Author: Max Profit

In the wake of Donald Trump’s successful election campaign and Elon Musk’s successful bribe, Trump has appointed the tech billionaire to head up the Department of Government Efficiency. Looking to make quick cuts, Elon immediately fired himself and dissolved the department.

As Trump’s first presidency already demonstrated, a government is just like a company in every single way, and a person who can kind of run multiple companies at once can probably handle little government on the side. Elon runs a lean ship: at Tesla, he replaced all the drivers with AI, at Twitter, he replaced all the users with bots, and all the letters in the name with just one. Much more efficient.

Now Musky Man is expected to make similar changes to government, replacing all government officials with Grok and ‘The Federal Government of the United States of America’? Ugh, what a mouthful, how about just a nice, lean 𝕏.

When Trump forms his government next year, Elon will head up the advisory team alongside entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, who has also been pre-fired and replaced with an AI to save money. The board will exist for exactly 4 minutes and 20 seconds which Musk says is more than enough time to make the necessary changes to the government before dissolving the agency (group? council? It’s not actually a department, they’re just calling it that… idk, flock?).

The committee has been dubbed “The Department of Government Efficiency” which isn’t very efficient to say so you can just call it DOGE to save time. THIS NAME IN NO WAY CONSTITUTES MARKET MANIPULATION TO ARTIFICIALLY INFLATE THE PRICE OF DOGECOIN IN WHICH MUSK HAS A LARGE STAKE. No, Musk has already made $70 billion off the election, hoarding more money would simply be… inefficient.

DOGE joins the likes of Space Force, the Board of Tea Appeals, and the CIA in a long list of government agencies that you can’t believe are real.

Commenting on Musk, Trump said, “When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many subsidized projects, whether it’s electric cars that don’t drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocketships to nowhere, without which subsidies he’d be worthless and tell me how he was a big Trump fan and Republican, I could have said, “drop to your knees and beg,” and he would have done it,” in a 2022 Truth Social post.

More recently, however, Trump has called the initiative, “The Manhattan Project of our time” which is apt because Musk greatly enjoys blowing up rockets and electric car batteries. Here’s hoping that, unlike Oppenheimer’s project, Musk’s won’t get hundreds of thousands of innocent people killed, however efficient it may be.

Following the election of Donald Trump, Elon Musk has declared, “My work here is done” and has shut down the social media website formerly known as Twitter, which now goes only by the unpronounceable symbol, ‘𝕏’.

Musk explained in a statement that when he bought the website two years ago for $44 billion he knew he was overpaying but saw a vision of the site as a platform to support the reelection of Donald Trump.

During the campaign, Elon appeared at Trump rallies, used his social media account to voice support for the ex-former president, and legally bribed voters to register in swing states (can we say that?).

Now that Elon Musk has achieved his goal and earned a cool $21 billion in the process, the website has been shut down, all X employees have been fired and the offices have been sold to Spirit Halloween.

The strategy almost makes sense but confusingly Elon has also stepped down from his role as CEO of SpaceX, Tesla, and another secret company suspected to be Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin. This would somehow imply that Musk also saw his role in these companies as part of some grand plan designed with the sole purpose of achieving Trump’s re-election. Huh.

Several meme accounts responded unfavorably to the news with one obscure meme account, Mr. @Arthurmeme01, writing, “NOOOOOOO” which of course no one read because X doesn’t work anymore.

Musk has not released a statement since announcing his retirement but was last seen boarding a Falcon Heavy rocket assumed to be destined for Mars where his hidden Martian colony is based. The colony, only recently revealed, was constructed in secret over the last decade by Security Fence and Supply Co. Inc. based in Wisconsin.

It is unclear whether Musk will work in his promised role as head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) or if the 15-minute communication delay between the planets will make things too inefficient.

I guess we’ll all start using Threads now, then? Ugh. ok. OK! Fine. I’ll do it. Here I go… I’m making an account… I’m logging in… Oh, this is literally just the same thing. Ok, fine I guess I can use this. Alright… Byee!

In a world first, Elon Musk’s SpaceX has successfully caught a falling rocket, prompting calls from Israel’s leader seeking to use the technology for missile defense.

Ordinarily, launched rockets will land in the ocean or on unsuspecting hospitals but this weekend SpaceX managed to slow the speed of the Super Heavy booster so it could be caught safely at the launch site with zero civilian casualties.

Now, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu is campaigning to have the technology become a part of Israel’s missile defense system.

“We’re getting rockets every day from Hezbollah, Iran, even Exploding Joe’s Firework Emporium,” said Alan, an Israeli diplomat familiar with the conflict. “It’s raining rockets over here and not always the nice kind! We have an umbrella, yes, but a bucket to catch the drips would also be nice. The Iron Dome also maybe needs an Iron Bowl. It seems Mr. Musk has built that bowl.”

Reportedly Elon Musk has not returned any calls from the Israeli Prime Minister and left DMs on ‘seen’. However, a SpaceX spokesrobot did respond to a request for comment. 

“What? No, that’s not how this works,” said Pressreleasebot3000, “That’s not how anything works. They are welcome to give us a lot of money for a launch crane if they really want to. But I promise them, when hit with a missile, the only thing it will catch is ‘on fire’.”

SpaceX hopes their successful test landing will pave the way for cheaper space missions by reusing rockets. “That’s the bit I’m most excited about,” interrupted Alan. “Catch the rocket, give it a little kiss then send it back to where it came from? How fun.”

“Also, I heard the machine has giant mechanical arms, yes, that’s great, but what I would like to know is, where is the rest of the body? Could Mr. Musk build more of this giant mechanical robot, maybe? With legs for stomping enemies, perhaps?”

Although the launch tower is known as ‘Mechazilla’ (that’s actually true) SpaceX has yet to comment on plans for any kind of Kaiju-fighting robots.

“Ok, fine, no space claw machine,” said Alan, who really wasn’t done, “But, what if maybe rather than dropping space debris in the Indian Ocean, maybe a little up and to the left? It would help us out a lot. No? Ok, well, the offer’s there, hmu.”