powell’s barber declined a request to comment on the situation.

Tesla’s latest Full Self-Driving (FSD) update, FSD12, promises to mirror human driving behaviors so closely, we might as well throw road rules out the window. Scheduled for release in a mere two weeks, this update shifts from traditional code-heavy development to an approach more reminiscent of a teenager learning to drive by watching YouTube.

The Learning Curve: A Steep Drop into Chaos

FSD12’s groundbreaking learning algorithm is set to absorb millions of videos from Tesla drivers worldwide. While this might sound innovative, it’s essentially preparing to learn all the bad habits that make human drivers a menace on the roads. Blinker usage? A thing of the past. Staying in one’s lane? Optional, especially if there’s an urgent text or a fascinating billboard. Speed limits? More like speed suggestions.

Live Demo: A Wild Ride with Musk

https://t.co/VzTxpktH1q
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) August 26, 2023

Elon Musk, in his typical showman fashion, debuted the FSD12 update in a livestream that turned into a heart-stopping rollercoaster. Viewers watched with a mix of horror and amusement as Musk narrowly prevented the Tesla from running a red light and making an impromptu pit stop at Chipotle – because who doesn’t crave a burrito while testing groundbreaking AI?

The Future of Driving: A Nightmare?

As we brace for the arrival of FSD12, one can’t help but wonder if Tesla’s vision of the future includes a world where cars honk obscenities, casually speed, and treat driving guidelines as mere suggestions. In this new era, the term “autopilot” might just become synonymous with “your guess is as good as mine.”

it’s clear that Tesla is not just revolutionizing transportation; it’s also inadvertently championing a return to the wild, wild west of driving. Seatbelts fastened, everyone – it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

In what financial analysts are calling a “diabolically innovative” move, Jack Jacobson of Tallahassee, Florida, has refinanced his home under terms that have raised more than a few eyebrows and ethical questions. In an effort to escape a 7% mortgage that felt more like a straitjacket, Jacobson has signed off on a deal that includes his immortal soul and his firstborn child as collateral.

Jacobson, who had hoped to ride the green wave of avocado farming, was keen on tapping into the millennial market’s obsession with avocado toast. However, the high-interest rates presented an insurmountable barrier, leading him to consider more ‘soulful’ financing options. “I mean, when the bank tells you your interest rates are going up, that’s one thing,” Jacobson said, “but when the guy downstairs offers a fixed rate for just a soul and a potential offspring? You start to weigh your options.”

Lucifer, who seemingly moonlights as a financial advisor, shared his take on the deal, “In the grand scheme of things, your soul and firstborn is actually, genuinely a better deal than you’ll get at many mortgage brokers right now. I don’t want to say it’s a steal, but… well.” The underworld CEO added with a fiendish grin, “Business is booming.”

This infernal refinancing scheme has apparently found traction beyond the Sunshine State. Lucifer disclosed a growing list of clients trading in spiritual and virgin assets to keep up with earthly payments. A Denver man reportedly traded his right eye, reminiscent of biblical times, to square away a car loan. Meanwhile, a family in Nevada signed away their daughter’s virginity for a Mediterranean-inspired pool renovation, complete with a grotto.

Back in Florida, Jacobson is reportedly scouring through dating apps, maternity wards, and even considering a mail-in application to ‘The Bachelor’ in a bid to meet the renegotiated terms of his mortgage. Friends of Jacobson have voiced concern, noting that he’s been brushing up on his nursery rhymes and baby-proofing his house, despite there being no baby on the immediate horizon.

Community response has been mixed. Some locals are calling it an innovative solution to a systemic problem, while others are dusting off their pitchforks and calling for a good, old-fashioned boycott of the underworld.

As the deadline for delivery approaches, Jacobson remains optimistic. “Look, I’ve always been a problem-solver,” he said, adjusting a new set of baby gates. “And I’m sure there’s a loophole here somewhere. Worst case scenario, I’ll start a GoFundMe for a soul buyback or a stork rental.”

In an age where the term ‘selling out’ has lost much of its sting, Jacobson’s case might just redefine it, setting a new standard—or underworld low—for the lengths one will go to for financial solvency and a slice of the avocado economy.

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