Nation Celebrates Inflation Drop by Planning Black Friday Spending Spree

Recently released CPI figures show the United States has seen a remarkable decrease in inflation, primarily thanks to falling gasoline and used car prices. The streets are buzzing with joy, as citizens plan to commemorate this economic milestone by buying an additional 70 inch flat screen tv on Black Friday.

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from the nerve-wracking 3.7% in September, Americans everywhere rejoiced. “It’s like getting a raise without having to do anything!” exclaimed one shopper, eyeing a new TV that’s still out of her budget.

The decline in inflation, attributed largely to the easing of pandemic-related supply chain issues, has led to an unexpected surge in consumer confidence. “I thought I’d never see the day when buying a slightly used sedan would feel like a steal,” said a local dad, who has been putting off replacing the family minivan for what feels like decades.

The core prices, which exclude those roller-coaster ride-like food and energy items, rose a modest 0.2%. Economists are hailing this as a victory, with some already nominating themselves for Nobel Prizes for their accurate, albeit constantly changing, predictions.

Barclays predicts a further decrease in inflation, but Americans seem to have a different plan. “Lower prices? Great, let’s buy more stuff we don’t need!” said a consumer, who just heard the news and is now planning a celebratory trip to the nearest electronics store.

As for gasoline prices dropping by 5%, families are already planning their next road trip. “Who cares if we have nowhere to go? Gas is cheap!” said a mom, as she started packing for a trip to a destination to be decided later.

The Federal Reserve, witnessing this euphoria, is contemplating whether to raise interest rates just to dampen the party. “We can’t have too much fun now, can we?” joked a Fed official,  as the money printers slowed down in the background..

As the nation grapples with this newfound economic ‘stability’, citizens are gearing up to do what they do best – spend money in celebration, because what better way to combat lower inflation than by trying to single-handedly raise it again!

Latest news

John Combs• November 14, 2023D

Nation Celebrates Inflation Drop by Planning Black Friday Spending Spree

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from...
Stonks
John Combs• D

Nation Celebrates Inflation Drop by Planning Black Friday Spending Spree

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from...
Stonks

DeSantis Ditches Boots for Halloween, Opts for a More “Grounded” Look

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis has decided to swap his infamous boots for a more “down-to-earth” Halloween costume this year. Sources close to the Governor’s mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as none other than one of the Seven Dwarves.

For those out of the loop, a recent viral video showcased the Governor donning a pair of boots that suspiciously seemed to have heel lifts, presumably to add a few inches to his stature.

https://twitter.com/MaidenUSA_/status/1719361135173140976

Critics were quick to point out that the boots might be a compensatory measure for DeSantis’s height, or lack thereof. The Governor, however, has remained tight-lipped about the video, choosing instead to let his Halloween costume do the talking.

“It’s a bold move,” commented Tallahassee resident, Patty Simmons. “I mean, going as one of the dwarves? After that video? It’s like he’s saying, ‘I see your jokes and raise you a costume.'”

But the choice of a dwarf might not just be a nod to the recent boot debacle. Insiders speculate that this could also be a subtle jab at Disney amidst their ongoing legal tussle with the state. With Disney’s headquarters located in the heart of Florida, and Snow White being one of their iconic characters, DeSantis’s costume choice seems to be more than just a coincidence.

“Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Is it hilarious? Absolutely,” remarked local comedian, Jake Hernandez.

While the Governor’s office has yet to release an official statement about the costume, Floridians are eagerly awaiting Halloween night. Many are curious to see if DeSantis will fully commit to the role, complete with the oversized ears and purple hat.

One thing is for sure, this Halloween, DeSantis is set to be the talk of the town, and for once, it won’t be about his boots.

Latest news

John Combs• October 31, 2023D

DeSantis Ditches Boots for Halloween, Opts for a More “Grounded” Look

Sources close to the Governor's mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as n...
Politics
John Combs• D

DeSantis Ditches Boots for Halloween, Opts for a More “Grounded” Look

Sources close to the Governor's mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as n...
Politics

In a Triumph of Bidenomics, US Deficit Nears $1.7 Trillion

In an astonishing display of economic acumen, the United States, under the infallible guidance of Bidenomics, has successfully bolstered its national debt to a near staggering $1.7 trillion, marking a fiscal year that historians might one day refer to as “The Great Accrual.”

Sources report that White House staffers, in a burst of innovative problem-solving, have been seen digging through the cushions of sofas, desperately seeking any spare change to contribute to the national coffers. “We were hoping for loose dollars, maybe a forgotten Lincoln or two,” one anonymous staffer shared, a sense of disappointment palpable in their voice as they held up a bag of inexplicably found substances. “But all we’ve found so far is some dusty cocaine. We’re holding onto it for… uh, evidence. Yes, evidence.”

Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has taken a more traditional approach, revving up the money printers and preparing for a fresh batch of crisp, newly minted bills. “Who needs a budget when you have an endless supply of paper and ink?” commented a Fed insider, the sound of printers whirring like music in the background. “It’s eco-friendly too; we’re recycling the economic plans from the 1920s.”

In international affairs, President Zelensky has reportedly been leaving voicemail after voicemail, puzzled why his once-frequent calls with President Biden have suddenly gone unanswered. Sources suggest the new, trendy war in Gaza has taken precedence, with funding whimsically redirected in a display of geopolitical ‘hot potato’ budgeting.

The fiscal year did indeed close with a flourish, the deficit hitting a high note at $1.695 trillion, a figure achieved through meticulous planning, such as a casual $457 billion drop in revenue and a modest cut in expenses by $137 billion – because who needs revenue when debt is the new black?

As the national debt hovers around a cool $33.6 trillion, up $10 trillion since the pre-COVID days, nostalgia for the pandemic’s simpler times is palpable. “Remember the good old days when we only had a health crisis?” mused a Treasury official while signing a $659 billion check for the interest payment on the debt.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, reaffirmed the administration’s iron-clad commitment to, eventually, consider possibly thinking about addressing the long-term fiscal challenges. “We have strategies,” she announced, waving a colorful array of pie charts and bar graphs, “and we expect they might reduce the deficit, theoretically, at some point over the next decade.”.

All this economic pageantry has coincided with President Biden’s humble request for just a smidge more funding – $105 billion, give or take – for humanitarian aid amidst the latest Middle Eastern conflict.

As staffers continue their sofa excavations and the money printers hum in harmonious symphony, the nation waits with bated breath to witness which economic marvel Bidenomics will unveil next.

Latest news

John Combs• October 25, 2023D

In a Triumph of Bidenomics, US Deficit Nears $1.7 Trillion

In an astonishing display of economic acumen, the United States, under the infallible guid...
Politics
John Combs• D

In a Triumph of Bidenomics, US Deficit Nears $1.7 Trillion

In an astonishing display of economic acumen, the United States, under the infallible guid...
Politics