Tesla FSD12 to Mimic Human Drivers: Why We’re Doomed

Tesla’s latest Full Self-Driving (FSD) update, FSD12, promises to mirror human driving behaviors so closely, we might as well throw road rules out the window. Scheduled for release in a mere two weeks, this update shifts from traditional code-heavy development to an approach more reminiscent of a teenager learning to drive by watching YouTube.

The Learning Curve: A Steep Drop into Chaos

FSD12’s groundbreaking learning algorithm is set to absorb millions of videos from Tesla drivers worldwide. While this might sound innovative, it’s essentially preparing to learn all the bad habits that make human drivers a menace on the roads. Blinker usage? A thing of the past. Staying in one’s lane? Optional, especially if there’s an urgent text or a fascinating billboard. Speed limits? More like speed suggestions.

Live Demo: A Wild Ride with Musk

Elon Musk, in his typical showman fashion, debuted the FSD12 update in a livestream that turned into a heart-stopping rollercoaster. Viewers watched with a mix of horror and amusement as Musk narrowly prevented the Tesla from running a red light and making an impromptu pit stop at Chipotle – because who doesn’t crave a burrito while testing groundbreaking AI?

The Future of Driving: A Nightmare?

As we brace for the arrival of FSD12, one can’t help but wonder if Tesla’s vision of the future includes a world where cars honk obscenities, casually speed, and treat driving guidelines as mere suggestions. In this new era, the term “autopilot” might just become synonymous with “your guess is as good as mine.”

it’s clear that Tesla is not just revolutionizing transportation; it’s also inadvertently championing a return to the wild, wild west of driving. Seatbelts fastened, everyone – it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Florida Man Refinances House: Owes Soul and Newborn

In what financial analysts are calling a “diabolically innovative” move, Jack Jacobson of Tallahassee, Florida, has refinanced his home under terms that have raised more than a few eyebrows and ethical questions. In an effort to escape a 7% mortgage that felt more like a straitjacket, Jacobson has signed off on a deal that includes his immortal soul and his firstborn child as collateral.

Jacobson, who had hoped to ride the green wave of avocado farming, was keen on tapping into the millennial market’s obsession with avocado toast. However, the high-interest rates presented an insurmountable barrier, leading him to consider more ‘soulful’ financing options. “I mean, when the bank tells you your interest rates are going up, that’s one thing,” Jacobson said, “but when the guy downstairs offers a fixed rate for just a soul and a potential offspring? You start to weigh your options.”

Lucifer, who seemingly moonlights as a financial advisor, shared his take on the deal, “In the grand scheme of things, your soul and firstborn is actually, genuinely a better deal than you’ll get at many mortgage brokers right now. I don’t want to say it’s a steal, but… well.” The underworld CEO added with a fiendish grin, “Business is booming.”

This infernal refinancing scheme has apparently found traction beyond the Sunshine State. Lucifer disclosed a growing list of clients trading in spiritual and virgin assets to keep up with earthly payments. A Denver man reportedly traded his right eye, reminiscent of biblical times, to square away a car loan. Meanwhile, a family in Nevada signed away their daughter’s virginity for a Mediterranean-inspired pool renovation, complete with a grotto.

Back in Florida, Jacobson is reportedly scouring through dating apps, maternity wards, and even considering a mail-in application to ‘The Bachelor’ in a bid to meet the renegotiated terms of his mortgage. Friends of Jacobson have voiced concern, noting that he’s been brushing up on his nursery rhymes and baby-proofing his house, despite there being no baby on the immediate horizon.

Community response has been mixed. Some locals are calling it an innovative solution to a systemic problem, while others are dusting off their pitchforks and calling for a good, old-fashioned boycott of the underworld.

As the deadline for delivery approaches, Jacobson remains optimistic. “Look, I’ve always been a problem-solver,” he said, adjusting a new set of baby gates. “And I’m sure there’s a loophole here somewhere. Worst case scenario, I’ll start a GoFundMe for a soul buyback or a stork rental.”

In an age where the term ‘selling out’ has lost much of its sting, Jacobson’s case might just redefine it, setting a new standard—or underworld low—for the lengths one will go to for financial solvency and a slice of the avocado economy.

Elon Reveals Inspiration Behind Cybertruck Design

In a revelation that has left both the tech and gaming communities utterly bamboozled, Elon disclosed the muse behind the Cybertruck’s notoriously unconventional design. Just weeks before the much-anticipated delivery event, Elon confessed that the inspiration was none other than the angular bosom of Lara Croft from the original 1996 Tomb Raider game.

“It’s all about nostalgia and aerodynamics,” he stated during a press conference. “Anyone who’s ever navigated Lara through the pixelated tombs of yesteryears knows the…um, iconic geometry she was rocking. I was replaying the classic, eating a sandwich, when it hit me – those angles could literally cut through air.”

Determined to validate their sudden hypothesis, the team embarked on what can only be described as one of the most bizarre R&D projects in automotive history. They 3D printed a life-sized model of 90s video game icon Lara Croft, not for any weird reasons, but for science, specifically wind tunnel testing.

“To be honest, I half-expected security to escort me out of my own building,” said one engineer, still seemingly recovering from the experience. “But when Lara – I mean, the model – was placed in the tunnel, you could hear a pin drop. Then the data came in, and it was a eureka moment.”

The results were astonishing, to say the least. The angular, polygonal design principles from the blocky rendition of Ms. Croft proved to be unexpectedly aerodynamic, outperforming several traditional vehicle models. It wasn’t long before these principles were incorporated into what the world now recognizes as the Cybertruck, an electric vehicle seemingly designed by a kindergartener who refuses to be constrained by the societal norms of “curves” and “non-lethal edges.”

As the news broke, social media went into a frenzy. “I always knew my hours dedicated to Tomb Raider were contributing to a greater societal good,” tweeted one fan. In contrast, others expressed concern, questioning what other design inspirations they might unveil in the future.

The automotive industry has seen its fair share of eccentric innovations, but none quite match the journey from a pixelated video game character to a futuristic electric vehicle. As we anticipate the Cybertruck’s official roll-out, one can’t help but wonder if the vehicle’s rugged terrain capabilities can match the tomb raiding, dinosaur-dodging, and puzzle-solving skills of the legendary Lara Croft herself.

Florida Man’s Ingenious Solution to 7% Mortgage Rates: Homelessness

In a world where the average mortgage rate in the US has skyrocketed to over 7%, many young adults are resorting to the age-old tradition of moving back in with their parents. But one Florida man, always the trendsetter, has decided to think outside the box—or rather, outside the house.

Meet Freddy Frugalton, a man who has taken the concept of avoiding high mortgage rates to a whole new level. Instead of burdening himself with the LAVISH lifestyle of central heating, running water, and a roof over his head, Frugalton has opted for a $20 tent strategically placed under an overpass. And he’s not just doing it for himself; he has dreams of settling down and raising a family in this cozy abode.

Financial advisors, always on the lookout for the next big trend, have lauded Frugalton’s extreme yet innovative approach to the cost of living. “Why didn’t we think of this before?” exclaimed one advisor. “Forget tiny homes; tents are the future!”

When asked about his groundbreaking decision, Frugalton said, “It just makes sense, man. I have very low overheads living in a tent, so I can focus all my energy on day trading.” But, as with all great innovators, not everything is smooth sailing. Despite the significant savings from his housing choice, Frugalton’s profit and loss statement isn’t looking too rosy. “I tend to follow [Jim] Cramer’s advice,” he admitted with a shrug. “Probably a dumb move, but hey, I live in a tent. What did you expect?”

As winter approaches, Frugalton is gearing up for the colder months. He’s contemplating starting a small fire in a barrel to keep warm. Neighbors (or rather, fellow overpass dwellers) are already placing bets on how long it’ll take before he upgrades to a $30 tent with a built-in heater.

In a world where mortgage rates and living costs continue to rise, perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from Freddy “Free-Living” Frugalton. Or, you know, maybe not.

Nation’s Ink Runs Dry as the FED Embarks on ‘Minor Printing Spree’

The nation is grappling with an unprecedented ink shortage. Reliable sources have pointed fingers at the Federal Reserve, suggesting they might have gone on a “minor printing spree” to keep up with their latest economic strategies.

The ink crisis began shortly after ADP’s report highlighted a mere rise of 89,000 private payrolls in September, a number that notably fell short of the expected 160,000. Economists, baristas, and tattoo artists alike were left scratching their heads (and pens) as ink supplies dwindled.

Nela Richardson, the chief economist at ADP, was overheard at a local coffee shop saying, “Inflation is always going to be a risk, especially if we run out of ink. How will we print the money to pay for the ink? It’s the chicken or the egg conundrum, but with currency.”

Local businesses are feeling the pinch. Benny’s Bookstore and Tattoo Parlor, a unique establishment catering to literature and body art enthusiasts, is one of the many businesses affected. Benny remarked, “I had customers coming in for ‘The Great Gatsby’ and leaving with half a ‘Gats’ tattooed on their arm. We just ran out of ink mid-way!”

The Federal Reserve, while not openly admitting to hoarding the nation’s ink, did hint at a new initiative. An anonymous source from within revealed, “We’re considering a new line of transparent bills. They’re impossible to counterfeit and incredibly eco-friendly. Plus, think of the savings on ink!”

Despite the ink debacle, the U.S. economy remains surprisingly robust. The Federal Reserve’s recent activities, including their “midnight money-making” sessions, have been credited (or blamed, depending on who you ask) for this resilience.

In a world where labor shortages, inflation risks, and now ink shortages dominate headlines, one thing is clear: The Federal Reserve’s printers might be the hardest working machines in America.

Dumpster Fire Adjacent to Mar-a-Lago Valued at $69M

PALM BEACH, FL – A recent real estate appraisal has valued a dumpster fire located adjacent to Mar-a-Lago at a whopping $69 million. The valuation has left many scratching their heads, but local real estate agents argue it’s all about “location, location, location.”

“Look, if Mar-a-Lago is worth anywhere between $18 million and $1.5 billion, depending on who you ask, then surely a dumpster fire next door is worth $69 million,” said local realtor Sandy Goldgrabber. “It’s prime real estate. You’re essentially getting a front-row seat to all the drama.”

The dumpster, which caught fire due to an unknown cause, has become a hot commodity in the area. Potential buyers are lining up, with some even suggesting turning the site into a luxury condo tower named “Blaze Residences.”

“I’ve always wanted to live next to Mar-a-Lago,” said one eager buyer. “And now, with the added ambiance of a dumpster fire, it’s like a dream come true.”

The valuation comes on the heels of a contentious debate over the worth of Mar-a-Lago. Former President Donald Trump recently claimed the resort is worth $1.5 billion, a figure that has been met with skepticism. A New York judge even ruled that this valuation was significantly inflated, citing an appraisal report that estimated the property’s value between $18 million and $27.6 million from 2011 to 2021, as reported by Forbes.

However, Trump has been adamant about his valuation, even suggesting on his social media platform, Truth Social, that Mar-a-Lago is “WORTH 50 to 100 times” the value cited in the judge’s ruling.

In light of these developments, some locals are considering starting their own fires in hopes of cashing in on the real estate boom.

“I’ve got a rusty old barbecue in my backyard,” said local resident Joe Swindler. “If I set that ablaze, maybe I can get a cool $10 million for it. After all, it’s only a few blocks from Mar-a-Lago.”