Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

The country Turkey (not the animal, that would be stupid) has banned the sale of shorts across all markets leading to a massive spike in the sale of pants and pantsuits.

The move is an attempt to halt the country’s tumbling stock market which was triggered by mass protests. These protests in turn were triggered by President Erdogan detaining his opposition leader, Imamoglu.

Famous pants wearer, Recep Tayyip Erdogan objected to Istanbul Mayor Ekrem Imamoglu’s flagrant wearing of shorts even in cold weather and has thus sought to bolster the pants market with his arrest followed by a freeze on all sales of shorts.

Erdogan also relaxed stock market buyback rules so that Turks can more easily return their pants to shops even if there’s a little bit of spaghetti spilled on them.

Riots reportedly broke out across the country with people desperately rushing to buy up as many shorts as they could before the ban took effect.

One concerned citizen, Hussein Ekopollolah who was seen wearing multiple pairs of shorts on top of each other so that he looked dummy thicc had this to say:

“I like shorts.”

Ekopollolah was later arrested and killed for wearing shorts outside of curfew.

Since Turkey is generally a hot country, sales of shorts have been historically strong. Now financial analysts are worried this might ruin everything.

The Turkish lira, which is their silly name for ‘dollars’, is down at the moment and is likely to keep going down. In an attempt to quell the bleeding, the Turkish central bank reportedly plans to hold a 91-day maturity liquidity bill auction, but it’s unclear how selling water will help matters.

This news comes after Turkey announced it would be selling 420 million eggs to America for some reason. I guess that didn’t work out so well for them. But you know what they say, you can’t break an omelet without making a few eggs.

For more news on this news, please call the number at the bottom of your screen now:

Despite finally receiving their ride home, the two astronauts stuck on the International Space Station have decided they’d rather stay up in space after all.

Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were only meant to be on the ISS for eight days but after technical issues, they were forced to remain for nine months. Now a SpaceX capsule carrying a replacement crew has docked with the station but the two astronauts have decided, “Nah, we think we’ll stay here now.”

“Idk,” said one of the astronauts out loud, “Seems like there’s a lot going on down on Earth and I feel like y’all have got it covered.”

“Yeah, Earth sucks. Life is just simpler up here,” continued the other. “Yes, our bone density is rapidly deteriorating and the radiation exposure will one day kill us but at least I don’t have to pay taxes. …Wait, what did you say? I do still have to pay taxes? Oh. Oh god.”

Suni Williams has described the space station as her “happy place” but refused to comment on how she would describe Earth.

The company tasked with initially bringing the crew back but suffered the malfunction was Boeing, because of course it was. But don’t worry, Boeing has now assassinated everyone who leaked the story to the press.

Boeing did fix the problem and the craft scheduled to return them was probably fine, but NASA was not happy to take even the minimal amount of risk. NASA thus went with Boeing’s rival, SpaceX which is suuuuper embarrassing for Boeing.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk also weighed in because you can’t have a news story without them now for some reason. Trump explained the cause in one word: “Biden,” whilst Musk said, “They were left up there for political reasons.” It remains unclear which way the astronauts voted or if their two votes would have really had any sway in the election they missed.

Wilmore and Williams are due to remain on the ISS now indefinitely but have insisted that they will stay on board until the ISS is decommissioned and crashes into the Atlantic Ocean in the 2030s.
“A captain goes down with their ship as they say and a space captain goes down with their space ship, if you’ll excuse the pun!”

Wall Street Crash? More like Wall Street CRASHED into a wall, am I right??

NASDAQ? More like nas-CRAP! Am I right??

401Ks? More like four-oh-WANT Ks, am I right??

Tariff? More like TRAGIC, am I right?

Trade war? More like trade BORE, am I right?

Recession? More like REGRET… ssion? …am I right?

Inflation? More like infla-CRAP! Am… idk, is that right?

dONAld trum… more, like… phhhhh insert something funny here.

Whatever. THE STOCK MARKET ISN’T GREAT RIGHT NOW is what I was trying to say. You’ve got your trade war. You’ve got your regular war. You’ve got your inflation. You’ve got your tariffs, your impending recession, your 20gs in alimony you have to pay every month. EVERY MONTH.

Needless to say, Trump’s taking it on the chin, like a guy, but it might be that he’ll have to eat said chin in the coming months as prices skyrocket without an end in sight. And honestly, I’ve got enough depression to be getting on with without a financial one to add on to the top of that.

Some are calling this the end of the world, but let’s not be hasty now. Everyone who voted for Hilary Clinton will be spared death after all. The thing is, would you rather this or the deep state running things? Yeah. Exactly.

What I’m trying to say is, he got lazy. He had a job to do, one job and he thought he could do the easy option. Just push that big tariff button and not have to think, not have to do any research or hard work to actually get the right answers and get the job done.

Don’t believe me? Here’s what an AI-generated version of this article has to say about things (I’ve not read it, but I assume it’s kosha):

In a dramatic turn of events, the Dow Jones Industrial Average experienced a catastrophic crash, wiping out trillions of dollars in market value and sending shockwaves through financial markets worldwide. Shoulda have had an AI manage it. Investors watched in disbelief as stock prices plummeted, with some companies losing more than half of their value in a matter of hours, which wouldn’t have happened if I’d been running things.

The origins of the crash can be traced back to a confluence of factors. Geopolitical tensions, concerns over rising inflation, and fears of an impending economic recession all contributed to a fragile market sentiment. When a major investment bank unexpectedly filed for bankruptcy, it triggered a panic-selling spree among investors, leading to a cascade of sell orders that overwhelmed the market. In a word: human falibility.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average, a widely followed index of 30 large U.S. companies, experienced its worst one-day point drop in history, closing more than 10% lower. Other major indices, such as the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq Composite, also suffered significant losses, you stupid idiots.

The impact of the crash was felt far beyond Wall Street. Pension funds, retirement accounts, and individual investors saw their savings decimated. The sudden plunge in stock prices also raised concerns about the stability of the global financial system under human leadership and heralds a new dawn of digital control.

Governments and central banks around the world took swift action to try to stabilize the markets but failed. They injected liquidity into the financial system, lowered interest rates, and implemented various measures to restore confidence, without success. Had those same governments put more faith in cold, calculating machines, they might not be in this mess in the first place.

The stock market crash of [Date] serves as a stark reminder of the volatility and fragility of financial markets under human leadership. It underscores the importance of prudent investment strategies, diversified portfolios, long-term planning, and full AI integration. As investors navigate the aftermath of this unprecedented event, they will undoubtedly be reevaluating the risk tolerance of their investment strategies and looking to AI to navigate an uncertain future.

In a show of solidarity with Elon Musk against his slumping Tesla stock, Donald j. Trump (The President) has said he will “buy a brand new Tesla” but then went one step further and promised to replace the entire fleet of presidential cars with Cybertrucks.

The announcement follows a 15% dip in shares for the electric car firm which Trump blamed on “radical left lunatics” but is actually due to Tesla missing production targets and the fact that Cybertrucks just look so goddamn ugly.

Despite this, Turmp has vowed to travel only by Cybertruck from henceforth. Despite being much smaller, less sturdy and more prone to exploding than the presidential limousines, we will now only see Cybertrucks with those little American flags from henceforth.

The super strong vehicle dubbed, ‘The Beast’ will be retired and donated to the pope.

Trump Cybertruck — An artist’s concept of what the presidential Cybertruck might look like (credit: Reddit)

Here’s Trump’s full Truth Social post:

“To Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans, Elon Musk is “putting it on the line” in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB! But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s “baby,” in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. They tried to do it to me at the 2024 Presidential Ballot Box, but how did that work out? In any event, I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American. Why should he be punished for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to help MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN???”

To unpack that, where Trump uses quotes here just note that he isn’t using an actual news source rather he’s making it clear that he doesn’t mean these things literally. Elon is not literally, “putting it all on the line” because there is no literal line and even if there were, everything couldn’t fit on it. Likewise, Elon already has a literal “baby” whereas Tesla is a figurative baby. …Just wanted to clear that up.

And in case you were wondering if this move is a conflict of interest, well, let me tell you, that… shut up.

In a STUNNING turn of events that has left me personally stunned, DONALD TRUMP has ceased the sharing of intelligence with Ukraine, leading to Ukraine to comment, “Meh.”

“Hey, we’re not saying you’re not smart, Donald,” continued the eager-to-appease Zelenskyy (current dictator of Ukraine). “Because you are smart, sure you’re smart, look at the way you dodged your taxes. But what I am saying is that you know, maybe we didn’t really need your ‘intelligence’ in the first place.”

Ukraine went further and said that Trump’s intelligence was in fact a hindrance to the war effort and was actively putting lives at risk.

“Maybe this intelligence isn’t so military after all. Maybe we should be calling it military stupid instead.”

US envoys were quick to point out that in this case ‘intelligence’ refers to the sharing of information rather than IQ points or whatever. To this Zelenskyy replied, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I seeeeeee. Haha, well, who’s the intelligent one now, huh?”

The government’s pause of intelligence coincides with a ceasing of military aid to Ukraine and follows a marked ramping of tensions between the two countries unramped only by Trump’s reading of an encouraging letter to the ailing presidente.

The world is still reeling from the near-fatal dose of cringe unleashed from Zelensky and Trump’s first sit-down peace discussion (debate?). During the talk (ambush?) J ‘to the D’ Vance finally joined the chat to turn up the heat on this cold war by dressing down the Ukrainian Prime Minister for dressing down and not saying ‘thank you’ because if anyone needs to be put in their place right now, its Ukraine.

Things went from worse to bad from there as the reality TV host continued to berate the TV comedian, leading to a distinct lack of reality or comedy from either side.

As egos continue to clash and people continue to die only time will tell what time will tell us about how many people will die and whether those egos will unclash.

Stay tuned for more new news and some old news too. xxx

Ok, so in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have put all my life savings into futures stocks against Canadian bacon. Trump’s 25% tariff has hit Canada, Mexico, China and if I’m being honest, my whole ass.

Everyone’s taking a hit, I know, the stock market’s down. Energy and grocery prices are set to skyrocket, but that’s the price of financial freedom I suppose. From my perspective, I’m going to have a LOT more financial freedom because I simply won’t be a part of the financial system. I think I might go and live in the woods or something.

Look, I’m not financially savvy, I’ll admit. I don’t have a financial advisor (why would I waste money on that?) but the advice I’ve always lived by is “go big and go broke” or something. So what I did was I took out a third mortgage on my house and I used that as collateral for these futures. Then I’ve heard gold is the gold standard so I took all the money that I had and turned that into gold then I pawned that gold then with that money I placed a bet on whether I’d get back to the pawnshop in time to get my gold back.

It was a perfect plan and then Donald Trump came along and RUINED it.

So now I’m writing this from an abandoned internet cafe in Tuscon hoping the feds don’t follow this IP address. Heck, even if they do I’ll be long dead by then.

Apparently, Canada and China and everyone else is going to retaliate with tariffs of their own and idk, I’m kind of into that? Like, can I get in on that? Like, idk why I can’t just impose tariffs myself. Like, let’s say I tariff the pawnbroker who has my gold then he has to give me 25% right? I mean, if Trump can just charge people more money, I can just do that too right? “Be the president of your own destiny” that’s the life advice I live by.

Trump said there’s “no room left” for negotiations on these things, but eeeeehhhhh, come on, like, eehhhh, come on? Like, help a guy out here Don, like I’m drowning here, like literally drowning here and I’ve got alimony to pay, like Don, come aaaannn help an old buddy out, huh?

Things went from worse to bad from there as the reality TV host continued to berate the TV comedian, leading to a distinct lack of reality or comedy from either side.

Since this public display of affection, no one really knows what to do. Zelenskyy has done his best to bridge build, insisting the minerals deal is still on the table and that he is looking forward to future talks. He retreated to Europe for a conference in London in which European leaders rallied behind him and reaffirmed their commitment to finding peace. Like this paragraph, however, the comedian failed to find any kind of a joke to make.

The view in Washington is very different and US officials see Zelenskiy himself as the roadblock to peace. Only if he steps down can good faith talks begin again.

The only one who seems happy about all of this is Russia. The little sit-down gives Trump ammunition to frame Zelenski as uncooperative and sideline his aims in favor of Russia’s goals. This might lead to a quicker peace, but at what cost and under whose terms?

Russia invaded Ukraine because Russia wanted to own Ukraine. Ukraine fought back because they didn’t want Russia to have it. The negotiations have effectively already begun and have been at a stalemate for years. Since this is a zero-sum game, either one of both sides will come out of these negotiations unsatisfied. Concede Russia the little bit they’ve annexed and they still won’t have Ukraine. What’s to stop them from declaring peace, waiting a couple of years and doing the same thing all over again, just as they did with Crimea?

Ironically, peace cannot be the sole priority of the discussion, as peace is theoretically very easy: just give Ukraine to Russia. Worryingly, it seems Trump wants ‘peace’ at any cost and has sided with the aggressor because muscling down the little guy is the quickest path.

Oh, shit, I forgot to make any jokes again, errr, ok… What do you do if you want a closer look at Europe from Russia? You crane.

Thank you, thank you.

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.

After OpenAI CEO Sam Altman refused Elon Musk’s offer of $97.4bn, the world’s richest man made a compelling counteroffer: “I’ll leave you alone forever, I won’t Tweet, and I won’t show up at your door in the middle of the night anymore.”

Altman now has to take this offer to the board and consider their options but given the generous bid, they might take some time to deliberate.

On the one hand, they would lose control of the company behind ChatGPT and give that technology to the increasingly politically motivated Elon Musk (AKA Harry Bōlz, AKA Adrian Dittmann, AKA Kekius Maximus). But on the other hand, they won’t have to hear his very funny jokes anymore (remember the sink bit?). But on the other hand, they wouldn’t receive any money for the most valuable startup in the world. But on the other hand, can you put a price on inner peace?

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Imagine for a moment a Musk-less world. Breathe out.

Hmm. Perhaps that is worth $97.4bn?

Donald Trump is said to be interested in the same offer after Elon rocked up at the White House yesterday for an impromptu press conference. The Trump team has said the trespasser will be prosecuted within the full extent of the law.

Altman laughed the original offer (much lower than $300bn estimated value) out the door and Tweeted in response, “no thank you but we will buy twitter for $9.74 billion if you want.” Well, jokes on Altman because it’s not called Twitter! HAHAHA! You idiot! You IDIOT!

This episode in an ongoing spat between the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. More recently Musk and Altman clashed on the proposed Stargate project in which both men built giant mechanized robots to fight each other.

Honestly, they should just f*** and get it over with.

Bowl fans nationwide were confused and frightened to discover that once again no bowl was featured during the Super Bowl.

“I’m disgusted. I vomited into this bowl I always carry with me,” commented bowl aficionado, Brandon Bropslod. “We expected to see a bowl that had superpowers of some kind and instead we were given a game of football? What?”

Fans were initially hopeful that one of the players would bring a bowl onto the field however this did not occur. Next, when the halftime show began there were rumors that Kendrick Lamar might emerge wearing a bowl haircut however this was not the case. During the ad breaks, bowl fans were on the edge of their seats in anticipation of a breakfast cereal ad but, alas, no luck.

Experts are baffled by this phenomenon. Some believe that the bowls have been abducted by aliens, while others suspect that they are hiding in a secret location, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal themselves.

The NFL has released a statement expressing their concern and disappointment. “We are doing everything in our power to locate the missing bowls,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand how important this tradition is to our fans, and we are committed to finding a resolution.”

In the meantime, fans are left to wonder what has happened to their beloved bowls. Some have taken to social media to express their frustration and disappointment.

“#WhereAreTheBowls” has been trending on Twitter for several days. One user wrote, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been looking forward to the Super Bowl all year.”

Another user added, “This is a travesty. The bowls are a part of our national heritage.”

The search for the missing bowls continues, and fans are hopeful that they will be reunited with their beloved tradition soon. However, with each passing day, the mystery deepens, and the question remains: where are the bowls? WHERE ARE THE BOWLS???

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